I work for a financial services company. I take customer calls.

Caller: “I have to complain! I saw one of your commercials on TV last night!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you have a complaint, sir. Please let me know the details, and I can get it forwarded to the correct department.”

Caller: “You were advertising during the Tucker Carlson show!”

Me: “Yes, sir, and what’s the complaint?”

Caller: “Tucker Carlson! That’s Fox News! I really thought [Company] would be better than to advertise on Fox News!”

Me: “Sir, is your complaint that one of our ads played on Fox News?”

Caller: “Yes! You should be better than choosing to advertise on that channel, and especially during that show!”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t like it, why were you watching Tucker Carlson?”

Caller: *Click.*

Hey, look, I don’t like that channel either. I did forward the complaint to our marketing department, but c’mon, dude, this is America. Money talks!

A long time ago, I worked at a company that gave me a retirement account through a specific pension provider. I eventually changed jobs to a different company that provided a retirement account through another provider. I called them to roll my old account funds into my new one.

Call Center Worker: “We can do that for you, but there is a $50 account closing fee.”

Me: “Why do you have an account closing fee?”

Call Center Worker: “That’s just our standard admin fee for closing the account.”

Me: “Okay, well then I’ll leave it open, but I’ll transfer everything except one dollar.”

Call Center Worker: “We require a $50 minimum in case you do want to close at a later date.”

Me: “Okay, fine, roll over all my funds except for $50. I’ll keep the account open.”

I tell them to send me quarterly updates in my $50 (I opt in for the paper update, sent through the mail). They invest it and make it grow, and so each quarter I get them to transfer over all but $50 of my account balance. It’s usually just a check for a few dollars, but they do it all the same. 

By this point, I’ve cost them way more than $50 of service, postage, and checks they mail to me, but I still have a few decades to retirement. Let’s see how much I can cost them before they give me my $50.

I used to work at an investment brokerage, taking calls from clients.

Me: “Can I take some security details from you, please?”

Caller: “The usual, I suppose? My full name is [Name], I was born on [Date Of Birth], and it’s Hippopotamus1234.

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that last thing?”

Caller: “Hippopotamus1234. My password.”

Me: “Sir, you shouldn’t tell anyone your password, even me!”

Caller: “It’s fine! It’s really hard to spell. I use it for everything!”

Me: “Sir, you have over a million dollars in assets with our firm. I have access to your email address and just about all of your other identifying information. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, but you have to change your password right now.”

Caller: “Ugh, it took so long to come up with hippopotamus. Could you suggest a good one for me?”

No self-preservation, these people, I swear.