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Only Half Sober

| England, UK | Money

(I am working as a cashier at a famous fast food restaurant. We have a special breakfast menu which is served from 5 am to 10:30 am exclusively and the main menu is outside of those times. A VERY drunk woman staggers in at 7 am.)

Drunk Woman: *slurred mumbling* “A burger, please.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid we don’t have any burgers at the moment. We’re only serving breakfast right now.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh. I’ll have some fries then.”

Me: “Sorry, we do not serve fries at breakfast.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh… what can I have that’s like a burger?”

Me: “The closest I can suggest is a sausage muffin without the egg.”

Drunk Woman: “Fine, then, I’ll have two of them. And a bottle of water.”

Me: *thinking: yes, you need that water to sober up!* “Okay, that’s [total], please!”

Drunk Woman: *hands me HALF of a ten-pound note; it looks like it’s been literally ripped in half*

Me: “Um, this is half of a note.”

Drunk Woman: “Does it matter?”

Me: “Um, yes. Yes, it does.”

Drunk Woman: “Oh, okay, then.”

(She took her half of the ten pound note and staggered out, whilst we all watched, confused. Finally my colleague turned to me.

Colleague: “What’s betting that she thought half a tenner is worth a fiver?”

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Don’t Sweats It

, | Louisville, KY, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

(I work part-time for now and have several days in a row with no work. One day I pre-order a pizza from a chain that assembles your pizza to order a la Chipotle and then roll out of bed in my sweats to go pick it up. It’s busy; there are several people behind me ordering in person. I get to the cashier)

Me: “Online order for [My Name].”

Cashier: “Okay, please sign the receipt; here is your cup for your fountain drink.”

(I wander off to fill my cup, then sit at a table to wait for my pizza. After about ten minutes I get a little curious as it usually only takes five-seven for my pizza to be ready. I look up from my phone and see that the oven is empty. A manager sees me looking and calls over.)

Manager: “Did you order and pay?”

Me: “Yeah…”

(Cashier looks behind her and sees my pizza still waiting to be put in the oven.)

Cashier: “Oh, shoot!”

(I look back down at my phone to keep reading my book, but then the manager is at my table handing me a card for a free pizza. I try to say no, but he insists so I accept and go back to my book again. I get my pizza, I eat in store, and as I’m leaving I see the cashier now wiping down tables.)

Cashier: “Sorry again about your wait!”

Me: “Girl, you just saw me eat a whole pizza in the middle of the afternoon wearing the sweats I slept in last night. I don’t have anywhere else to be. Don’t worry.”

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Common Sense Has Exited The Building

, | Charleston, WV, USA | Extra Stupid, Non-Dialogue

While on my break, I observe a customer walking toward a back door that is an exit-only from the lobby.

It should be noted this door has a stop sign on it and clearly reads “EXIT ONLY” in large, white letters.

As you probably suspect, the customer attempts to enter the lobby using this door. The door, of course, does not open. The customer looks slightly confused as they try again. Naturally the door still does not open. I’m watching closely now because the customer has now tried twice to enter this door. I see the customer scan the door and mouth the words “Exit Only” as he reads the sign before trying again.

At this point the customer tries harder to open the door as though it may be stuck, with no success. The customer starts to walk toward the main doors, gets a few steps away, then rushes back to the door and quickly tries again as though they were trying to sneak up on the door. Finally the customer goes to the front of the restaurant and enters the main doors.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, as I had laughed through the whole things, and went back to work.

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A Different Kind Of Bean-Counter

, | USA | Food & Drink

(I work at a fast food restaurant chain that was involved in a scandal involving their pinto beans back in 2011, when they revealed they weren’t vegan. Since 2013, though, they’ve been completely vegan. So, that’s three years that our beans have been vegan. The pinto beans are in front of the black beans (which have always been vegan), so while we try our best to avoid it, sometimes a few beans or the juice from the pinto beans will fall into the black beans. Nine times out of  ten, no one, even the vegans who ask us to change our gloves to serve them, care. But this one customer…)

Girl: “Do you have fresh black beans? I can’t have the ones behind the pinto beans.”

Me: “Uh, sure, I think they just put some in the back.” *I glance back, and there are beans, but they’re nowhere near needing to be changed* “Do you have an allergy?”

Girl: *pause* “Yeah.”

Me: *gets her fresh beans, passes her order down the line, goes about my day without thinking about it, though she does give me the stink eye*

(A few weeks pass without any incident, until she comes back and does the same thing, asking for fresh beans. This time, we don’t have any readily available, so we have to hold up the line waiting for the grill to make her fresh beans. She takes this opportunity to give me “suggestions” on something I have no control over.)

Girl: “You really should keep the black beans behind the pinto beans so people who can’t have pinto beans can still have the black beans.”

Me: “Um, well, we’ve never had anyone else say they were allergic to the pinto beans, so I suppose there’s an equal likelihood that this could happen the other way around for someone allergic to the black beans…”

(I serve her new beans as I try to piece together her logic for saying this. We get people with common allergies like gluten all the time, but never someone allergic to pinto beans.)

Girl: “Well, I’m not allergic, but I’m vegan, so I can’t have the pinto beans.”

Me: *pause* “Our pinto beans are completely vegan.”

Girl: “No, I know they aren’t. I know you guys use meat in your pinto beans.”

(By this point, I’m totally taken aback by this girl. Not only did she lie about having an allergy, which is something our restaurant takes extremely seriously, she’s now claiming we’re lying about what’s in our beans, or we just don’t know. She continues down the line, and gets to cash, asking for a manager. She gives him the same spiel she gave me about putting our pinto beans behind our black beans.)

Manager: “That’s set by corporate. There’s really nothing we can do about that, but our pinto beans are vegan.”

(The girl continues to insist that they aren’t, so I chime in again.)

Me: “We can show you the recipe cards if you want, so you can see exactly what’s in them.”

Girl: “Fine.”

(My manager goes off to get the recipe cards, which takes a while, and the girl goes to sit and eat her meal. He comes back, and I point out where she’s sitting. I watch the exchange, and she brushes him off in less than a minute.)

Me: “What happened?”

Manager: “She insisted she didn’t want to see them.”

Me: “What? So not only does she not believe us when we say they’re vegan, she’s going to go on insisting they have meat and keep demanding fresh beans?”

(My manager shrugged, I rolled my eyes, continuing to be baffled by the contradictory stupidity of humanity, and continued to serve customers. She stayed away for more time than I’d seen her away before, but when she came back, she ordered black beans with no noticeable commotion. Maybe she just didn’t want to be proved wrong.)

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Fire Doesn’t Work

| Fort Worth, TX, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Holidays

(It is the 4th of July and we close at 10 pm. A regular couple has been sitting in the lobby eating for 30 minutes after close. All the employees have been listening to the fireworks explode right over our heads, as the show is just down the block.)

Customers: *gets up to leave, sees a firework* “Oh, is that what those sounds are?”

Me: “…”

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