The Hole In His Logic

, , , | Right | July 13, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for your nuts.”

Me: “Those are on aisle four, sir.”

Customer: “I’ve already looked and I can’t find them. I’m looking for my favorites.”

Me: “All the types of nut we have in stock are in aisle four, if you can’t find them then we don’t stock them. Do you want me to have a look for you?”

Customer: “No no, I’ll go look again.”

(Five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “I still can’t find my favorite nuts!”

Me: “Then I am afraid we must not stock them.”

Customer: “But my wife gets them for me from here every week!”

Me: “What type of nuts does she buy you?”

Customer: “Donuts…”

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A Cheese By Any Other Name

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2009

Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

Me: “…”

Customer’s Five-Year-Old Daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

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Clandestine Calorie Cutters

, , | Right | July 10, 2009

Customer #1: “Do you have any sugar-free ice cream?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, that a diabetic can eat?”

(The two spend the next five minutes sampling almost every frozen yogurt we have and inquiring into the sugar content of everything. I went along with it, not wanting to put someone in a diabetic coma or anything.)

Customer #2: “Okay, we’ll take two of the blueberry pomegranate yogurt on sugar cones.”

Me: “You’re aware that sugar cones contain sugar, right?”

Customer #2: “Oh, we’re not really diabetic; we just didn’t want you to sneak us something fattening.”

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Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

, , | Right | July 10, 2009

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. What would you like today?”

Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

Me: “…”

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Johnny Something-Seed

, , , | Right | July 7, 2009

(I’m a cashier at a cafe-style restaurant.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Sure, I’d like the turkey sandwich with everything on it.”

Me: “Okay, and what side would you like with that: chips, bread, or an apple?”

Customer: “An apple? What’s an apple?”

Me: “…a red fruit.”

Customer: “Oh! I’ll take that.”

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