(My fifth-grade class is at a lake, to learn to canoe.)

Student: “Oh, my god, I don’t want to go in ’cause there’s piranhas and sharks in there!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Student: “I just know it’s full of sharks and piranhas!”

Me: *now sarcastic* “Oh, no! Not the Wisconsin POND SHARKS!”

Student: “I know, right?!”

Chaperone: “Calm down. There are no sharks or piranhas in this lake.”

(Immediately, the tornado sirens are tested.)

Student: “See?! I knew it!”

(Throughout the rest of the hour, the student was screaming and bumping into things with their canoe.)

(We are eleven. We are standing, whispering and giggling, in the town square of Chester on our very first field trip ever in this new big school. We are excited, and nervous, to say the least. Our teacher, whose name no-one can spell, presides over us, tall, looming, scary and white-bearded.)

Teacher: *shouting* “Get out your phones!”

(We obey.)

Teacher:  “Add this number to your contact list.” *provides number*

(We obey.)

Teacher:  “Now put my name in. Wait! Many people spell my name wrong. Listen carefully. G… O…”

Student: “Yes?”

Teacher:  “D. That is all.”

(Our group of 20+ students is meeting on our second-to-last day, to plan our gifts to the trip leaders and our Power Point back on main campus. We were already getting silly before the assistant trip leader, a very quiet, serious guy, walks in.)

Assistant Leader: “Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. [Trip Leader] wants me to get the orders for our dinner out tonight.” *lists entree options, takes show of hands* “Okay, that was all. Carry on.”

Half The Group: *singing* “My wayward son…”

Assistant Leader: *stops on his way out, looking puzzled*

(My environmental science teacher has let a group of 40 or so students on a field trip to an alligator park. However, this has a whole bunch of different varieties of animals, ranging from snakes to deer and horses to turtles. They also have a bird called the emu. The park is also set up to where you can feed the animals. One student was very excited about this so he rushes to where a few of us and the teacher are standing.)

Student: “Teacher! Teacher! I just fed the emo!”

Teacher: “You mean the emu?”

Student: “Yeah, that!”

(I am taking a zoology class from a local college, consisting of five young ladies, out for a hike. They are to find examples of mammals, amphibians, insects, etc. and to identify habitats. Halfway into the hike I notice movement on the other side of the creek. It is a man and it looks as if he might be relieving himself in the woods.)

Me: “Uh… ladies, look over here!” *points out a section in the opposite direction* “This area that holds small animals such as skunks and foxes!”

(As we walk further, I notice this man stepping off the trail and into some brush. I watch carefully and realize with a start that he has undressed!)

Me: *stopping the group* “Change of plans, ladies. We are going to walk back the way we came.”

Student: “Why?”

Me: “Well, there seems to be, um, someone across the creek on our path who, um, I really don’t feel comfortable passing.”

(The girls all look over. He is pretty well tucked into the brush but as he moves around one girl catches a glimpse.)

Student: “Can we put him down as a mammal, then?”