(I’m ordering lunch in a greasy take-away, but as I don’t like fizzy drinks I usually order a bottle of water with the meal deal instead of the cup of fizzy drink.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like the two-piece chicken meal with a bottle of water, please.”

Cashier: “We don’t serve bottles with the meal deal, only the cups.”

Me: *thinking they might now have a water dispenser, or are serving tap water* “Oh, okay. I’ll have a cup of water, then?”

Cashier: *proceeds to start filling a cup with [Soda #1] from the machine*

Me: “Uh, no. Not [Soda #1], water.”

Cashier: “We don’t do water, only [Soda #1].”

Me: “What? Yes, you do! You’ve got bottles of water in there!” *points to the fridge where the water bottles are plainly visible*

Cashier: *takes out a bottle of [Soda #1]* “No, see? It’s [Soda #1].”

Me: *pointing and getting exasperated* “NO, the WATER is THERE, above it!”

Cashier: “But… water is [Soda #2]?”

Me: *dumbfounded staring*

Cashier: *realisation hits* “OH! You want WATER!” *gets me a bottle of water*

(I have no idea what the confusion was about, as we both pronounced water the same way. I can only assume he was having a long day and isn’t used to people ordering water with their greasy food.)

(Coworker #1 and I are very good friends. Our way of showing our love for each other tends to be very sarcastic, and playfully “violent,” in manner. Usually we work the morning shift together, and our other coworkers have long since gotten used to our behavior. This particular day, however, I have worked the lunch shift and Coworker #1 is working dinner, so our paths are crossing at three pm among coworkers who have never worked with both of us together.)

Coworker #1: “[My Name]! I haven’t seen you in forever!” *steps on my toes* “Why did you abandon me?”

Me: *extricates my foot and lightly kicks her ankle* “Uh uh. You abandoned me. And I was glad, anyway. I didn’t want to see you.”

Coworker #1: “Well, fine. I’d have ended up having to pick up all your slack, loser. At least now I can work in peace.”

Me: “Ugh. You’re so annoying. I hate you.”

Coworker #1: “Well, I hate you, too. So there.” *smacks me lightly on the arm and turns to put her purse in the lockers*

(We both turn around to find all coworkers in earshot staring at us in shock. I think the only reason they believed our explanation was that they all knew either one or both of us separately, so they knew we weren’t mean people!)

(I work as a shift leader at a well known fast food restaurant. As part of my duties, whenever a customer calls with a complaint or question, I do my absolute best to try and resolve it. Sometimes though, that can mean going to surprising lengths.)

Me: “[Restaurant], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. Would you go check your play area?”

Me: “Sure! Do you mind my asking what I’m looking for?”

Caller: “I think I left a… parcel in there, wrapped up in a napkin.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Did you say a ‘parcel’?”

Caller: “Yes!”

(Even though our customers are generally better than most, we still have the occasional drug addict or homeless person wander in. At the word “parcel,” my mind immediately suggests either heroin or marijuana.)

Me: “All right, ma’am. One moment, please.”

(I take a quick look through our kids area, but the “parcel” wrapped in napkins is nowhere to be found.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t see anything.”

Caller: *sighs* “Well, would you look through the trash, then? I wouldn’t normally bother, but these were very expensive!”

(She still hasn’t told me what I’m looking for yet. Hoping to give her a quick “no”, I start rifling through our very full trash can. I’m about to give her the news when my eye spots a wadded up napkin. I grab it, carefully unwrap it, and lo and behold, it’s a pair of shiny new dentures!)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I think I’ve found it. Is it… um, is it teeth?”

Caller: “YES! Oh, fantastic! I’ll be right over!”

(After vigorously washing my hands, I re-wrap the “teeth” and stash it behind the counter. A tall, weathered looking gentleman walks through the door.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Man: “Actually, I’m…. I hate to say this, but I’m here for the teeth…”

(I smiled, wordlessly picked up the “parcel,” and handed it to him. He left with a skip in his step, and I never saw him again!)

(I overheard this conversation between a couple as I am filling my drink at a fast food restaurant. The guy’s friend has recommended he try root beer mixed with sweet tea.)

Guy: “That was awful.”

Girl: “Why did you even try it?”

Guy: “I don’t know. I’m a film major. I don’t make good life decisions.”

Girl: “Well, I’m dating you, so I guess neither of us makes good life choices.”

(I work at a drive-in fast food joint as a cook. The store manager is relatively new. While working the prep station, I notice that someone has carved a large swastika into the cutting board.)

Me: “[Manager], I thought I’d bring this to your attention. It looks like someone has carved a swastika into the cutting board.”

Manager: *indignantly* “Okay… What do you expect me to do about it?”

Me: “Just a thought, maybe we could just have it flipped over, so that it isn’t visible.”

Manager: *dismissively smirks and returns to his paperwork*

(For a month, I take it upon myself to flip it over every time I work. Two days before the regional manager comes in, I noticed someone had carved multiple swastikas on BOTH sides of the cutting board.)

Me: “[Manager], I’m not sure if you had noticed, but someone has carved swastikas on both sides of the cutting board.”

Manager: “Well, I guess you’ll have to deal with seeing it.”

(The next day, I show the regional manager. Though I had the opportunity to throw the store manager under the bus, I choose not to let him know that I had told him about it.)

Regional Manager: *seeing the obviously intentional carvings* “Wow! Yeah, we’ll take care of that as soon as possible.”

(Two days later I come into work and notice a clean, new, cutting board. I also noticed that my hours are cut in half, and am assigned every crap closing duty on the days I work. Biting my tongue, I continue working, un-phased by the turn of events. One night, I pass by the store manager and another employee in their smoke break, while taking out crushed boxes.)

Manager: “[My Name], would you have gotten offended if you saw the word ‘n*****’ written in our bathroom wall?”

Me: “Yes.”

Manager: “Why? You’re not black.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. It’s an offensive word. Not to mention customers also use that restroom, and it’s just all around unprofessional.”

Manager: “Well, you’re not Jewish, are ya?” *now referring to the swastika*

Me: “I have Jewish background.”

Manager: “Well, you’re not German, are ya?”

Me: “Yes… I have German background, too.”

(The next day, I submitted my two-week notice. In an ironic twist, I found out that he was fired two months later. Apparently, he and another employee, who he told us was his “brother,” were caught making out in his car, in front of the store, by the regional manager.)