Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Bookstore]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, how much are your books?”
Me: “What book were you looking for?”
Caller: “No, your books. How much are they?”
Me: “They are all priced differently. Are you looking for one in particular?”
Caller: “No.” *click*
(I work for a non-profit counseling office.)
Caller: “My boyfriend dumped me and took his car back, so I want to get a car.”
Me: “Are you looking for financial assistance with a down payment?”
Caller: “No, I want a car. My friend told me that you people get donated cars and you give them to people who need them. I need one.”
Me: “Ma’am, I am afraid that’s not the case. We don’t have any sort of car or transportation programs at our agency.”
Caller: “Are you calling my friend a liar?”
Me: “No, I am simply stating a fact. Our agency does not, nor have we ever had a program where we gave out cars.”
Caller: “This is ridiculous! Then what exactly is it that you DO do?”
Me: “We provide psychological counseling and community referrals. I could refer you to another agency that might be able to help you get a car.”
Caller: “I don’t need counseling! I NEED A FREE CAR! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
This story is part of our “Florida Man” roundup!
Read the next “Florida Man” roundup story!
Read the “Florida Man” roundup!
Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Yeah, I like that little teddy bear with the sweater. How much is it?”
Me: “Well, ma’am, the teddy bear comes with this gift set of fragrance and body wash. It’s $30.”
Customer: “No. Just the bear.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, I have no way to just ring up the bear as it comes with the gift set only.”
Customer: “Then how do I get the bear?”
Me: “Well, you would have to buy this gift set. It’s very popular and only $30.”
Customer: “No, thank you. I’ll just take the bear today. How much?”
Me: “Ma’am, we do have a good deal for the holidays. I can sell you the bear, for only $30, and not only that, but I will throw in this fragrance gift set, just for you.”
Customer: “Thank you so very much, dear!”
This story is part of the American States roundup!
(I was working for a grocery store in Panama City Beach, which is a big tourist spot. I was bagging this couple’s groceries – which included condoms – when this exchange occurred.)
Me: “So, you must be from out of town, then?”
Customer: “Yeah, we’re only here for a few days. Just getting the necessities, y’know?”
(Just then, a pair of handcuffs comes rolling down the conveyor belt.)
Me: “Just the necessities, eh?”
(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)
Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”
Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”
Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”
Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”
Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”
