(This happened every time I went to a sub place when I was younger. The menu clearly displays the ingredients for the items, both with a picture and with the names of the ingredients.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to get Italian sub, please. Everything that normally comes on it, except for onions, please.”

Employee: “Okay, sure.” *begins making sub*

Employee: “What kind of meat?”

Me: “Whatever normally comes on it.”

Employee: “I know, but what kind?”

Me: *annoyed that they don’t know, I look up at the menu* “Pepperoni and salami, it seems.”

Employee: “And what kind of cheese?”

Me: “What it says on the menu. Just like that without onions.”

Employee: “Can’t you just tell me what kind you want? So I know I’ll get it right.”

Me: *knowing they aren’t going to be any help, I read them the rest of the ingredients from the menu* “Mozzarella. And after that, lettuce, black olives, and tomato.”

Employee: “Okay, and what vegetables do you want on it?”

Me: *face-palm*

(It is my very first job at a very popular fast food restaurant. After a couple months of working there, one month before the schedules come out I request a day off for an event. When the schedule does get out, what do I see? That I’m scheduled that very same day, of course. I call my manager to remind her that I wanted the day off. She agrees, so I think nothing of it until that very day. My manager calls home but I’m away because of said event. My mom answers.)

Manager: “Where the h*** is [My Name]?! He was supposed to check in today!”

Mom: “Hmm, I’m pretty sure he did call you very early to say he wouldn’t come in today.”

Manager: *now screaming on the phone* “NO, HE DID NOT! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M PUTTING UP WITH HIM! IT MUST BE, LIKE, THE THIRD TIME HE DIDN’T COME IN AND GAVE NO WARNING!”

Mom: *now outraged when she’s usually the sweetest angel* “HOLD ON! Now, I know this isn’t true at all! [My Name] has always been very responsible about his job; I am now convinced he called you beforehand to tell you he would not be there. ALSO, I drive him to work every single time so I would know if he didn’t go!”

Manager: *now embarrassed* “Oh, um… I must have thought of someone different with the same name as [My Name].”

Mom: “Of course you have!”

Manager: “Oh, um… it will be fine for this time…” *hangs up*

(The funny thing is this manager was known around town to hire way too many people to get some random bonuses. She tried to have over one hundred employees for one fast food restaurant, resulting in her not knowing each employee personally. I have seen her a total of two times the whole time I was there. I didn’t stay long after that incident.)

(I’m a customer in this story. I walk into the restaurant, a semi-fast food Middle Eastern place. There’s another man, shorter and maybe in his mid-50s, ordering. The single employee is making him a salad. Also note that it’s two-for-five-dollar falafel wrap day.)

Man: “Y’know what? I’ve decided that I’ll have a falafel wrap instead.”

(The employee is already halfway through making him a salad.)

Employee: *reluctantly scraps salad and starts making a wrap*

Man: “I want chickpeas on it, and — wait, where are those chickpeas grown?”

Employee: “Well, we’re sourced by other companies. I’m not entirely sure where the individual ingredients come from.”

Man: “Hmm, okay. What about that lettuce? There’s a bit of discoloration in that! How do I know that’s safe? I won’t pay full price for lettuce of that quality!”

(This all goes on for about fifteen minutes, asking detailed and accusing questions about each and every ingredient. After he finally finishes…)

Man: “And I also want red onions.”

Employee: “Um, sir, we don’t sell red onions.”

Man: “Sure you do! I saw them at your other location just last week!”

Employee: “Are you sure they were real?” *gestures towards the decorative basket of plastic veggies on the counter*

Man: “Yes, I’m sure! I saw them at your other location just last week! Give me my onions!”

(This goes back and forth a few more times. Finally, the man gives in.)

Employee: “And your total is $5.65.”

Man: “What?! That is way too much! Your sign says right up there that falafel wraps are half price on Tuesdays!”

Employee: “No, what that means is that you can get two for the price of one today. You could get another for free though.”

Man: “It’s all the same anyway! You get the ingredients dirt cheap. So just—”

(And then, instant karma strikes! The man quickly looked over to the other side of the street where his car was getting a ticket. Of course this guy wouldn’t even pay for parking!)

Man: “S***!

(He runs across the busy road to try to stop the ticket, almost getting hit by a car in the process, but ultimately failing to reach the officer in time. While he’s out there complaining to the officer, the employee and I both just start to laugh at this guy.)

Employee: “You know what? The thing is that normally people are in here for two or three minutes, so even if they don’t pay for parking, they don’t usually get caught. If they’re about to, I’ll warn them. But not this guy. That officer was there for a good thirty seconds before he noticed her.”

(The ending to all of this? The man didn’t even come back to get his wrap! So instead of an extra $2.50, he had to cough up anywhere between $30 and $300!)

(A heavily pregnant woman comes to the counter. She begins her order, but pauses to clutch her stomach while groaning. It is a Friday afternoon.)

Me: “Are you all right?”

Customer: “Yep, just having a contraction!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: *resumes ordering, pauses to groan* “I have a pre-admission on Tuesday. She’d better wait til then!”

Me: “I don’t think your baby is gonna wait!”

Customer: “Oh, she will. It always takes forever. I have three other kids and they all took a few days.”

Me: *puts order together and hands it to her* “Well, good luck!”

Customer: *groans, clutches stomach* “Tuesday’s the day!”

Coworker: *after customer has left* “I bet we’ll see her on the news tonight having a baby in the car-park.”

(I work the graveyard shift and have to clean the whole store while still taking orders. We are trained to not sell at the window for safety reasons, since the area isn’t the safest place you can be.)

Man: *knocks on the window*

Me: *cracks it open a bit* “I’m sorry, sir, but I am not allowed to sell at the window.”

Man: “Why not? I’m a paying customer. I should be able to get my food!”

Me: “Sir, the drive-thru is for cars only. These are corporate policies…”

Man: “So you’re saying I can’t buy anything here right now since I don’t have a car?”

Me: “Yes, that’s exactly what I am saying.”

Man: “But I’m hungry.”

Me: “Sir, I told you I can’t sell at the window. I have stuff I still need to clean: my dining room, my fryers, my shake machine, bathrooms, and drive-thru, just to name a few. A few tacos to get written up seems hardly worth it; my boss has video cameras watching everything that goes on in case a customer causes a disturbance or if an employee tries to steal food or money.”

(I point to a camera which my boss has there just to deter people; it doesn’t actually work. I use this so I have an excuse to get back to cleaning.)

Man: “So you’re saying you just don’t give a f***, then?”

Me: “Well, I guess if you want to put it that way, then yes, sir, you’re describing that on point.”

Man: “Homie, I should just beat your a** right now.”

(I look at him with a straight face, then yell “HAHAHA” and close the window and put the metal napkin holders in front of it so he can’t open it, since it has no lock. I walk away, and as I’m walking away I hear him hit the window. My headset then dings indicating a car is coming to order.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Establishment]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: *sounds like he’s yelling from really far away* “Uh, yeah, you know your speaker is on the ground out here, right?”

Me: “W… what?”

(I told the guy to come up to the window so I could place his order because we could barely hear each other. I went outside and propped the speaker up against the menu board, with plenty of cursing to accompany it.)