(I am at a game store to get a case for my new DSi I got for Christmas a few days ago. I see the case I want, but I’m too short to get it.)

Employee: *reaches up and gets it for me* “Here you go, little lady.”

Customer: “That for your kid, girl? You should be ashamed, having one at your age!”

Employee: “Dude, she’s in here all the time; it’s for her. Now, [My Name], need anything else?”

Me: “I think I’ll look at the used games.”

Customer: “Just a poor, single mother. Should be ashamed.”

Cashier: “Sir, please stop harassing her.”

Me: “Are the pre-orders for the new Pokèmon game out yet?”

Employee: “Nope, not until—”

Customer: “She must be a mother! What teenager plays Pokèmon?”

Cashier: “Well, I’m thirty-two and I play.”

Employee: “Twenty-eight. Love Heart Gold and Soul Silver.”

Me: “Twenty. I also play Epic Mickey. With my father. Who is right outside.”

(I gesture out the window. My dad isn’t very strong, but he looks it and is rather tall.)

Customer: *leaves, embarassed*

Cashier: “So, how did you like [Game I bought in the summer] when you were abroad?”

Me: “Epic. Thanks, guys.”

Cashier: “You’re a regular, [My Name]. Oh, hey, [Employee], did you show her the new controller?”

(It ended up being a good trip!)

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(For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

(A guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is using a wheelchair, speaks up.)

Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

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(The kitchen supply store where I work is going out of business. All over the store are bright yellow and black signs stating this, along with, “All Sales Final, No Returns,” and “Cash and Credit Cards Only, No Checks Accepted”.)

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Your total is [price].”

(The customer opens her purse and pulls out a checkbook.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are not able to accept checks at this time.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because the store is going out of business.”

Customer: “So, why is that my problem?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s not your problem. However, we are not able to accept checks any longer.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t see where it says that!”

(I point at the sign behind me.)

Me: “Here…”

(I point at another sign on the front counter.)

Me: “…here…”

(I point at a third sign directly below her open checkbook.)

Me: “…and here.”

Customer: “I read at home! Why should I be forced to read when I shop?!”

(I used to work at this drugstore store before I left to have my child; note that the bathrooms have a lock on them to avoid theft. This take place almost two years after I’ve gone. I’ve stopped in to have lunch with a former coworker, and have my daughter in a stroller when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “You! I need to be let into the bathroom.”

Me: *confused* “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to let me in?!”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen you here before!”

Me: “Well, I used to work here, but that was almost two years ago.”

Customer: “So, are you going to let me in?”

Me: “I can’t. I don’t know the code.”

Customer: “But you work here!”

Me: “Sir, no I don’t. I haven’t worked here in almost two years. They change the codes every six months.”

Customer: “You’re just being lazy and don’t want to work!”

Me: “Why would I be at work with my kid?”

Customer: “Don’t play games with me. Just open the d*** door!”

(At this point, an assistant manager who I know walks over.)

Assistant Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This lazy b**** won’t do her d*** job and open the bathroom up!”

Assistant Manager: “She doesn’t work here, and you need to watch how you speak to people.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Assistant Manager: “Now I have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT!”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, I can. The bathroom is for paying customers only.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy something!”

Assistant Manager: “That ship has sailed. I suggest you go next door to the fast food restaurant.”

Customer: “I’LL SUE YOU!”

Me: “For what exactly? Badgering another customer because you have some delusion that we are keeping the bathroom all to ourselves?”

Customer:“You can’t talk to me like that! I DEMAND she be fired!”

Assistant Manager: “You want me to fire someone who doesn’t work here?”

Customer: “WHY WON’T ANY OF YOU DO YOUR JOBS?!” *runs out of the store, screaming about the bathroom*

(A man walks into our police department and approaches the dispatch counter.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Man: “I was just at a yard sale and bought a nice wood trunk, but when I got it home I looked inside and it was full of dynamite. It looks old and unstable.”

Me: “And where is it now?”

Man: “It’s in the back of my truck.”

Me: “Okay, and where is your truck?”

Man: “Outside in your parking lot!”

(And that was how our police department ended up getting evacuated for three hours. He parked, of all places, next to the supervisor’s brand new personal truck. Thankfully, it was found to be dummy training dynamite!)

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