When You Ironically Need Therapy

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2021

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #1: “Only my psychiatrist can help me.”

Dying inside, I chuckle politely. I finish helping the customer.

Me: “If I hear one more psychiatrist joke I’m going to f****** scream.”

Coworker: “Yeah. It’s like they think we haven’t heard that a million times. ‘Oh, you can’t help me unless you’re a psychiatrist.’ That’s so original!”

Me: “No, Hypothetical Random Dumba**, I have heard it a million times, and it wasn’t funny any of those times. But it was funny when you said it, because you’re just so g**d*** special.”

Coworker: “Eeyup.”

Three minutes later, another customer walks up to the counter.

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know. Are you a psychiatrist?”

Me: “Excuse me a moment. [Coworker], can you give me a hand?”

I went inside the walk-in cooler, closed the door, and screamed at the top of my lungs.

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The Returner Versus The Couponator II: This Time It’s Personal

, , , , , , , | Right | February 7, 2021

A customer is doing a return.

Customer: “My wife used a 30%-off coupon when she purchased this. Is it possible to get that back when I do the return?”

Me: “No, sorry, sir, we can’t return coupons.”

Customer: “What if I do this return without a receipt? Could she then use the coupon for something else?”

Me: “No, sir, the coupon has already been used.”

Customer: “Well, if I return it without a receipt, can I get the full amount back?”

Me: “Not only am I currently holding your receipt, sir, but we cannot give you back more than you spent. Doing a return without a receipt doesn’t give you the full amount back; it gives you the lowest price the item has been in the last sixty days.”

Customer: “But like, come on. It couldn’t have been less than 30% off…”

Me: “Well, sir, that is certainly a risk you can take, but I will tell you that your odds of finding the only items in the store that haven’t been on sale recently are extremely low. I’ve seen items go as low as $1 each. Trust me, you won’t be getting paid more than your purchase amount.” 

He finally took the original amount he’d paid as a refund and left with his three children. He had announced that they were homeschooled prior to this interaction. I feel less than encouraged about their upbringing.

The Returner Versus The Couponator

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Freestyle Doesn’t Mean Free From Customers

, , , , | Working | February 6, 2021

We have Coca-Cola Freestyle machines. Occasionally, I have to help customers who apparently haven’t encountered them before or who can’t find the exact beverage they’re looking for.

Customer: “You don’t have any unsweetened iced tea here?”

Me: “Oh, isn’t it under Diet [Brand] tea?”

I’m assuming at this point that he’s only looked under the non-diet option.

Customer: “No, that’s not it. I was looking for the giant tank of tea you guys used to have, but you only have the sweet tea out now. Can you get me unsweet tea from behind the counter or something?”

Me: “Sir, the only unsweet tea we have is the diet [Brand] tea.”

Customer: “But I don’t want a diet tea; they have artificial sweeteners.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “So, if you guys don’t have unsweet tea, I’d like a refund on my drink.”

I go get my manager to do the refund.

Manager: “All right, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I want a refund on my drink because you guys don’t have any unsweet tea.”

Manager: “No, we do. It’s under Diet [Brand] tea—”

Customer: “I don’t want a diet tea; those have artificial sweeteners.”

I could see my manager decide this isn’t an argument worth getting into. She refunded his drink.

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The Root Of All Evil

, , , , , | Right | February 2, 2021

I am putting away stock when an older woman comes in. My colleague greets her and asks her if she needs any help. She doesn’t even look at him and says:

Customer: “No, I don’t want your help. This girl is going to help me. She will help me. This girl. Her.”

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Do you work here?”

I don’t wear a uniform.

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for hair stuff. It’s in a can. For roots.”

We don’t have many things that match that vague description and I show her to them. 

Customer: “No, it’s not those. I paid $12. Where are they?”

Me: “Those are the only root sprays we have.”

Customer: “I know I got it here. Yesterday. Last week. What about those?”

She points to the wild hair colors; green, blue, etc. 

Me: “Those aren’t for roots. And they don’t match your hair color.”

She ignores me and walks down to look at them. She grabs a bottle. 

Customer: “This is it. What color is it? Wait, it’s in my purse.”

I try to explain that it is hair glitter and not root coverup. 

She shoves the bottle at me and empties her large purse onto the floor. A can falls out; it is the right brand but a different color. I grab the right one off the shelf and hand it to her. 

Customer: “Is that the right color? Are you sure? What color is it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they are the same.”

Customer: “How do you know?”

Me: “They have the same color name.”

Customer: “Is it the right one? Okay. Go get me the other one I put back.”

I bite my tongue and grab it for her. Hoping that will be the end of it. She walks away without saying a word so I go back to what I was doing. Later, I hear her yelling:


I take a deep depth and go to where she is. She is standing in front of the coolers filled with drinks. 

Customer: “Go get me orange juice. Big one and a little one.”

Me: “They are at the other end if you would like to pick the ones you like.”

Customer: “No, you get them.”

She has not looked at me the whole time she has been giving me orders. I roll my eyes and get them for her. I start to walk away. 

Customer: “Girl. I’m done; you have to ring me up.”

Me: “No, I don’t. There is a gentleman up there that will be happy to help you.”

I continue to walk away. I go to the stockroom to take a moment before getting back to my work. 

After she leaves, I talk to the man that rang her up. She complained the whole time how rude I was. She thanked him for being so nice and told him that must be why he’s the manager. He tried to explain that he was just the clerk.

She gets home and calls to complain about my behavior. I answer the phone and tell her I am the manager. That makes her very mad. The last thing I hear before I hang up is her yelling:

Customer: “You’re a girl! You’re not smart enough to be the boss!”

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Take It EZ

, , , , , | Working | February 1, 2021

I am Team Lead, and I have been working for about eight days straight on overnights. I am very tired and I’m kind of on autopilot. A customer walks up to the counter with a box of condoms. The letters ENZ are on it. The customer also puts two bottles of water, a bottle of wine, and a rose down. I start scanning the items.

Me: “Hello, how is your night going?”

Customer: “Going good so far. How is yours?”

Me: “Eh, just slightly tired. But overall, not too bad.”

I finish ringing everything up, the condoms being last.

Me: “Will that be EZ for you tonight?”

I realized my error of words. I’d meant to say, “Will that be everything for you tonight?”

The customer looked at me, not knowing what to say. I just looked back, utterly horrified. My manager was laughing his a** off in the office as he’d seen the whole thing go down.

All in all, the guy didn’t get mad. He laughed it off as a slip of the brain and walked away. I was extremely mortified, and I have yet to live that slip down.

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