I Only Eat Whole Munchies

| Austria | Working | November 9, 2016

(My boss, colleagues, and I are talking about another colleague who we have to let go. Despite eating only organic, vegetarian food and refusing to take most medications because they are “not natural,” that colleague has become addicted to synthetic drugs.)

Colleague: “There are so many synthetic drugs these days, like Ecstasy and, oh, I don’t even know what they are called.”

Boss: “Don’t look at me; I didn’t get further than marijuana.”

Colleague: “Well, that’s organic, at least.”

Flowers That Break The Internet

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Right | May 15, 2016

Middle-School-Aged Customer: “Oh, hey, we could get her some of these… Um, these—” *frowns at sign* “Kardashians?”

Customer’s Mother: “Those are carnations.”

Hopes Of A Refund Have Wilted Away

| Austin, TX, USA | Right | January 26, 2016

(A sad fact of the floral industry is that you often deal in people’s sorrows. Families often come in to purchase casket sprays and other pieces for their deceased loved ones. Sometimes getting the whole group to agree takes a certain degree of diplomacy. A group of about fifteen people come in and purchase several thousand dollars worth of funeral work for their matriarch. No one disagreed, no one voiced concerns about pricing, it was all too perfect, until several family members came back two days later and asked to speak with my dad.)

Dad: “What can I help you all with today?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, uh… we want to return the flowers we bought here the other day.”

Dad: “You want to return one of the pieces you bought on Monday afternoon?”

Customer #1: “No.”

Dad: “You don’t?”

Customer #2: “No, we want to return them all.”

Dad: “Was there a problem? Were they not to your liking?”

Customer #3: “Well, some of them are wilty now.”

Dad: “Well, that’s to be expected. Cut flowers don’t live too long out of water. But was there a problem with them at the time of delivery?”

(All three customers stare at each other, while dad pulls the order slip.)

Dad: Okay, all the pieces were ordered on Monday afternoon for a funeral Tuesday morning. They were delivered early Monday evening…”

Customer #1: “Yeah!”

Dad: “Yeah, what?”

Customer #1: “The funeral was Tuesday morning, that’s what we’re talking about.”

Dad: “I don’t follow.”

Customer #2: “The funeral was Tuesday.”

Dad: “Yes, and the flowers went out early Monday evening. I delivered them myself.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, but we don’t need them anymore.”

Dad: “What do you mean?”

Customer #1: “We only needed them for the funeral. The funeral’s over. We don’t need them anymore.”

Dad: “You’re wanting to return these because the funeral has passed?”

Customer #3: “Well, you don’t expect us to keep them, do you?”

Dad: “I don’t care what you do with them, but I’m not taking them back.”

Customer #1: “So you’re just going to keep our money?”

Dad: “Ma’am, this isn’t a flower rental service. Your family bought perishable goods. You wouldn’t return half eaten food to the grocery store, would you?”

Customer #1: “This is ridiculous! You won’t take ’em back?”

Dad: “No, I won’t.”

Customer #3: “Then what’d we bring ’em back here for?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Nobody told you to.”

Customer #1: “We see how this is. Y’all are just a bunch of crooks!”

(Not only did this continue for fifteen more minutes, in the end they left several of the pieces behind on our parking lot for us to throw away. In the end, we were able to salvage a couple of the wire easels which would have netted them about $8.00.)

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Not Quite Flowering With Affection

| Montebello, CA, USA | Romantic | May 26, 2015

(I work in a flower shop owned by my sisters, my mother, and me. It is Valentine’s day and the shop is packed. A young man walks in.)

Young Man: “I would like a bouquet of your ugliest flowers.”

Me: “Ugly flowers?”

Young Man: “Yeah.”

(I get him a bouquet of flowers.)

Young Man: “No, no that looks to nice. I need like smashed flowers, your trash.”

(He starts looking in the back and sees a torn up ribbon, rose stems and wilted flowers, even the cards on it are beat up.)

Young Man: “There, that’s perfect!”

Me: “Are you doing a prank or a joke?”

Young Man: “This woman won’t stop leaving me alone! She won’t get the hint! She’s been hanging over me like ‘ What are you getting me for Valentine’s day?’ How much do I owe you?”

Me: “It’s fine; take it.”

(The man left. I don’t know how it turned out.)

The Best Ones Take A While To Blossom

| USA | Romantic | February 17, 2014

(A man has been visiting my flower shop every day for the past few weeks, and buying random flowers each time. I catch on quickly and start to flirt with him, but he is very shy and becomes quickly flustered. One day he comes in as usual, and we chat for a while.)

Me: *playfully* “Now, are you going to buy any flowers or do I have to kick you out to make room for real customers?”

Man: “Oh! Uh…”

(He turns red and looks around at the flowers. I pick out a couple of peonies.)

Me: “Here, buy these. You can give them to me when you pick me up for dinner tonight, around 6:30?”

Man: “O-Okay.”

(This year is our 20th wedding anniversary and our daughter just turned 17. Of course, there is always a vase of peonies in our home!)

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