Not Single(Mother) Minded

, , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2017

(A female coworker starts a conversation with me, a male, about relationships. It’s very friendly and casual. We’re about the same age. I’m single, never married. She’s been going through a divorce and has a four-year-old. But none of that is on my mind as we talk.)

Coworker #1: “Does the thought of dating a woman that already has kids weird you out?”

Me: “Yeah. I couldn’t do that. I don’t know. That’s a lot of complications and baggage and stuff right out the gate, and I’m young enough that it’s not really necessary to handle that if I don’t need to, you know?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, for sure. I can understand that.”

(She heads off to check on her tables, and another coworker comes up to me and practically smacks me upside the head.)

Coworker #2: “[MY NAME]! You f****** jerk!”

Me: “What? What did I do?”

Coworker #2: “She was asking that because she means her!

Me: “Oh. Well, the answer doesn’t change!”

(For the record, she’s a very beautiful and friendly woman, but my position will hold. There would have to be something very magical between me and a single mother for me to be willing to put myself into the lives of her kids who will, at some level, see me as a guy keeping their mom and dad from getting back together. No, thanks.)

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Got That Whey Wrong

, , , , , | Romantic | October 30, 2017

(I am living with my mom, who is renting space from another woman who lives with her son. There has been some fooling around between her son and me periodically, but we’re not a couple. I’ve just run my first marathon and am resting on the couch watching movies, and he’s been texting his friends to hang out. Both of our moms are gone for the night and I’ve just gotten off the phone with my mom, talking about my marathon. This entire conversation takes place while my roommate looks at his phone.)

Roommate: *still texting* “So, how’s your mom?”

Me: “She’s fine. We just talked about my marathon and how sore I currently am. She says I need some protein and they’ll be less painful.”

Roommate: “Yeah, you need some protein. It’ll help you recover faster.”

(He’s currently standing next to the couch and his crotch is right about the same level as my face.)

Roommate: “I’ve got some protein I can give you.”

Me: *confused look* “What?”

Roommate: “Yeah, it won’t take long, and I can make it right here.”

Me: “Uh… I don’t really feel like doing that right now. I’m just really tired and sore.”

Roommate: “Seriously, it won’t take long, and it’s not that much of an inconvenience for me.”

(He finally looks away from his phone and sees my utterly confused face and notices his stance and location.)

Roommate: “Oh, my God. WHEY PROTEIN. I HAVE WHEY PROTEIN POWDER. DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU A WHEY PROTEIN SHAKE WITH MILK?”

Me: *dies laughing as he makes me a shake*

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A Marriage That Hookers You In

, , , , | Romantic | September 29, 2017

(My husband and I work near each other and carpool to work. He is dropping me off at my office.)

Me: “I really don’t feel like doing [work task] today.”

Husband: *in a suggestive tone* “Well, I can think of an alternative to doing [work task].”

Me: “Yeah, but I don’t get paid for that.”

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He’ll Do Things With His Thingy

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2017

(My fiancée is currently working late shifts, so he is in bed when I leave for work in the morning. I usually give him a kiss goodbye, but I have a minute spare, so I climb into bed to give him a cuddle over the covers.)

Fiancée: “Are you naked?”

Me: “No, I’m just about to leave for work; why would I be naked?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know; I can always hope.”

Me: “What would you do?”

Fiancée: “I don’t know. Things.”

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Managed To Turn It All Around

, , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2017

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”

Boyfriend: “Then I won’t turn around, because I don’t like those.” *keeps tapping away on the computer*

(Suddenly, I see a little video-screen displaying the study pop up on the computer screen. The image is clearly coming from the webcam on the computer. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for my boyfriend, my naked body is completely covered by the back of the chair. We both begin to laugh uncontrollably.)

Boyfriend: “Drat! Now I have to turn around anyway!” *turns around and gives me a kiss*

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