Causing A Spot Of Bother

, , , , | Right | January 7, 2019

(I work in the parking and transportation office of a major university. Among other things, we handle decal issuing and parking violations. As you might imagine, we have a number of angry people come in. This one is unique.)

Customer: “I’d like to make a report.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “A student stole my parking spot!”

Me: “Ah, someone parked in your reserved spot? We monitor those lots, and anyone who shouldn’t be there will be ticketed or towed.”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a reserved spot, but I have a decal! I’m supposed to be able to park in the deck! But that student came in there! I had nowhere to park!”

Me: “If the student had a parking pass for the deck, they’re permitted to park there. Unfortunately, the deck does get full…”

Customer: “But she stole my spot! Aren’t you going to do something about it? Tow her car!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused. If you don’t have a reserved spot, you must take any available space in the deck, and anyone with a valid decal may park there.”

Customer: “No! Are you stupid? She stole. My. Spot!”

Me: *it dawns on me* “Are you saying she took a spot you were trying to park in?”

Customer: “Yes! I saw an open spot and I put my blinker on to claim it, but she just went ahead and parked in it! Then she gave me sass. I demand you tow her car! Here’s her license number.” *shoves a piece of paper at me*

Me: “Ma’am, I’m truly sorry that happened to you, but as long as her car has a valid decal, she’s permitted to park there. Parking can be competit—“

Customer: “Nasty freeloading students, they don’t pay for anything or respect anyone! I bet she doesn’t have a decal. There’s her license! Look her up. You can charge her a fine and she’ll learn her lesson.”

Me: *deciding to humor her* “I will run the number to see if I have her in the system, all right? But I assure you, we regularly monitor all campus parking to be sure—“

Customer: “Just get her out of that spot! I need a place to park!”

Me: *after running the license* “Yes, ma’am, that car has a valid decal. I’m afraid there’s not much more we can transdo—“

Customer:What?! That’s it? Just because she’s got your stupid decal, she gets away with it?! I demand you revoke her parking pass! Tow her car! That stupid b**** has to pay!”

Me: “Ma’am, again, there’s nothing we can do. We can’t ticket or tow a car that’s got the correct decal for the parking zone it’s in—“

Customer: “But she stole my spot!

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but imagine if you purchased a decal and your car still got ticketed or towed. All we can verify is that the decal is up to date—“

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar? She stole my spot! I claimed it as soon as I saw it and she just pulled into it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you, but as I said, we can’t tow a car that has the right to be there—“

Customer: “You are useless! Fine! I guess I have nowhere to park!”

Me: *thinking she must have found a place if she’s standing in front of me* “Sorry about that, ma’am, I hope your day gets better—“

Customer: “F*** you!”

(She stormed out. I’m still baffled she would think that we can tow or ticket a validly-parked car based on her account of someone “stealing” a spot.)

BMI = Bad Model For Increase

, , , , , | Healthy | January 7, 2019

(At the end of seventh grade, I am sent home with a letter from the school nurse stating that my BMI is too high, I’m therefore overweight, and I need to be seen by my pediatrician. My pediatrician tells my mother that since I am extremely active, my diet is healthy, and my weight gain is obviously due to an impending growth spurt, to not worry about the weight for now. Over summer break I grow five inches taller. At this point, I’m looking rather scrawny, as it happens when children have large growth spurts. When school starts back up, I get called back into the school nurse’s office. She starts questioning me as to whether everything is all right at home, how is school, am I making friends, am I getting bullied, etc. She finally gets around to the point that she believes I have an eating disorder! I start laughing.)

Me: “Are you joking? I weigh 150 pounds! You said I was fat three months ago!”

School Nurse: “There is no way you weigh 150 pounds. You’ve obviously been starving yourself to get thin. It’s not healthy to do this to yourself.”

Me: “I’m a runner and play other sports. I grew five inches taller over the summer. I haven’t lost any weight. Got a scale? I’ll prove it.”

(I got on the scale and, lo and behold, I actually weighed 155 pounds. The school nurse thought there was something wrong with it and weighed herself. She weighed me again and realized that it was correct! She couldn’t resolve in her head that at 5’4” and 155 pounds I looked underweight due to my muscle mass versus body fat percentage. She called my mother, at which point my mother yelled at her to stopped harassing me about my weight or she was going to the principal over it.)

Spinning You A Yarn Of An Explanation

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2019

(I work in a clothing store that has one wool sweater for sale. As we’re a tourist stop, we tell people how to wash the sweater when they purchase it. Normally people just nod, thank me, or ask a question like if they should have it dry cleaned. I recognize a girl from earlier in the day when she bought a sweater, but she is back with a friend who is buying one so they can use her discount card.)

Me: “This is 100% wool, so you’re going to want to hand wash it and lay it flat to dry. If you put it in the dryer it’ll become a sweater for a cat.”

Girl: “What’s wool made of?”

Me: *thinking I misheard her* “I’m sorry?”

Girl: “Do you know what wool is made of?”

Me: “It’s sheep’s hair.”

Girl: *looks confused*

Me: “You shear a sheep — basically giving it a haircut — and then that’s spun into yarn and tada! A sweater.”

(The girl looked at me like she was horrified that she’d asked such a stupid question. It was obvious she knew the answer but had just forgotten at the moment when she asked. The rest of the transaction was done in silence.)

Jesus Won’t Do Your Math Homework For You

, , , , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

Customer: “I want five pounds of the [Low-Quality, Bargain Brand] ham, chipped.”

(I groan inside, as this order will take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. When I’m about a third of the way done, the man looks displeased.)

Customer: “G**d***, boy! What the h***’s takin’ so long?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. This is going to take a while.”

Customer: “The guy who helped me last week didn’t take this long!”

(He might not remember that I was the one who served him last week, but I do, because of his attitude and his politically provocative hat, which he’s wearing again today.)

Me: “Last week you didn’t order this much, and you didn’t want it chipped, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? So?”

Me: “You asked for more meat, sliced thinner, so it’ll take more time.”

Customer: “You’re just lazy!”

Me: “It’s not a question of that, sir. It’s like a distance-rate-time problem.”

Customer: “The h*** are you talkin’ about?”

Me: “Like from algebra class. Distance equals rate times time; therefore, time equals distance divided by rate. Increasing the distance and decreasing the rate both increase time, like driving down a longer road at a slower speed.”

(The customer looks at me like I put on a chicken costume and started tap-dancing. Then his face lights up.)

Customer: “You’re talkin’ about that liberal f****** math and science voodoo s***!”

Me: *deadpan expression* “Yup.”

Customer: “I don’t need that s***! I got Jesus!”

Me: “Well, Jesus won’t make this go any faster, either.”

Customer: “Kiss my a**!”

Unfiltered Story #135425

, , , | Unfiltered | January 4, 2019

We are a town known for our Spring Break and as a result alcohol and tobacco sales are very limited. The store I work in has an extremely strict policy on these items. Along with several other rules, you MUST card EVERY person, EVERY time. NO exceptions.

Cashiers are monitored via CCTV and if a purchase is made without showing ID the cashier is immediately fired. One of our employees has just been let go for failure to check ID when this occurs:

My coworker has just declined the sale of a woman (claiming to be) in her 40’s for lack of ID.

Customer: “I’m not some d–mn Spring Breaker!! I’m clearly old enough!! This is bull—!! I’M FROM HERE!!”

She tries to grab the beer from my coworker and leave with it anyway but after a short wrestling match my coworker wins. The woman walks away as if she’s leaving the store but runs and grabs another 6 pack and gets in my line.

Me: “Hello! How are you today? Unfortunately….”

As I’m moving her 6 pack and before I can decline her sale the Customer (with extremely thick Southern accent) replies: “I’m doing fantastic, honey! How are you?  I just can’t believe all these people here! I’m from Louisiana and—-”

Me & My coworker in unison: “Get out.”

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