Has His Sons Wrapped Around His Severed Finger

, , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(My dad is working outside and cuts off his index finger and thumb. We call 911, and after they get him into an ambulance and on the way to the hospital, my mom and I get in the car and follow him. I start texting my older brothers to update them on the situation, since they don’t live at home anymore. My whole family has a very weird and sometimes dark sense of humor.)

Me: “Dad cut his fingers. They might have to amputate them. Mom and I are on the way. [Sister] already knows. I’ll update when I get any news.”

(After the initial shock has set in with both of them, they message me back.)

Brother #1: “Guess I have to take that guitar back, don’t I?”

Brother #2: “Too early for keyboard jokes?”

(After my dad is able to get out of the hospital, they start the jokes right back up.)

Brother #1: “That’s good that he can go home. Make sure he sits in the back; it’s not like he can point directions, anyway.”

Brother #2: “If he says he has a booger, make sure you say, ‘Not it!'”

Brother #1: “Start thinking of some good puns we can make.”

Me: “Already on it.”

Brother #2: “It’s all right that he lost a few; at least he has eight more.”

Brother #1: “He’s going to need a calculator; his counting is going to be way off from now on.”

Brother #2: “On the bright side, I’ve got a good Halloween idea planned already.”

Me: “He’s not going to be giving as many high-fives as he used to; it’ll be more like high-three-and-a-half.”

Got Their Insults All Lined Up

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(I am working at the service desk, which is not within sight of the registers, when an older man stomps up to me.)

Customer: *loudly* “Excuse me. Can you count past two?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Wha—”

Customer: “You must not be able to, or maybe you didn’t notice that there’s only two registers open!”

Me: “Sir, there’s no reason to insult my intelligence. I haven’t been on the front; I have nothing to do with there only being two registers open—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “You’re insulting my intelligence, making me stand in line!” *stomps off*

Your Stupidity Is Fluid

, , , , , | Working | March 5, 2018

(I’m sitting in the break room having a drink of water when one of the teenagers from the dairy department walks in.)

Teenager: “Again! You always drink water!”

Me: “…”

Teenager: “Don’t you know how to drink soda?”

Me: “I don’t imagine the required skill set differs greatly from that of drinking water.”

Unfiltered Story #106403

, | Unfiltered | March 4, 2018

I work for a marina that has a pool on-site. We allow pets in the marina but not on the pool deck. A couple comes to sit by the pool one day with their dog, who is not on a leash and is chasing every person that walks by and walking right up to the edge of the pool.

Me: Excuse me, he can’t be that close to the pool, it’s a health hazard.

Customer: He’s a service dog!

Me: That’s fine, but you have to at least leash him and keep him 10 feet from the pool.

Customer: But he’s a service dog! My wife needs him here!

Me: *getting annoyed* Sir, I’m not telling you you can’t have him just not so close to the edge of the pool.

They did finally leash the dog after my manager came out and told them the same thing I did. However, they came back the next day with the dog running freely on the pool deck.

The Mother Of All Turn-Offs

, , , , | Friendly | February 28, 2018

(One of our male students is basically a nice guy, but has a bit of an ego problem, especially when it comes to girls. One afternoon this male student leaves class and goes out onto the quad. He notices an attractive young lady that he has not seen before. He starts talking to her, doing his best to turn on the charm. A few minutes later, a female student enters the quad and observes the male student for a moment.)

Female Student: “Hey, [Male Student], can I talk to you for a moment?”

Male Student: *approaches [Female Student], visibly irritated* “What do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Female Student: “Oh, I was just wondering why you were trying to pick up my mom.”

(I think [Male Student] got teased about that for the rest of the academic year.)

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