See No Evil, Grope No Evil

, , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(I’m a man. One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple of lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the backroom at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone, too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you anymore!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

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Please Do Not Titillate The Employees

, , , | Right | February 11, 2009

(I’m 17 and am volunteering at the museum for a ride that takes you on a trip to Mars.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can my son go in there?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s no room and this is the last ride.”

Customer: “Hmph.” *drags her son away and whispers something to him*

Customer’s Son: “Um, hi.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer’s Son: “My mom told me to flirt with you so I could see the ride.”

Me: “Uh… yeah. I can’t let you do that.”

Customer’s Son: “Okay.” *goes back to his mother*

Customer: “Well, fine then, young lady. I want to see your manager.”

Me: “Okay, he’s the man over there in the blue shirt with gold collars.”

Customer: “I’m going to tell him you won’t flirt with my son!” *goes away and takes her son with her*

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Chippendales, The Golden Years

, , , | Right | October 10, 2008

(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least 70, balding, and at least one has a cane.)

Manager: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Elderly Man #1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”

Manager: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”

Elderly Man #2: “But are they as hot as us?”

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