With Great Bacon Comes Great Irresponsibility

, , , , , , | | Working | July 23, 2019

I have just started a new job, so I’m anxious to make a good impression on the boss, especially since my new coworkers have already told me he is very strict. I haven’t had a chance to interact with him directly very much yet, but I’m trying my best to do all my work very carefully, turn everything in on time, etc.

One afternoon, I’m chatting with several coworkers after lunch, and we’re talking about foods we enjoy. Someone brings up bacon, and I say something generic and positive, such as, “Yep, bacon is great!” Just then, the boss walks around the corner, so we all greet him and then quickly go back to work. Later that afternoon, I’m working in my cubicle, and the boss steps in, saying, “I’d like to talk with you about something I overheard earlier.”

I’m terrified, thinking at the very least I’ll be in trouble for chatting when I could have been working, and at worst, I might have said something to accidentally offend him. But then he asks, “So, is it true that you love bacon?” Bewildered, I answer that I enjoy bacon as much as the next person. He stares at me for a few seconds, before launching into this long personal story, while I try not to let my mouth hang open in confusion and surprise.

It turns out that he and his wife are practicing Muslims, and therefore do not consume any pork products. At one point, he mistakenly ate some bacon, only to discover that it was delicious! Ever since then, he has been secretly eating bacon whenever his wife isn’t around, and he has been desperate for someone to talk to about all the delicious merits of this most supreme food. Unlucky for me, after he overheard my conversation earlier, he suddenly decided I would be his bacon confidant.

He talks at length about how much he enjoys eating bacon when no one is around, and how he has even been sneaking some to his young daughter — without his wife’s knowledge) — because he believes it is too unfair to deprive her of this magical food. All the while, he is asking for my reassurance that his bacon-eating is okay, and I am absolutely speechless! Somehow he takes this as an affirmation and cheerily goes on his way, muttering about how happy he is to have someone to talk to about bacon, and what a relief it is to have this shared this secret.

For the rest of the time I worked there, about once a week my boss would randomly stop by my cubicle to extol the virtues of bacon, while I tried to avoid making any kind of statement whatsoever. I didn’t want to make any kind of comment on his personal choices, but I also didn’t want him to think that I was in favor of him lying to his family! Weird and awkward as it was, at least I had found a way to stay in the good graces of a strict boss. I hope he decided to come clean about his bacon secret eventually, and that everything worked out for him and his family.

With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 22
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 21
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 20

I Don’t Drink Your Milkshake

, , , , , , | | Romantic | July 20, 2019

(Shortly after my girlfriend and I start dating, I start making us fruit smoothies as healthy treats, but my girlfriend never likes what I make her and usually only drinks a few ounces. She has various complaints, such as the smoothies being too sour, being able to taste the vegetable components, claiming to taste the ground seeds or nuts, or just not liking the texture. One visit, she rejects another smoothie recipe and drops this gem on me.)

Girlfriend: “I like my smoothies. My recipe is milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries, a banana, and strawberries.”

Me: “Then I think your problem is that you don’t like smoothies.”

Girlfriend: “Yes, I do! I just like my smoothies!”

Me: “Those aren’t smoothies; you’re making milkshakes.”

Girlfriend: “They are smoothies!”

Me: “I don’t think you know what smoothies or milkshakes are.”

I’m Intolerant of You

, , , | | Right | July 19, 2019

(I am waiting to pick up my order at a small local diner when a lady approaches the counter. She has a good look at the menu.)

Employee: “Hello, ma’am, are you ready to order?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to have the [burger], but I’m lactose intolerant. Can you tell me if that’s lactose-free?”

Employee: “Yes, that burger is indeed lactose-free.”

Customer: “And the sauce?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Customer: “No dairy products?”

Employee: “No dairy products.”

Customer: *suddenly getting irate* “TELL ME WHAT’S IN THE SAUCE!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that, but I assure you it’s lactose-free.”


Employee: “Again, I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you that because it’s our secret recipe. However, if you would like to ask me for certain ingredients that you might be allergic to, I’ll be happy to tell you whether we use them or not.”

Customer: *still irate* “Milk?”

Employee: “No.”

Customer: “Yoghurt?”

Employee: “No.”

Customer: “Cheese?”

Employee: “No.”

Customer: “Any other dairy products?”

Employee: “As I told you before; no dairy products!”

Customer: *suddenly back to normal* “Okay, then. I’ll have two of those. Just make sure not to put any cheese on it.”

The Only Thing Meat-Free About Her Is Her Brain

, , , , | | Right | July 16, 2019

(I stop into the local pizza joint to order a pizza. While I’m waiting for it, talking to the girl behind the counter, a woman walks in and the girl behind the counter greets her and ask what she would like. The woman takes a step back to look up at the menu and goes:)

Customer: “Hmm… I’m not sure what I want. I’m a vegetarian so I don’t eat meat, so I am trying to think of a good combo that would be delish!”

(The girl behind the counter, who is also a vegetarian, rattles off her favorite toppings.)

Cashier: “Well, I personally like green peppers and olives on mine.”

Customer: “Nah, I think I’m in the mood for something spicy, so I’ll have the Buffalo chicken pizza.”

Cashier: “Um, ma’am, didn’t you say you didn’t eat meat?”

Customer: “Yes, I did, why?”

Cashier: “Ma’am, the Buffalo chicken pizza has chicken on it, and chicken is considered a ‘meat.’” *actually uses air quotes for “meat”*

Customer: “Oh, don’t be silly. Chicken is poultry, not meat like beef and pork.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can assure you that chicken is indeed ‘meat.’ Chickens are live animals, right?”

Customer: “Right.”

Cashier: “You don’t eat animals, right?”

Customer: “Right.”

Cashier: “You see where I’m going with this?”

Customer: *blinks, and then in a condescending voice* “Look, young lady! I am almost seventy years old! I’ve been a vegetarian longer than you’ve been alive, so I think I would know what is considered a ‘meat’ or not and chicken is not meat. It’s poultry! Now give me a buffalo chicken pizza to go!”

Cashier: “Whatever you say, ma’am. What size pizza would you like? Is there anything else you’d like to add to your order?”

Customer: “A large, and yeah, give me a piece of your pepperoni bread to snack on while I wait. I’m starving!”

(The cashier then looks over to see me trying to hold in my laughter and says to me:)

Cashier: “I’m not even going to try and explain to her what pepperoni is made of.”

This House Party Is Heating Up!

, , , , , , | | Related | July 16, 2019

There was a party at my house when I was seven. My mom and dad were busy, but I was hungry. Not wanting to bother them, I decided to make my own microwave ramen noodles.

I knew that my mom didn’t add the pack of veggies, so I left them out. In the directions, adding the veggies and adding water were in the same step. My seven-year-old brain thought, “You only need the water for the vegetables,” so I didn’t add any water. 

I put it in the microwave and waited for it to be done. All of a sudden, the microwave was on fire and smoke was filling the kitchen. 

The fire department ending up coming and in the end, we had to get a new microwave, oven, and kitchen cabinets.

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