Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

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This Just Isn’t Going To Cowork

, , , , | Romantic | June 23, 2017

(I am 17 and my coworker is old enough to be my mother. One day her son, who is a little older than I am, comes to bring her lunch while I’m working. The next day…)

Coworker: “So, [Son] had a lot of questions about you last night.”

Me: “Questions? All I did was let him in the door.”

Coworker: “He thought you were real pretty! Wanted to know if I had your number in my phone.”

Me: “Was he disappointed when you didn’t?”

Coworker: *laughing* “He was. If we didn’t work together I’d be rooting for you, though. I know you’re not crazy like his last girlfriend.”

(The next week her son is in the office again and waggles his eyebrows at me, walking in my direction. Suddenly, my coworker reaches up and grabs his shirt collar.)

Coworker: “[Son], I never thought I’d have to tell you this, but you are not allowed to date MY coworkers!”

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Flirtation Comes With Part Of The Package

, , , , | Right | June 4, 2017

(This took place a few years ago when I was working for a well known cheap clothes shop. I’m usually just a cashier but I have been asked to tidy up the men’s section. A middle aged woman approaches me; her late-teens son is hanging in the background.)

Customer: “What size boxers does my son need?” *calls him over*

Me: *a bit taken aback* “Oh, uhm, what size is he usually in boxers?”

(At this point I’m feeling so sorry for her son; he looks so embarrassed!)

Customer: “Well, he’s usually a medium as he has quite a big package!”

Me: *inside I’m cringing as I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!* “The medium boxers here should fit, then! Anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “Yes, are you single? My son is such a lovely young man, you know!”

Me: “I’m sure he is madam, but I’m taken. Sorry!”

(I quickly scurried away and begged to be put back on tills! That poor boy!)

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Deli-cate Situation

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2010

Me: “Hello, this is–”

Caller: “Baby, what are you doing? Want to come over later?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: *laughs* “You heard me, baby.”

Me: “Sir, I think you may have the wrong number. This is a deli.”

Caller: “Woah, are you serious?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s okay.”

Caller: “So… do you want to come over?

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See No Evil, Grope No Evil

, , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(I’m a man. One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple of lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the backroom at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone, too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you anymore!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

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