Variety Is The Vice Of Life

, | Right | June 18, 2009

Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

Customer: “No, I know what I want. I want the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Sorry; what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

Me: “Okay… and how well done would you like that?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well. or well done?”

Customer: “Now, look: when I go to [Fast Food Restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

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Just Check The Stalk’s Expiration Date

, , | Right | June 12, 2009

(This happened during corn season last year.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”

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A Very Loose-Knit Family

, , , | Right | June 10, 2009

(I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eat with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

Customer: “No!”

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Elemental State Of Confusion

, , | Right | June 9, 2009

(I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

(She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

Me: “Oh, okay, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

Customer: “Without what?”

Me: “Ice.”

Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

Me: “Um… ice cubes.”

(She looks at me blankly.)

Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy… Why is it in my glass?”

Me: “To keep your water cold.”

Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

Me: “…”

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One Plate Of Hot Air, Coming Right Up

, , | Right | June 9, 2009

Customer: “I’d like the tofu & veggie dish, but I want that with no tofu.”

Me: “Sure! We could add in chicken, or beef, or–”

Customer: “No, I don’t want that. I just don’t like tofu.”

Me: “I understand that. I don’t really care for it, myself.”

Customer: “It’s not even a veggie… Oh, and can I have no veggies in that?”

Me: “…What?”

Customer: “I don’t want any veggies in that, either.”

Me: “So… you want the tofu & veggie dish with no tofu, no meat, and no veggies?”

Customer: “Yes!”

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