(I have just finished making an iced drink for the customer. It is a blended drink with whipped cream and syrup on top. I pass it over to her but she shakes her head and slides it back.)

Customer: “Oh, no, honey. I wanted the cream and syrup on the bottom.”

(No problem. I grab another cup and use a spoon to take all the topping off and place it in the cup, and then pour the rest of the drink on top. Naturally, the weight of the rest of the drink squashes the whipped cream. Both she and my boss, who is nearby making hot drinks, watch me do this.)

Customer: “Where’s my whipped cream?”

(Thinking maybe we misheard her original order and she wanted extra, I go to add some on top, but she stops me.)

Customer: “No, I want it at the bottom.”

Me: “It is at the bottom. It’s what I put in the cup first. I can remake it, if you like.”

Customer: “No, please don’t waste food. I just want you to add some whipped cream to the bottom of the cup.”

Me: *turning to boss* “I literally don’t know how to respond to this.”

(It’s a few days before Christmas, and it’s one of our VP’s birthdays. We all hear an announcement over the PA system that there is breakfast in our lunch room to celebrate the birthday and holidays. As I’ve already eaten, I remain at my desk. Multiple coworkers have already asked me why I’m not going, and I’ve told them I already ate. Most of them just keep walking, satisfied with my answer, but not this one.)

Coworker: “[My Name] let’s go! There’s food!”

Me: “But I already ate breakfast.”

Coworker: “So? Overeating! That’s the [company] way!”

(My partner and I don’t normally go to chain restaurants, but for Christmas we receive a gift card to a well-known Italian style restaurant. I’m struggling to find something I can eat with my dietary restrictions. I see something that looks good, but it’s being offered as a “pairing” with sirloin, which I can’t eat.)

Me: “Excuse me; I’m just curious if you possibly offer the lobster ravioli by itself, or with something besides sirloin. I can’t eat red meat.”

Server: “Um, I don’t think… we can’t offer it except in the pairing.”

Me: “Okay, could I substitute something else for the sirloin?”

Server: “Um, I guess… you could get shrimp added for an up-charge.”

Me: “And it would substitute the sirloin?”

Server: “No, you’d get sirloin, shrimp, and the lobster ravioli!”

Me: “I can’t eat sirloin, though. So, it’s not possible to substitute?”

Server: “I, um… I could add the shrimp and you could just not eat the sirloin.”

Me: “So I’d pay more, but have the kitchen waste the sirloin…?”

Server: “…I guess.”

Me: “No thanks, I’ll just get the shrimp scampi.”

(If you don’t do substitutions, just say so!)

(It is Christmas Eve, at about eight pm. I work in the video games section.)

Customer: “Finally! We’ve been here for half a f****** hour! Don’t you a**-holes think you could hurry up and actually let us get home to our families!”

(I have been there all day and am technically there by choice as we are all going to go to see a new movie after closing up, not to mention I have been informed I am not being kept on after the season ends, so I am not in the mood to deal with any of her attitude. I actually have Asperger’s Syndrome, so I was a bit manipulative with the situation.)

Me: “I-I’m s-s-s-sorry ma’am… I… I’m Autistic and I… I’m t-t-t-tying my be-be-best ta get ta e-e-e-very customer as fa-fa-fast as I can.”

Customer: “Oh… oh, I am so sorry… We’d like [Video Game], please.”

(Now I’m not the most proud of using my autism for ‘evil,’ but it saved me from having to deal with a woman that clearly didn’t understand that Christmas Eve happened to be a busy day at a toy store.)

(My family is at the checkout line for our groceries. The checkout clerk comments how my three year old is adorable and well-behaved. I thank her.)

Employee: *to daughter* “You should tell Mommy and Daddy that you want a brother or sister for Christmas!”

(The clerk looks at me and smiles.)

Me: *coldly* “Then it’s a good thing we’re Jewish.”