A Poultry Knowledge Of Food

, , , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

Caller: “I need one large cheese pizza, please!”

Caller’s Friend: “No, no! Get half pepperoni!”

Caller: “NO! My son is vegan, and he would want a whole separate pizza, then!”

Caller’s Daughter: “Mom, he does eat meat! He eats ham!”

Caller: “No, ham is not a meat; it’s a poultry!”

They Must Have Grown Up On A Non-Dairy Farm

, , , , , | Working | February 13, 2018

(I am at the drive-thru of a restaurant known for cheap Tex Mex food. I think it will be easy to just have them “hold the dairy” on a few tacos, as I’m lactose intolerant.)

Me: “I’ll have a #4, please.”

Worker: “That’s a #4. What to drink?”

Me: “Can I have [Soda]? And can you hold the dairy on the items, please? I can’t do dairy.”

Worker: “So… no tomatoes?”

Me: *internal sigh* “No. Tomatoes are fine. No cheese or sour cream. I can’t do anything with milk in it. No dairy. I’m lactose intolerant.”

(After a few moments of silence:)

Worker: “Let me get my manager.”

(The worker then asked their manager, with their headset still on so I could hear, if tomatoes and lettuce were dairy products. The manager had to explain to the worker what constituted “dairy.” The manager was actually really great, hopping on to talk to me, suggesting that ordering options “al fresco” would be the best option for me in the future, because they were automatically-dairy free AND had added pico instead, meaning I’d be getting a better option for my meal rather than just removing a ton of the items. But I’m still unsure how an adult had no idea what “dairy” meant.)

Not Sure We Beer-lieve You

, , , , , , , | Related | February 11, 2018

(I’m a preteen in this story. My friend and I are sitting in the basement chatting when my four-year-old brother comes tearing through at top speed.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother]. Where are you going so fast?”

Brother: “I’m getting a beer for Mommy! She needs it right away!”

(My friend stares at me, wide-eyed.)

Me: “She’s making dinner, I swear.”

Friend: “Okay, if you say so.”

(Fortunately, my friend stuck around for dinner, and greatly enjoyed my mom’s signature beer-braised chicken with barley and vegetables!)

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 10, 2018

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

Plainly You Are Wrong

, , , , , | Working | February 9, 2018

(I order cheeseburgers with only cheese on them, or “plain.” Since I’ve occasionally run into confusion over using “plain,” I sometimes say, “only cheese.”)

Me: “Could I get a cheeseburger with only cheese on it?”

Waiter: “Sure.”

(He later brings me a cheeseburger on a closed bun with the regular cheeseburger toppings, sauces, and cheese.)

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t what I ordered.”

Waiter: “What? What did you want?”

(I explain that I only want a burger patty with cheese on top of it and a bun.)

Waiter: “Sir, you ordered wrong. You should have asked for a ‘plain cheeseburger.’ People won’t understand you if you don’t use ‘plain.’”

Me: “…”

(This is literally the only time in years of ordering cheeseburgers that “only cheese” didn’t mean “plain.”)

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