You Pecan’t Do That

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2020

(A lady comes up and points at our divinity pecan rolls.)

Customer: “That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “Something is wrong with those peanuts. They taste horrible.”

Me: “Ma’am, those aren’t peanuts. They are pecans.”

Customer: “Aren’t those the same thing?

Me: “No.”

Customer: “What is the difference, then?

Me: “Well, peanuts are small nuts that grow on a shrub bush underground like a potato and pecans grow on a tree like a walnut.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I didn’t know that. I thought pecans were just a fancy way of saying ‘peanut.’”

Me: “…”

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Hard No To Soft Pretzels

, , , , , , | Working | January 20, 2020

(The sandwich chain inside our local big box store installed a very large glass display case full of a dozen or so soft pretzels at one end of their counter. I am a sucker for soft pretzels, and I usually only have them as an occasional treat at the mall, so after a few weeks of walking past the display, I decide to try them out. I approach the only employee, a bored-looking young man.)

Sandwich Artist: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like one of those soft pretzels, please?”

(The sandwich artist gives me an incredulous look, and then takes a couple of steps closer to the display case and points at the pretzels inside.)

Sandwich Artist: “Those… aren’t real. Those are plastic.”

(I walk closer and look in. They certainly are plastic.)

Me: “Oh, this is just a display? Do you have some real ones behind the counter, or…?”

Sandwich Artist: “We don’t have any pretzels.”

Me: “Sorry, do you mean that you’re out?”

Sandwich Artist: “We have never sold pretzels.”

(I looked at the display. I looked back at the sandwich artist. Baffled, I walked away. The display remains on the counter to this day, and I continue to wonder whether they truly have never sold an item they devoted a three-foot-tall glass display case to, or if he just didn’t want to serve me one.)

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Talking Turkey About Ham… Maybe  

, , , | Right | January 20, 2020

(I work in a grocery store deli.)

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you get something?”

Customer: “What is the difference between the cooked turkey and the oven-roasted?”

Me: “The cooked has a more basic flavor while the oven-roasted is much moister and more savory.”

Customer: “But then how do they cook them? What is the difference?”

Me: “I’m not too sure how they prepare them, but I can definitely recommend the oven-roasted for its flavor.”

Customer: “Okay… What is the difference between the old-fashioned ham and the honey ham?”

(Eventually, we worked out what she wanted: some salami.)

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Making You Boiling Mad  

, , , , | Right | January 20, 2020

(Due to a water boil notice, my 24-hour restaurant is unable to serve water, coffee, tea, or soda. We get cases of bottled water, but we’re one of few open restaurants and our remaining drinks are going quickly. On Saturday night, we run out of everything except milk, and I tell every incoming table “all we have to drink is milk” and wait until they verbally confirm this is okay before I seat them. Servers reported these conversations with their tables.)

Server: “So, as the host told you, all we have today is milk. Can I start you with some milk?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, we’ll take four milks and a water.”

Server: “Right, we don’t have any water. Four milks, then?”

Customer #1: “You don’t have water?”

Server: “Unfortunately, all we have to drink is milk today, so can I get you some milk?”

Customer #2: “We’ll take four waters.”

Server: *pause* “Unfortunately, all we have to drink today is milk. Can I get you some milk?

Customer #2: “Oh, then I’ll take a diet Coke.”

Server: “Sir, all I can offer you is milk. Would you like milk?”

Customer #2: “All you have is milk?”

(There are five glasses of milk on this customer’s table.)

Customer #3: “I’d like coffee.”

Server: “All we have is milk, unfortunately.”

Customer #3: *argues for several minutes about wanting other drinks, mostly coffee*

Server: *finally leaves table*

Customer #3: *immediately turning to me at the host stand* “Excuse me, do you have coffee?”

Me: “Dude, we don’t have anything. All we have is milk.”

Customer #3: *makes a face as though I’m being horribly rude for no reason*

Customer’s Friend: “Dude, they told you five times they’re out of drinks.”

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Talking Turkey About The Cheese

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2020

Customer: “I want three-quarters of a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Okay, which turkey? We have a lot of them.”

Customer: “Three-quarters of a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Ma’am, what kind of turkey are you looking for? We have [Brand #1] and [Brand #2].”

Customer: “I don’t know! Any turkey!”

Me: “Okay, so, better quality, then? What kind?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Honey mustard?!”

Me: “We have honey maple.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure, that one.”

(We go on to her next item.)

Customer: “Half of a pound of baby swiss.”

Me: *internally* “Okay, so you knew the f****** name of your cheese, but not of your turkey?”

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