Not A Skinny Woman

| CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

(I’m looking around in a renaissance festival shop that specializes in real animal furs. A woman in a rockin’ outfit walks up to the employee that’s helping me right now.)

Woman: “Excuse me!”

Employee: “Yes?”

Woman: “Your store is a sick madman’s shop! I don’t understand what the h*** is wrong with you! These poor animals all died for this?! You’re a monster!”

(She storms off angrily, flipping off the shop owner.)

Me: “Should I tell her that leather’s made from cows?”

(That rockin’ outfit was made of full leather!)


An Act Of Togetherness

| SC, USC | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

(I work at an arts festival over the summer.)

Me: “[Festival], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking at your website and I’m trying to get tickets.”

Me: “Okay, I can help with that! What event are you looking at?”

(He names an event that I’m certain is part of a sister/fringe festival that runs concurrently, because it’s definitely not one of ours.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. That’s probably a [Fringe] event, not—”

Customer: *immediately and violently explodes* “NO! NO! NO! NO! God-d*** it! You f****** idiot! I’ve already TALKED to them and they said it’s NOT one of theirs and I’m sick and tired of being TREATED this way!” *he continues berating me as I hold the receiver in shock*

Me: *finally regaining composure* “I’m so sorry, sir. Is there anything I can do? I’ve got their booklet here and can try to look it up, so—”

Customer: “I’m SICK of you! You need to get your f****** ACT together!” *click*

(Another employee, having overhead part of the exchange, looks over at me as I woodenly hang up the phone.)

Employee: “Yikes, what was that about?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure, but I guess I need to get my f****** act together.”

(As it turned out, the event was neither ours nor the fringe festival’s, but a completely unrelated event. I’m sure he felt like he was getting the run-around, but he could have easily checked the local paper to verify. As for getting my act together, at the end of the festival, I was presented with a superlative: “Most likely to have his act together.”)


I’ll Drink Outside To That!

| CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Popular

(I’m at the renaissance festival with my wife and her friend. I have just purchased a cup of ale and the two ladies want to go into a costume shop to see what is for sale. They have a sign, not only on the pillar, but also on a table outside the shop which reads “Please leave your food and beverages here or outside while shopping!” I stop before going in and my wife calls out to me.)

Wife: “Something wrong?”

Me: “Not at all. I’m going to wait outside. They don’t want me coming in with a drink, cuteness.”

(All of a sudden, three women, all in costume come RUNNING out of nowhere from inside the shop and stop in front of me.)

Me: “Uh…”


(My wife, her friend, and I start cracking up as they clap.)

Me: “Well, the sign is pretty big and specific.”

Lady #1: “Oh, you wouldn’t believe how many people miss that.”

Lady #2: “Yesterday we had a man come in with orange juice. A kid ran by, smacked his elbow, and he ended up buying a $3,500 costume!”

(I blink, not realizing things in the shop were so expensive.)

Me: “Well… as much as I do want to get my wife a costume, I’d rather get one she wants!”

Lady #3: “And in the right size… and the right color…”

Me: “And not $3,500! No offense!”

Popped Her Ballooning Fantasy

, | NY, USA | Family & Kids, Money

(My sister and I are doing balloons at a local festival. We are selling the balloons for one to two  dollars – pretty cheap compared to most other balloon artists when charging per balloon. Because it’s rainy, we haven’t had many customers. A woman and her daughter walk up to my sister when we have no line.)

My Sister: “Hi! Would you like a balloon?”

Woman: “Yes, she’d like— Oh! It costs money?”

My Sister: “Yes, it does.”

Woman: “Oh… sorry, sweetie, we can’t have any.”

(At hearing this, the daughter bursts out crying. The woman tries to console her.)

Woman: “It’s okay; we’ll go do something else.”

(Instead of going to do something else, the woman hangs around my sister, glancing at her hopefully now and then, obviously hoping she will get a free one. My lovely sister, who’s very stubborn, is not budging. Eventually, the woman’s hopeful glances turn into full out glares, as the child continues to cry and make a scene. Finally, as another man walks up:)

Woman: “All right, well, let’s leave- Oh! Sir, is there any possible way you could give me a dollar?”

Caller: “Oh… uh, yeah, I guess.”

(He handed her the dollar, and so the woman got her suddenly all-smiles daughter a balloon. After my sister handed it to her, she, of course, didn’t even say thank you.)

Won’t Get To Hear The High Notes

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Wild & Unruly

(I work event security for part time work. Usually it’s pretty mellow, and I just tell people they can’t bring in outside food and beverages. This event is a huge dub-step concert, and it is widely known that most people will try to sneak ‘stuff’ (like drugs) in by the strangest ways. There are a few giveaways when we think someone is trying to sneak stuff in. I notice a tall, skinny guy in his early 20s walking a bit off and see that his eyes are bloodshot.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How are you doing today?”

Guest: “Uh, I’m fine…”

(The guest pauses and starts walking away with a worried look on his face.)

Me: “Hold on one second. I noticed you were walking a bit off. Are you doing all right?”

Guest: “Oh, yeah, haha. I’m okay, I guess. It’s just hot, and uh, yeah.” *continues to try to walk away*

Me: “Just out of curiosity, you wouldn’t happen to be trying to hide any contraband to bring inside the venue, would you?”

Guest: “Pft! F*** no. F*** that s***. F*** you for assuming that. Is it because I’m white?”

Me: “Sir, I’m white, too… Since you don’t have anything on you, you wouldn’t mind if one of our K-9 units sniffed you, right?”

Guest: *still looking worried* “I don’t have to f****** do that! F*** you, lady!”

Me: “And I don’t have to let you in. Here’s what I’m going to do. Whatever it is you have on you, give it up now, all of it, and I’ll let you go into the venue with no consequences. If you do not give it up right now, I can have you arrested for possession. This is your only free pass. Take it or leave it. Which will it be?”

(I see him contemplating this, which is just another give-away.)

Guest: “I don’t have nothin’ on me, b****, so take that.”

(At this point I have him step off to the side while an officer with a K-9 unit comes over.)

Me: “Last chance for a free pass, man. All you have to do is surrender whatever it is you are hiding, and I’ll let you go in and have fun. You paid a lot of money to come here. Is it worth not going in just to hold onto some stuff?”

Guest: “F*** you, b****. I don’t have nothin’ on me. I just want to go inside and have fun.”

Me: *sigh*

(Almost as soon as the K-9 gets near us, he makes his motions and sounds indicating he is picking something up.)

Officer: “Sir, what do you have on you?”

Guest: “F*** off, a**hole. I just want to go inside.”

Officer: “I know you have something. Do you want me to find it the easy way or the hard way?”

Me: *puts on latex gloves, dramatically snapping the wrist as if I’m ready for a cavity search*

Guest: “Oh, you mean like drugs? Yeah, I forgot I lent these shorts to a friend, and he, uh, must have left some stuff in the pockets without me remembering. I don’t do that s***.”

(The officer and I look at each other, rolling our eyes and trying not to laugh.)

Officer: “Sir, can you empty your pockets, please?”

(The guest reaches into the back of his shorts, pulls a small baggie from his rectum containing packaged heroin, Molly, Ecstasy, and cocaine, throws it at me, and tries to walk away. The officer and I stop him.)


Me: “Yes, and you denied that you had anything. I let you know that if you didn’t give it up, you would be arrested for possession.”

Guest: “I JUST GAVE IT UP, B****!”

Me: “After your free pass expired…”

(He continued to curse at me while the officer and I walked him over to the security tent to get booked. We let him know he would not be arrested, but that he was no longer allowed to enter the venue, that his ticket would be confiscated, that he would be walked off the property, and that if he was found back on the property he WOULD be arrested for trespassing. I walked him off the property as he continually mumbled that I was a ‘f****** b****.’ Since I’m a female, the officer trailed behind to make sure I didn’t have any more problems. I started to walk back in when the guest runs up behind me, and punches me square across the face. Only seconds later, the dog was on him. All I got was a bruise on my cheek and a laugh about his stupidity. He got arrested for trespassing, assaulting me, and for the smorgasbord of drugs that were currently in his system.)

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