History And Cookbooks Are Written By The Victors

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2009

(An older lady is looking through the buffet when she comes to our Japanese section. She eyes the sashimi.)

Customer: “Oh! Is this smoked salmon?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s actually sashimi, the Japanese way of serving fish, so it’s cleaned and served raw.”

Customer: “Raw? That can’t be healthy! Are you sure you are allowed to serve raw fish? Someone could get sick!”

Me: “I can assure you, raw salmon won’t get anyone sick. We have served this for years.”

Customer: “But it’s raw! Someone will get sick! That’s what raw fish does — gets people sick!”

Me: “Ma’am, the Japanese have been eating raw fish for centuries. I think it will be okay.”

Customer: “Well, they also lost World War 2. I don’t think this is safe!”

Me: “…”

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Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’. Can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

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Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “…have a great day, ma’am.”


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No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

, , , | Right | April 20, 2009

(This happened on my first day of the job.)

Me: “Welcome to [Grocery Store].”

Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

(Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

Me: “I know, let me just–”

Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

(He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, and then he runs out of the store.)

Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

Me: “…”

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Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

, , | Right | April 20, 2009

(Our shop has a chocolate fountain, which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

Me: “…sorry?”

Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like, the water pipes or something?”

Me: “No, we melt our own–”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one?! Where is your manager?”

(After failing to convince them, the customer left angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

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