Content Warning: Gross Content

A truly awful woman and her two mischievous children have just ordered some meals. She has been verbally abusive, entitled, impossible to please, and generally just everything that’s wrong with society wrapped in a clichéd soccer mom skin.

Her kids have been playing around outside after barely touching their meals, while she is on the phone. They come back in and up to the counter, giggling while disgorging the contents of their hands onto my counter: about half a dozen writhing caterpillars.

They are obviously expecting to get some kind of reaction out of me, but I am not going to give them the pleasure.

Me: “Oh, lovely! More meat for our burgers!”

The boys looked disappointed for a moment, but then they got another evil glint in their eyes. They ran back over to their mom, who was still enthralled with her phone call, and started playing with the food. Specifically, her food.

The mom eventually enjoyed her burger while the boys just watched with glee.

As did I.

I’m working in the drive-thru. I take an order and the car pulls to the window to pay. I do my usual spiel and the driver goes to pass me a folded-up bill.

I reach out, but just as I’m about to grab it, I realize that it’s a $100 bill which we don’t accept.

Me: *Pulling my hand back* “Oh, I’m sorry, but we don’t—”

The customer, thinking I was holding the bill, lets go, sending it off in the wind.

I have never moved so fast in my life. I practically vault the counter and go Juggernaut through the front door to chase after the money. Thankfully, it doesn’t get far. Thoroughly out of breath, I run inside and hand it back to the customer.

Me: *Panting* “I’m sorry… We… don’t take $100… bills… Do you… have… another way… to pay?”

I decide to order some fast food online, and I walk down the street to pick it up at 7:00 pm on a weekend. When I arrive, the seating area is locked. I knock on the door but the employee inside ignores me. I try calling, but they don’t pick up, so I decide to try the drive-thru window.

Me: “Hi, there. I ordered for pick-up but your doors are locked?”

Employee: “Yeah, we’re short-staffed.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, can I get my food?”

Employee: “Sorry, but the drive-thru is for cars only.”

A car has pulled up behind me for the drive-thru.

Me: “Okay, so you’ll unlock the door so I can come inside and pick up the food there?

Employee: “No, we’re understaffed and can’t open the doors for customers.”

Me: “Then how am I going to get my food?”

Employee: “You can get your car and come through the drive-thru?”

Me: “I don’t have my car right now. I walked over here.”

Employee: “Oh, well, I can’t let you get your food through the drive-thru without a car.”

A second car has now pulled up.

Me: “Then how am I supposed to get the food I already paid for?”

Employee: “I don’t know.”

At this point, a third car has gotten in line, plus another person with a bicycle has walked up to the drive-thru where I am.

Person: “Hey, I’m here for a pick-up order but the doors are locked.”

Employee: “Yeah, I’ve already explained to this person—” *gestures to me* “—that you have to use the drive-thru.”

Person: “But I don’t have a car. Your sign says you’re open for pick-up and I’m here for pick-up. Now give me my food.”

The employee asks us to wait a minute and shuts the window. He returns a minute later.

Employee: “So, we can’t give food out to people walking up to the drive-thru window without a car, but you’re holding up the line, so we’ll do it this one time. Next time, you need to use a car for the drive-thru.”

I got my food and left. I sent a customer service survey about my experience but nothing came of it.

I understand it’s a safety issue not to have people walking up to the drive-thru window, but they really should have a plan in place for situations like that.

For reasons I can’t understand, my coworker seems to get all the “Do you know who I am?” customers. She and I are good friends and often end up on the same shifts, which has given me the opportunity to hear all of the clever retorts she’s come up with over the years:

A customer cuts the line and demands to be served first.

Customer #1: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “An impatient would-be customer who can’t wait in line like a normal person.”

Another customer is upset that their massive order isn’t ready after ten seconds.

Customer #2: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Apparently, someone who can cook a good quantity of meat in less than a minute. We could use someone like you in the kitchen!”

Another customer is appalled at having to fill her own fountain drink.

Customer #3: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “If you can’t fill your own drinks, then I don’t want to.”

This customer was just told that our milkshake machine isn’t working.

Customer #4: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Someone who blames the girl at the register for the fault of the mechanics.”

This customer has just had his card declined and was told to pay with a different method.

Customer #5: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “You know, I thought I did, but if you can’t pay for your own meal, I’m thinking I was wrong.”

Another customer is trying to order from our lunch menu during breakfast hours and is showing signs of intoxication.

Customer #6: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Do you know what time it is?”

This customer is offended after trying to flirt and being told to stop.

Customer #7: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “One of a million guys who think they’re irresistible to women and are wrong.”

This customer refused to put their mask on when told.

Customer #8: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “No, but I’ll be able to see it on your grave when you die of [health crisis].”

This customer is accosting [Coworker] after we’ve clocked out and have refused to serve her.

Customer #9: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “I’m off the clock, b****. I don’t have to.”

And of course, her cover-all for when she’s too tired to come up with something clever and situation-specific…

Customer: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “An entitled customer.”

She’s gotten told off sometimes when her supervisor notices her snarking, but it’s always with a laugh.

I was working the front register.

A woman came inside with no mask on (no longer required at my job), stood back from the register to put it on, stepped forward to place her order, and pulled her mask below her chin the entire time she spoke.

I will never understand her thought process.