The Cake Was Not A Lie

, , , | Right | August 24, 2017

(When I was a little girl, my mother worked as a cake decorator in the bakery department of a well-known — on the east coast, anyway — grocery store chain. One of her coworkers is commissioned to make a birthday cake with an ice skating scene. The result is something my mom sings praises as the most gorgeous cake she has ever seen come out of that store complete with edible glitter to make the snow sparkle. Despite the fact that everyone agrees how beautiful the cake is and the fact that the customer says nothing when she comes to pick it up, she comes back to the store angry the next day to complain about it.)

Customer: “You put glitter on my cake!”

Coworker: “It’s edible glitter. It’s perfectly safe to eat.”

Customer: “There is no such thing as edible glitter!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, there is. If you want, I can go grab some and show you.”

Customer: “I had to completely scrape the top of the cake off just so we could eat it!”

Coworker: “You… scraped it?”

(The coworker wasn’t the only person who was devastated to learn that she had defaced the cake. My mom and all of their coworkers were similarly disheartened to learn that her gorgeous cake had been destroyed rather than enjoyed as intended.)

They Require A Prawn-Out Explanation

, , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(There has been a disease outbreak amongst a lot of prawn suppliers around the world. Because of Australia’s strict bio-security laws, the government bans all imports of prawns into the country until further notice, to prevent the disease crippling the local populations. Of course, this has left a lot of businesses without prawns to serve. My family are regulars at one of the local Italian cuisine restaurants. Our server is lovely, and has a sharp sense of humour which leads to a number of amusing interactions. She has already explained why there are no prawns available, but that two dishes that contain a variety of seafood are still on the menu, just without the prawns.)

Dad: “I’ll have the spaghetti marinara, please.”

Server: “Not a problem, sir, but just to remind you that there will not be any prawns in it due to disease outbreak.”

Dad: “Do you honestly get people who kick up a fuss about not having prawns after you’ve explicitly told them why?”

Server: “At least one a shift, sir. Makes me wonder if they’re listening to me.”

(Our food eventually arrives and we start eating. About five minutes later our server comes to check on us.)

Server: “How is everything so far?”

Dad: *with a serious expression* “I’m really disappointed. There’s no prawns in my meal.”

(It takes a moment for the server to catch on that he is kidding, and then she promptly cracks up.)

Server: *grinning* “Tell you what, sir, how about I get them for you to go as a doggy bag? I’ll provide the empty box, and you can jump in the marina and catch them for yourself?”

(The entire table cracked up laughing. Needless to say, she made our night!)

Not A Corn-Fed Hippy

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(A guy dressed as a hippy, with a slightly pungent unwashed odour (with warm cannabis notes) greets me. I notice he’s got a swastika tattooed between his eyebrows. I am Jewish so tempted to find another colleague to help him as it makes me feel uncomfortable; however, I decide that I would not want to inflict his odour on anybody else.)

Hippy: “Hey, man, what are these?”

Me: “Those are Sun Bites.”

Hippy: “Are they crisps?”

Me: “Kinda, they’re corn snacks rather than potato chips.”

Hippy: “So… like Pringles?”

Me: “More similar to Skips or Wotsits. Pringles are potato snacks.”

Hippy: “So…. corn isn’t potato?”

Me: “Nope.”

Hippy: “Ah, MAN! So how does it grow?”

(Wanting to get rid of this crazy swastika hippy.)

Me: “Well, potatoes grown in the ground; corn is grown above ground. You have Pringle roots for Pringles. These come from Sun Bites berries, Skips come from a Skips tree, and Wotsits come from a Wotsits bush — which you have to hunt rather than farm.”

Hippy: *grabs a six pack of Sun Bites and wanders off towards the till, exclaiming as he goes* “Ah, MAN. Oh, wow. Oh ,DUDE. FAR OUT. F****** FAR OUT. Oh, my days. OH, MAN!”

(I vaguely wonder if he is an alien who had been transported here to 2015 equipped with ’70s sayings.)

Not So Nuts About Their Attitude

, , , , , | Right | August 21, 2017

Customer: *points to empty barrel* “Excuse me, do you have any more hazelnuts?”

Me: “No, sorry; if we had them they would be out on the floor already.”

Customer: “Can you check in the back?”

(I already know that we don’t have any but I check anyway.)

Me: “Sorry, no, we don’t have any.”

Customer: “Are you just saying that because you’re lazy and don’t want to bring it out for me?”

Me: “Um… no. We don’t have anymore hazelnuts. We get our next shipment on Saturday, if you would—”

Customer: “SO THAT JUST MEANS YOU’RE BEING LAZY. FINE!” *storms out*

Deconstructed Reconstructed

, , , , , , | Working | August 21, 2017

(I’m the customer. We love our deli’s meatball sandwiches, but we want to buy them to eat later and don’t want them to get soggy. So we’ve started buying them as “DIY” sandwiches — we order the pieces separately and construct and heat the sandwich at home. I stop in today for a sandwich.)

Me: “I want 4 meatballs, 4 pieces of cheese, a sourdough roll, and a pint and a half of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with confused look* “…”

Me: “Is there a problem? It’s a DIY meatball sandwich…”

Counter Guy: “I’m trying to figure out how to charge for this.”

Me: “Well, it’s basically just a meatball sandwich with one extra meatball, one extra slice of cheese, and an extra pint of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with a deep look of concentration* “Okay.”

Me: “Also…”

Counter Guy: “Not right now; I’m doing math.”

Me: “…”

(After a couple of minutes, I add a pint of potato salad, gave him my name, and am told he’d call me when my food is ready. 15 minutes later, my order comes up. I see the potato salad and the paper-wrapped roll.)

Me: “Where’s the rest?.”

Counter Guy: “It’s all there.”

Me: *concerned, picking up the paper wrapped package* “Oh. You… built the sandwich.”

Counter Guy: “Wasn’t I supposed to?”

Me: “No. That’s why I…”

Counter Guy: ” Next time, ask for four meatballs and a roll…”

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