Go Nude Or Go Home

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2017

(It’s about four am when I receive a call from my boyfriend, who works third shift. I’m a fairly heavy sleeper, and it takes a while for me to wake up. I also sleep nude, as I’ve always found it more comfortable than wearing even light pajamas.)

Boyfriend: “I’m too tired to drive home from work today. Mind if I crash at your place?”

Me: *still half-asleep* “Yeah. Just knock when you get here and I’ll let you in.”

(I fall asleep as soon as the call ends, only waking up when I hear pounding on the door to my studio apartment.)

Me: *opens the door, barely keeping my eyes open* “Mornin’.”

(My boyfriend stands there for a few minutes, and when I blink away the sleep from my eyes I realize he’s looking at me in disgust.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re naked.”

Me: *looks down at myself* “Yeah? I was sleeping.”

Boyfriend: “Well, get dressed! What if someone sees you?”

Me: “Then they see a naked fat chick letting her boyfriend in at four am. What’s the problem?”

(My apartment is on the second floor, in the back corner of the complex. Someone would have to be extremely determined, and capable of climbing trees, to look in on me.)

Boyfriend: “Go get dressed this instant.”

Me: *laughs* “I pay the rent; I’ll sleep nude if I want.”

Boyfriend: *getting increasingly flustered* “I’m not coming in until you get some clothes on, and that’s final.”

Me: “Then you’ll sleep in your car. Or outside. I don’t care; I’ve got work in the morning and I’m exhausted.”

Boyfriend: *crosses his arms and stares me down, like some overgrown toddler about to throw a tantrum, for a good minute*

Me: “Good night.” *shuts the door on his face and goes back to bed*

(I woke up to several angry messages from him, almost all of them summed up as, “You’re the worst person in the world and we’re through.” I didn’t bother responding, but I wonder why he was so adamant I cover myself, while he made me hold the door open for five minutes instead of just coming in.)

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This Relationship Is A Train-Wreck

, , , | Romantic | August 3, 2017

I am teaching English in the Czech Republic with my boyfriend. After talking me into moving overseas he is hating living there and I am loving it. We are invited to a party with a few other teachers and a bunch of other students.

After 15 minutes (of watching me have a fantastic time), he insists we leave and go on an impromptu road trip to Germany in the shitty little car he insisted we buy while we are there.

As soon as we cross the German border we come across a set of railroad tracks with the border bars coming down. He is confident we can beat the train and against my screaming for him to stop, drives the car under the bars.

The car stalls on the tracks. As we watch the train blaring toward us I am furiously trying to unbuckle my broken seat belt while he is trying to start the car. At the last minute, he makes it.

After thanking God we made it alive, I promised god I would dump him, and I did.

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Pie Oh My!

, , , | Romantic | May 30, 2017

(I work maintenance at an apartment complex. My first call of the day is the unit of a married couple. The wife works from home. She answers the door and lets me in.)

Me: “You called for maintenance?”

Wife: “Yeah, the garbage disposal doesn’t work. Can you fix it?”

(She directs me to the kitchen, but keeps her head pointed away from the room. I ask a few troubleshooting questions. She answers them, but keeps her hand over her mouth and nose the whole time.)

Wife: “If you need me, I’ll be in my office down the hall. Don’t call me over here.”

(She heads off to her office and I start unpacking my tools. On the table I see a freshly baked pecan pie. A sizable note with large bold writing is propped up next to it.)

Note: “Do NOT even F****** touch! This is for your PARENTS’ anniversary! Don’t embarrass me like last year! Hugs and kisses, [Husband].”

(I fixed the disposal without much trouble. I don’t know if she was able to resist the allure of the pie, but I sure hope so. It smelled delicious.)

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This Relationship Is Banned

, | Romantic | May 19, 2017

My lifelong favorite band broke up when I was a bit too young to have ever had a chance to attend a concert, and they notoriously hated each other too much to reunite, so I accepted years ago that I never would get to see them play live. Amazingly, a few years ago they decide to do one short tour, and one of the stops is in my city!

Since I am at work when the tickets go on sale and my boyfriend has the day off, he offers to get the tickets. He successfully buys them and I am very excited!

A couple months later it is the month of the concert. He gets his work schedule and sees he is booked to work the day of the concert and the day after — out-of-town work, so impossible to come home for the evening. I assume he would trade shifts with someone or, worst case scenario, sell or give me his ticket. It’s THE concert of my life so of course he wouldn’t spoil it for me, right?

A couple weeks before the concert I ask to get the tickets from him since he is for-sure not getting the days off. He casually tells me that he gave the tickets away, because he couldn’t go, and they were his tickets, so why would he keep them if he couldn’t use them? No explanation of why I would not have been the first person he’d offer them to. If I’d known he considered them “his” tickets, I would have fought harder to pay him for one so I’d have rights. Or I would have snuck away during work on ticket-sales day and got my own tickets.

Dude screwed me out of seeing my favorite band, an opportunity that will never happen again, and he didn’t even apologize. In his slimy little brain he had done nothing wrong!

No, things didn’t work out between us.

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Never Too Late (Or Early) To Apologize

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2015

(A young woman in her late teens approaches the counter — her face is beet red. I’m a new hire and don’t want to deal with her, as she’s clearly angry, but she catches my eye before I can hide in the back.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am! What can I get for you today?”

(The woman glares at me, but takes a deep breath and rubs at her eyes– then holds up her hand as though she is physically restraining herself from doing anything stupid.)

Customer: “Look. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I’m really not in a good mood but I’m not angry with you and I’m really sorry you have to deal with me because I’m going to be rude and mean and you don’t deserve that. Okay? Sorry in advance.”

Me: *taken aback* “Er… all right?”

Customer: “Could I f****** get the unhealthiest f****** thing on your f****** menu, please? F***.”

(Here’s the kicker: she was much more polite than most people I dealt with that day!)


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