You Can Lead A Dog To People Food…

, , , , , , | Related | July 2, 2020

When my father was in his early twenties and living alone, he decided to get a rescue puppy for company. Being young and stubborn, he decided dog food was disgusting and the pup would eat the same thing he got for his meals, as a true friend should. He would leave a bowl of dog food out for her just until she got used to it.

It went okay in the first week, but Dad noticed the pup always left any bread he gave her uneaten. Since my dad absolutely loves bread, this seemed unacceptable to him. So, he decided he’d give the pup a piece of bread first at any meal, and only after she ate the bread would she get other food. 

So, whenever my dad sat on the table, he gave a piece of bread to the dog. Burger? Puppy got bread. Chicken? Puppy got bread. Well, it turns out this dog really hated bread and never ate any of it, so my dad — did I mention he’s stubborn? –- never gave her the actual human food he wanted to give and she asked for. The dog was eating dog food exclusively.

Eventually, the pup must have decided human food might smell delicious but it all tasted like the same bad stuff. And she never came begging again. She passed when I was about ten, at sixteen years old, and never ate human food at all. Even when I tried to pass her stuff from the table I didn’t want to eat, she’d just leave it there and I’d get in trouble. My mom always looked for stuff left on the floor and called the dog her co-parent.

So, this is how Kat the dog accidentally became the politest dog ever, and my whole family still laughs at Dad over it. And fortunately, when we got a new puppy in my teens, my dad agreed dog food was okay after all and never tried the same stunt again.

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The Ignorance Discount

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2020

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bakery]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I just purchased an assortment of your cupcakes which are falsely advertised as nut-free! I am bringing these to a school so they have to be nut-free!”

Me: “I can assure you that our entire facility is peanut- and tree-nut-free.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I can see that some of these cupcakes have coconut!”

Me: “Coconut isn’t a nut. It can be classified as a seed or a fruit, but is not part of the ‘nut’ family or associated with a nut allergy.”

Customer: “Are you stupid?! It’s called a coco-nut for a reason! I need a manager immediately!”

I hand the phone to my manager who has heard the conversation and is hysterically laughing. This is not the first time we have received one of these calls but I am always the one to answer.

Manager: “I am terribly sorry, but we do not give refunds for ignorance or lack of knowledge. Have a great day.” *Click*

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Liver Die By The Spoon

, , , , , | Related | June 30, 2020

It’s dinner time. My younger brother’s eyes are glued to his device and he is barely eating. My parents are adamant that I am not to steal his device — again — so I am reduced to nagging him to eat faster. It isn’t working. After I’ve lost my patience, I say this.

Me: “[Younger Brother]. You will start eating your food faster, or else I’ll be forced to feed you.”

He’s like eight. I thought that threatening to feed him like a baby would have been embarrassing enough. Alas, he calls my bluff.

Younger Brother: *Not even looking up* “Sure!”

I sigh, scoop a mouthful of food, and offer it to him. He eats it without even looking and visibly winces. After struggling with the worst expression of disgust, he finally swallows his food and glares at me.

Younger Brother: “What the h*** was that?”

Me: *Unrepentant grin* “Liver. It is just the worst, isn’t it?”

The two of us absolutely hate liver. On the other hand, our mom loves it, which is why there is some available at the dinner table.

Younger Brother: “Why did you feed me that?!”

Me: “It’s not my fault you weren’t looking at what you were eating.”

That finally got him to put down his device and start eating in earnest. Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve had to redo this trick several times to get him off his device, mostly using chili, which was more common than liver and had far more amusing and effective results. You’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now.

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When Odo Came To Dinner

, , , , , | Related | June 30, 2020

My dad, mom, sister, and I are having dinner together. For dessert, Mom brings out a big bowl of Jello.

Sister: *As she’s serving herself* “What flavor is this? Raspberry, cherry…?”

Dad: *Deadpan* “It’s red, Jim.”

Did I mention we’re all “Star Trek” fans?

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Trying To Grease His Own Palms

, , , , , | Right | June 29, 2020

Customer: “I want my meal free for this!”

Me: “I’m… sorry, sir, what is the problem?”

Customer: “My burger is a little bit greasy.”

I work in the restaurant portion of, ostensibly, a truck stop. Burgers are greasy everywhere, but what do you expect? I examine the burger.

Me: “It doesn’t look any greasier than any of the other burgers we serve. It’s just the meat juices; it’s perfectly harmless.”

Customer: “It’s greasy, d*** you! I want my meal for free!”

Me: “Well, I could… get a napkin and soak up some of—”

Customer: “No, I want my meal free!”

Me: “Um, I’m not able to apply discounts to meals myself; I’ll have to get the manager for you. One moment.”

The guy started a scene and shouted quite a bit at the manager, who was adamant about not giving him a discount for acceptably-made food. The manager eventually kicked him out so he wouldn’t disturb the other customers and blacklisted his Trucker Rewards Card across our entire chain.

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