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At Least They’re Figuring This Out Before It’s Too Late

, , , , , , , | Romantic | December 24, 2022

I used to teach tenth-grade English. One day, I assigned a twenty-minute writing prompt on the students’ dream life.

In my seventh period, I had a couple who had been dating for about three months. The boy was completely head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, but he had some “unique” ideas.

After the twenty minutes were up, I asked for volunteers to share what they had written and the boy stood up to read his paper.

Boy: “My dream is to live off the grid in either Wyoming, Montana, or Alaska. I want to live in a cabin that I built with my own hands. I am going to have a farm and grow my own food, an orchard where I grow my own fruit, and cattle, chickens, and pigs that I’ll raise myself for meat. I’ll be living hours away from any real towns or cities and just have a completely free life where I can do whatever I want and be totally self-sufficient. My wife will help me build our cabin, she’ll bear our children right in our cabin, and we will homeschool them and teach them to live off of the land.”

Girl: “Um, I will definitely not be having our children in a cabin! I will be having my children in a hospital.”

Boy: “Honey, we’ll probably be three or four hours away from any hospital. Maybe more if we choose Alaska.”

Girl: “I am not giving birth four hours away from any sort of medical care!”

Boy: “You won’t have a choice. I won’t be able to get you to a hospital! You’ll be fine, I promise! I’ll know how to deliver a baby because I’ll have to help our cows have their calves.”

Girl: “Yeah, I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Surprisingly enough, they were no longer a couple the next day. He was much more heartbroken about it than she was.

My Breasts, My Body, My Choice!

, , , , , | Romantic | November 11, 2022

I am a woman, and unfortunately, I am well-endowed in the chest area. By that, I mean that my breasts are disproportionately large to my body.

I have been struggling for some time with the complications that come with them. Constant back pain has been “normal” since my teenhood, and it soon started affecting my sciatic nerve. Medical care in the USA being what it is, I wasn’t able to get the option for breast reduction surgery until very recently. An appointment with a neurosurgeon finally switched the argument from “cosmetic and unnecessary” to “medically necessary” with my insurance.

The next problem came from, of all things, my boyfriend at the time.

Boyfriend: “Why are you talking about getting your breasts reduced? They’re fine.”

Me: “Unfortunately, they’re not, hun. They’re too big and too heavy for me.”

Boyfriend: “But they’re beautiful! Why are you being vain and trying to use a knife to change your appearance?”

Me: “Because it’s not about appearances; it’s affecting my health! Do you remember the doctor’s appointment I had the other day?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, what about it?”

Me: “I got that appointment because the pain got so bad I couldn’t function. The doctor is a neurologist. She said I now have spinal damage and that I need to get them reduced.”

Boyfriend: “Can’t you, like, wear a custom back brace or something?”

Me: *Coldly* “No.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t support you going under the knife to ruin your [rude word for breasts].”

That sparked one h*** of an argument, which ended with me saying:

Me: “If all you care about me for is my boobs, then you lose access to them, whether I get surgery or not! You’re a single man-child now!”

Then, I kicked him out and cried angry tears.

My surgery was a success, though the recovery was long due to complications with my back.

My ex-boyfriend went around all our social circles, saying:

Ex-Boyfriend: “I didn’t support it, and she did it anyway! I should have an equal say in our relationship, and she didn’t respect that!”

He expected everyone to have his back but got a nasty surprise when all of them clapped back, called him a d****e, and stopped hanging out with him. Luckily, I lost nearly 200 pounds, PLUS whatever weight I lost from the breast reduction, and I’m happy as can be.

Cause A Meltdown And Watch Your Whole Life Melt Down

, , , , , , , , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2022

My boyfriend of two years and I have recently moved in together. However, as rent in our area is not cheap, we both need to be working full-time. I am a math teacher at a private school, and my boyfriend has been unemployed and living with his parents since he graduated from college. Now that he’s living with me, I expect him to pitch in financially.

It’s a bit like pulling teeth at first, but soon, he starts applying and getting interviewed for jobs. He’s a pretty smart, easy-going dude who just needs to be pushed a bit to get out of his comfort zone. After a few weeks of job hunting, he receives an offer for an executive assistant position at a local law firm, which he accepts. It’s excellent pay for the honor of running errands, making copies, and getting the lawyers’ coffee. Plus, it’s good hours, so he still has lots of time to chill out at home.

My boyfriend has a sense of humor that is very hit or miss. He’s accidentally burned some pretty important bridges in his life, due to not always “reading the room.” I’ve been working with him a lot on that, and the night before his first day of work, I remind him not to get too chummy with his new coworkers and superiors and keep working on understanding social cues. Then, I pack him lunch because I love him and see him off the next morning with a kiss.

I head to work, which wraps up about two hours before he’s done, and drive home… only to find my boyfriend sitting on the couch, eating dry cereal. I ask him without hesitation what happened.

Boyfriend: “I got fired.”

Me: “What?! But you only just started!”

Boyfriend: “I know.”

I’m ready to raise h*** in defense of my boyfriend… that is until he tells me the whole story. It turns out that one of the lawyers’ sons works the front desk at the firm and also happens to be on the spectrum. [Lawyer’s Son] is good at his job, but his father warned my boyfriend about one thing.

Lawyer: “We have a no-dog policy because of [Lawyer’s Son]. That means that no clients bring dogs in, no photos of dogs, nothing. He’s deathly afraid of them. Even the sound of a dog barking can set him off. He’s had a bad history with dogs, so please be mindful.”

That’s not too bad of a restriction, I think. My chill, seemingly awesome boyfriend can handle these instructions, right? Wrong. Turns out, as he was leaving for his lunch break, he thought it would be hilarious to show [Lawyer’s Son] a video of a young puppy squealing for its food. It apparently caused such a meltdown that [Lawyer’s Son] needed to go home early, and my boyfriend was fired effective immediately by phone call as he was ordering his lunch.

As soon as he’s done regaling me with this shocking saga, he looks up at me as if expecting sympathy. Au contraire, mon ami. I am f****** LIVID.

Me: “So, let me see if I got this. You managed to land a job that pays you well, has flexible hours, and even provides you benefits. I tell you to remember to be respectful on your first day. And you promptly traumatize a f****** coworker mere hours after you start — whose dad you work for, mind you — and you think that’s gonna fly?!”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t think it was that serious!”

He had every excuse prepared for me — that the phobia couldn’t have been that bad, that the puppy in the video wasn’t threatening at all, that [Lawyer’s Son] was overreacting, etc. I didn’t buy any of it. He slept on the couch that night, and I deeply reconsidered the whole arrangement.

HE ultimately broke up with ME because I was “too harsh on him” and “acted too much like his mom” when he subsequently slacked off on any further job hunting.

Last I heard, he was living in a mobile home with some college buddies, making minimum wage. I wound up rooming with a woman whom I ended up marrying. I eventually stopped by the law firm to apologize for my now ex-boyfriend’s behavior. It turns out that [Lawyer’s Son] volunteers for a cat shelter — he has no problem with our feline friends — and my wife and I have adopted two cats from the same organization based on his referral. Livin’ the dream!


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At Least SOMEONE Had A Decent Time

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | September 5, 2022

My boyfriend and I are on vacation for a week, staying at a hotel on the beach.

Boyfriend: “What do you want to do today?”

Me: “We can go to the beach.”

Boyfriend: “It’s gonna be too hot out there.”

Me: “There’s [Amusement Park].”

Boyfriend: “Too expensive. And probably super crowded!”

Me: “The mall?”

Boyfriend: “We have a mall back home! I want to do something fun and different.”

Me: “Okay, there’s the aquarium, the zoo, or the nature reserve. We can go—”

Boyfriend: “No, they all sound stupid.”

Me: “Okay, well, you figure out what you want to do. I’m going to the lobby for breakfast.”

Boyfriend: “Can you bring me—”

I walk out, angry. When I get back upstairs, I find him sitting in bed watching racing.

Me: “This is what you want to do today?”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t offer up anything else, so yeah, I guess this is what I’m doing.”

Me: “I offered several things and you turned them all down.”

Boyfriend: “You offered stupid things.”

I walk out again and go to the beach by myself. We repeat variations of this song and dance every day that week until it is time to go home.

Boyfriend: “What a boring vacation. We could have done the same thing at home and not paid for the hotel.”

Me: “Yes, we could have. “

Boyfriend: “Why didn’t we go anywhere fun? I swear, we just stayed in the hotel room all week.”

Me: “You did. I went to the beach and the zoo and shopping.”

Boyfriend: “So, basically, you spent a bunch of money and left me alone.”

Me: “Yup. Best vacation ever.”

We broke up when we got home. I’m pretty sure he still blames me for having such a boring vacation.

Uh… Is She Okay?

, , , , , | Romantic | September 3, 2022

My brother broke up with his girlfriend when she wanted to get married after three months of dating but he did not. A few weeks after, she sent me a message via social media.

Ex-Girlfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. Do you have a minute?”

Me: “What’s up?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I want to be honest with you.”

Me: “Okay…”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I have decided to break up with your brother. It’s a difficult decision, but we are not in the same place in our lives, and I need someone who is more mature.”

Me: “[Brother] broke up with you weeks ago. Are you okay?”

Ex-Girlfriend: “I care about him a lot and I know you’re very close. Because of this, I do not think you and I should be in contact anymore, either.”

Me: “Okay, then. Best of luck to you.”

She unfriended me, as well as my whole family. I asked my brother if they had reunited or something, but he said he hadn’t talked to her since he dumped her. I still have no idea what she thought she was doing by telling me she was dumping him.