Wants a D’oh!-Nut

| Australia | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

Customer: “What’s that doughnut?”

Me: “It’s a traditional cinnamon doughnut.”

Customer: “Is that the kind Homer Simpson likes? I want a Homer Simpson doughnut.”

Me: “I think he likes all types of doughnuts.”

Customer: *points to another doughnut* “What about that one? Does Homer Simpson like that kind?”

Me: “I guess so?”

Customer: *spying the strawberry iced doughnut* “That one! That’s the kind Homer Simpson likes! I want that one!”

Time To Call It A Night…

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Time

(We are a 24-hour fast-food place and have a special menu from midnight to four am that is displayed both inside and beside the speaker box outside.)

Customer: “What time does your midnight to four am menu start?”

Me: “It starts at midnight and ends at four am.”

Customer: “Can I get [food item not on menu]?”

Me: “I’m sorry; we’re currently not selling that item. We’re on the midnight to four am menu.”

Customer: “What?! When did that start?!”

Me: “The MIDNIGHT to FOUR AM menu starts at MIDNIGHT and lasts until FOUR AM.”

Customer: “So I can’t get [food item]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no. We only sell the items on the midnight to four am menu.”

Customer: “When does the midnight menu stop? I want [food item]!”

Me: *bangs head on cash register*

(Unfortunately, I have this conversation at LEAST three times a night.)

How Do You Like Dem Cherry Pies?

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Popular

(It’s midnight at the 24-hour-fast food place. A woman and her husband order via the drive thru, apparently unaware I can hear everything they say. I’ve also just cut more than eight inches off my hair, streaked my hair blue, and begun wearing contacts two days prior and not even my coworkers recognized me when I clocked in.)

Customer: “There’s no one here! We should come this late more often!”

Man: “I want cherry pies and last time the dumb b**** at the counter told me they were discontinued.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just ask for some, then.” *into the speaker* “We want two cherry pies with the order.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the cherry pies have been discontinued.”

Man: “GOD-D*** IT!”

(They pull around to my window to pay. The woman just grins at me.)

Customer: “Well, you know what they say about husbands! I can’t believe how empty it is right now. I’ve never been here past six or so before.”

Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty dead around this time. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Honestly, I don’t understand why you got rid of those pies. They were the best thing here.”

Me: *cheerfully* “They actually didn’t sell very well. We were throwing away more than we were selling, so corporate pulled them. Would you like to try our new strawberry pie? It’s pretty good.”

(Immediately, the woman stops smiling and scowls at me.)

Customer: “That attitude is exactly why I hate coming here. You know, I remember you from last time I was here and you had a nasty attitude then, too. This is why teenagers should learn some respect for their elders! Now give me my change. I want to recount it and make sure you didn’t pocket any of it.”

Me: “Well, first off, you can’t have remembered me since you said twice that it’s your first time here past dinner time and I only work third shift. Meaning I don’t come in until ten pm.”

Customer: “Well—”

Me: “Second: I’m twenty-two and have been nothing but polite to you this entire time even after I heard your husband call one of my coworkers a dumb b**** for no reason.”

Customer: “I—”

Me: “And finally, your total was [total], meaning your change is $2.37. One dollar, two dollars, twenty five, thirty five, six, and seven. Here you go, have a nice night, and try to remember to respect the people who handle your food.” *slams window shut*