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How Not To Get Into Their Good Books

, , , | Right | February 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Bookstore]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, how much are your books?”

Me: “What book were you looking for?”

Caller: “No, your books. How much are they?”

Me: “They are all priced differently. Are you looking for one in particular?”

Caller: “No.” *click*

Mentally Pre(Car)ious

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2010

(I work for a non-profit counseling office.)

Caller: “My boyfriend dumped me and took his car back, so I want to get a car.”

Me: “Are you looking for financial assistance with a down payment?”

Caller: “No, I want a car. My friend told me that you people get donated cars and you give them to people who need them. I need one.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am afraid that’s not the case. We don’t have any sort of car or transportation programs at our agency.”

Caller: “Are you calling my friend a liar?”

Me: “No, I am simply stating a fact. Our agency does not, nor have we ever had a program where we gave out cars.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous! Then what exactly is it that you DO do?”

Me: “We provide psychological counseling and community referrals. I could refer you to another agency that might be able to help you get a car.”

Caller: “I don’t need counseling! I NEED A FREE CAR! You should be ashamed of yourself!”


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If You Can’t Bear Them, Join Them

, , , , , , , | Right | January 28, 2010

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I like that little teddy bear with the sweater. How much is it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the teddy bear comes with this gift set of fragrance and body wash. It’s $30.”

Customer: “No. Just the bear.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I have no way to just ring up the bear as it comes with the gift set only.”

Customer: “Then how do I get the bear?”

Me: “Well, you would have to buy this gift set. It’s very popular and only $30.”

Customer: “No, thank you. I’ll just take the bear today. How much?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a good deal for the holidays. I can sell you the bear, for only $30, and not only that, but I will throw in this fragrance gift set, just for you.”

Customer: “Thank you so very much, dear!”


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Eggs, Milk, Bondage Gear…

, , , , , | Right | January 19, 2009

(I was working for a grocery store in Panama City Beach, which is a big tourist spot. I was bagging this couple’s groceries – which included condoms – when this exchange occurred.)

Me: “So, you must be from out of town, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, we’re only here for a few days. Just getting the necessities, y’know?”

(Just then, a pair of handcuffs comes rolling down the conveyor belt.)

Me: “Just the necessities, eh?”

My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2009

(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”