That’s Some Really Crappy Sex

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 12, 2018

(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)

Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”

Failed In The Wink Of An Eye

, , , , , | Right | October 24, 2018

Me: *finish ringing up the customer’s items* “Ok. That comes to $67.47”

Customer: *leans in very close and looks over his shoulder and whispers* “Hey, man. Can I get a discount?” *proceeds to give me a wink*

(I lean in equally as close and look over my shoulder and whisper…)

Me: “No”.

Customer: *smile fades from face*

Me: *unenthusiastic stone-faced wink* “$67.47, please.”

She’s Not Giving You A New Hope

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 23, 2018

I’m an asexual woman, but back when I was in college, “asexual” wasn’t really “a thing.” I just ended up telling all my friends, “I don’t date,” as a personal rule.

One of the boys who was in theater with me had a very strong crush on me. The two of us practically built the theater department, so we were always hanging out together and were pretty good friends, but he was always trying to convince me to go out with him. He would buy me gifts even though I had told him I didn’t date and didn’t have the money to reciprocate the presents.

One day he told me his brother was trying to sell a rare draft script for the first Star Wars movie ever made. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd, and I would have flipped to have that script or even just a photocopy of it. I even said as much to him. Unfortunately I didn’t have the money his brother was asking for, and the script sold online.

Fast-forward a year. I could tell our friendship was cooling because he was getting frustrated that I still wouldn’t go out with him. The last time it came up, he handed me a birthday gift: a pair of gold and ruby earrings. I don’t wear jewelry, so I had no idea what they were worth, but all I thought was that he had to have spent far more than what his brother asked for that Star Wars script! I stared at the jewels and then looked at him, finally saying, “Um, my ears aren’t pierced.”

He took the earrings back and we never really hung out again. He did finally move on, get a girlfriend, and get married. I have never broken my rule about “not dating.”

The moral of the story is: If you’re trying to get someone to go out with you especially by giving them presents, maybe take a cursory review of the three years you’ve been friends to notice that she doesn’t wear jewelry or have pierced ears, but is fanatically obsessed with Star Wars and would have felt obligated to go on a date if you had just given her that incredibly rare artifact you somehow had access to!

Aging Of Innocence

, , , , | Right Romantic | September 8, 2018

(I’m cashiering in the early morning. An older man comes through my line and as usual I try to be friendly, polite, and provide the best service I can.)

Customer: *after I’ve finished scanning and bagging about all his things* “You know you’re a real sweetheart, and do a great job!”

Me: *smiling, as the compliment seems genuine and kind* “Thank you, sir, your total is [total]. Would you like help out to your car today?”

(He declines, pays, and I hand over his change.)

Customer: *as I hand over his bags* “If I was sixty years younger, I’d try to kiss you!”

(I’m quite shocked at this. Yes, I am a young woman in college, but I’ve never had something like this happen.)

Me: *giving a little fake chuckle* “Have a great morning, sir.”

(He laughed and walked away. I stood at my register still in slight shock. I’d heard about stuff like this happening but I honestly felt really flustered and embarrassed. In all honestly, though, I’m sure the customer didn’t mean to offend me and was just trying to be sweet.)

A Date To Remember

, , , , | Romantic | September 7, 2018

(My mum and I are walking up to a market stall to buy coffees. There is an older man working at the counter. He turns to face my mum and says the following:)

Man: “Would you like me to date you?”

Mum: *turns red* “Um… What?”

Man: “Date? Yes?”

(At this point, the man holds up a pair of tongs with a dried date between them.)

Mum: *with a look of relief* “Oh! Yes, please.”

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