You Just Know The Vegans Are Not Going To Be Chill(i) About This

, , , , , | Romantic | September 26, 2017

(My fiancée and I discover a brand of frozen food that is amazing. We notice upon purchase that it is gluten free, but it takes us a while longer to realize it is vegan. Neither of us have any reason to need vegan food, being huge carnivores anyway, and my fiancée is crotchety, antisocial, and has a history of butting heads with the self-righteous types.)

Me: *stealing bites of her chili mac and cheese* “I still can’t believe something this hearty is completely meatless.”

Fiancée: *stealing it back* “I know; I never would have known if we hadn’t spotted the label on the spicy chili! I don’t know why they’d make the entire company vegan, though.”

Me: “It’s a relatively untapped market; vegans don’t have a ton of options for convenience like this, maybe three or four big brands, and almost nothing this cheap.”

(My fiancée gets a funny look on her face and puts the spoon down.)

Fiancée: *gleefully* “I just realized. We’re taking food from the vegans!”

(She’s terrible. It’s still funny.)

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Don’t Worry, Your Order Will Be Apples

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2017

(We sell squeezable pouches of applesauce, but usually only with our kids’ meals as a side. As I’m reading back a woman’s order, she decides she wants to add just one more thing.)

Me: “Can I get you anything else tonight?”

Customer: “Actually, would you mind adding some applesauce, please? That’ll be all.”

Me: “All right.”

(I start searching the order screen for how I can just put a pouch of applesauce; I look through sides, extras, value menus…)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sorry; it’ll just be one moment.”

(Finally, I find a button that says “substitute applesauce,” and go with that. Unfortunately, the system thinks I’m trying to substitute a side for applesauce, so on the screen it puts the last item that the lady ordered, which happens to be iced coffee, with a plus sign and applesauce.)

Customer: “It’s not showing a charge for the applesauce.”

Me: “That’s because I had to put it in as an add on.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it with my coffee. I just want one of those pouches y’all have.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry; that’s just the only way I could put it in the system.”

Customer: *pauses* “It won’t be in my coffee, right?”

Me: *looking out the corner of my eye, as I hear my manager laughing, trying not to laugh myself* “I promise there won’t be any applesauce in your iced coffee.”

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This Could Become A Powder Keg

, , , , | Right | September 24, 2017

(I am in the store to return a bicycle, and there is a woman in front of me. There is quite a line, so I decide to strike up a conversation. She’s holding a half-empty box of white powdered donuts.)

Lady: “I’m returning these donuts.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What’s wrong with them?”

Lady: “There wasn’t enough powder on the rest of them.”

Me: “…”

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Turned Into A Corny Story

, , , , , | Working | September 22, 2017

I was listening to music while eating candy corn. It was a slow day, and my boss was incessantly interrupting me to talk about video games. Thinking his interruptions were about work, I kept having to take an ear-bud out and then put it back in.

Finally, after being interrupted too many times, I ended up putting a candy corn in my ear and trying to eat one of my headphone ear-buds.

I thought to myself, “Why does this candy corn taste like earwax and failure?”

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Must Have Been Red-Driving Hood

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2017

(In the drive-thru, we offer free, expired, plain doughnut holes to customers for their dogs. Often they are quite tough, as they are old. Note: a fresh doughnut hole only costs $.25.)

Customer: “Could I grab a doughnut hole for my dog?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(He then gave the crusty doughnut hole to his elderly grandmother in the passenger seat and drove off.)

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