(Two little old ladies walk up to the registers. I get the one in blue, and my coworker gets the one in pink. It’s the last half hour or so of what’s been a really long shift full of angry people stressed over vacations/school beginning/etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon! Will you be dining in with us today?”

Blue: “I’d like a salad.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Which salad would you like?”

Blue: “I’m not from here. I’m not familiar with your choices.”

Me: “Not a problem! We’ve got three salads—“ *I point at their slots on the menu board and name them* “—and we can add or take away ingredients if you need us to.”

Blue: *huffs angrily* “I just want a salad!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but as I said, we’ve got three. Which one would you like?”

Blue: *absolutely steaming now* “Just a salad!” *finally stares at the board* “I’ll take the one in the picture.”

Me: “Absolutely. What sort of dressing would you like?”

Blue: *snarling* “Thousand. Island.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid we don’t have Thousand Island. The rest of our dressings are listed under—“

Blue: “JUST. GIVE. ME. A DRESSING. AND CALM DOWN!”

(I smile, but I know if I go any further with this lady I will say something I absolutely regret. I call my manager over and go stand next to one of my coworkers in the corner until the lady moves away.)

Manager: “What happened?”

Me: “I asked her what salad and dressing she wanted.”

Coworker: “Literally that’s all she did.”

Manager: “That’s what she said. She said you kept asking what salad and dressing she wanted.” *he looks at the clock* “You wanna go home ten minutes early?”

Me: “Nothing would bring me more pleasure.”

(I work at a fast food place at a highway rest stop. Since our prices are higher than others of our kind, I usually tell customers certain combinations they can do to save money. This happens during one of my breakfast shifts. An elderly couple walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Husband: “Can I get [Breakfast Platter] but without the pancakes?”

Wife: “And I just want an order of pancakes.”

Me: “Okay, well, if you want to make it cheaper, we can just do the [Breakfast Platter] with the pancakes. That way, you can sav—“

Husband: “I don’t want pancakes. She does.”

Me: “Yes, but the end result would be the same. I could even tell them to plate it sep—“

Husband: “I don’t want the pancakes. She does.”

Wife: “He’s telling you that you can save money by—“

Husband: “I don’t want pancakes. We’ll do it like this.”

Me: “…Okay, then.”

(I rang them up and gave them their change. They left me standing there in utter confusion. I hope the guy realized he could have saved $4 and me a lot of headache.)

Customer: “I’d like [meal] with two portions of fries, please.”

Me: “And portion size?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Small, medium, or large?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, which is it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I decide she isn’t actually a customer and just someone playing a joke, so I call for the next customer.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME! I’m ordering.”

Me: “Madam, I asked you three times and you didn’t answer me. What else am I supposed to do?”

Woman: “What did you even ask me?”

Me: “Portion size. Small, medium or large?”

Woman: “Large.”

Me: “For both?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Me: “And which drink would you like?”

Woman: “Yes.”

(I’ve now decided that she really is playing a joke, and is just trying to drag it out for as long as possible. I call on the next customer again.)

Woman: “AGAIN! WHY ARE YOU SO F****** RUDE?!”

Me: “Madam, again, I asked you a question and you didn’t answer it. I have now decided you are just doing this for entertainment and I am refusing you service.”

Woman: “HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER IF I WANT A DRINK?! IT’S PART OF THE D*** MEAL DEAL!”

Me: “I asked you what drink would you like. Not whether you want one. Asking that would be redundant.”

Woman: *seeing a manager just off the side* “Are you hearing this? This b**** is being disrespectful and raising her voice at me. I demand a free meal immediately, or I’ll phone everyone I know and tell them you employ w****s to work for you.”

Manager: “I might have been sympathetic, but the second you start swearing and calling my staff b****es and w****s is the second you get thrown out.”

(She screamed just about every swear word you could think of before running out. The victory was bittersweet, though, as I was also written up for bad-mouthing a customer, and that manager had zero tolerance with me after. I was stuck in traffic a month later, and he told me not to bother turning up again. Then, when I got my dismissal letter through, it said the reason was failing to turn for multiple shifts. Suffice it to say, I don’t list them as a reference.)

(Around Saint Patrick’s Day, we dye our lemonade green. We have several signs posted inside and outside the building stating so. A lady comes through drive-thru and orders a lemonade with her meal.)

Customer: “Um, what is this?”

Me: “It’s your lemonade, ma’am. We have green lemonade for Saint Patrick’s day!”

Customer: “I don’t want this! Why didn’t you tell me it was dyed!”

(I think of all the signs posted outside and around the drive-thru speaker, as well as a sticker that is on the drive-thru window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can get some without any of the dye in it, but I’ll have to ask you to pull forward and we’ll bring it out to you.”

(We have un-dyed lemonade in the back but it will take us a minute to bring some up and pour it, and our orders and time is already stacking up.)

Customer: “No, I just make me a [Soda]. I don’t have time to wait! I’m sorry if I’m angry; I’m just really particular about what goes into my body!”

(I then gave her a [Soda] and fried food and tried to think how that could be any different from the three drops of food dye we put in a five-gallon batch of lemonade.)

This story is part of the Saint Patrick’s Day 2022 roundup!

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(The fast food place where I work has a policy that unopened toys from kids’ meals can be exchanged for a kid-sized ice cream cone. I am working one morning during breakfast when two kids come up to me.)

Kid: “Can we get ice cream?”

Me: “Sure, it will be [price].”

Kid: “Um, can I just have one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t just give you ice cream.”

(The kids walk away and say something to their mother, and then she storms up.)

Mother: “I want a manager.”

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Mother: “I bought meals for my kids and they aren’t getting their free ice cream.”

Manager: “Well, if you give me the toys from the meals, we can exchange them for ice cream.”

Mother: “They didn’t get toys. I got them breakfast meals.”

Manager: “Okay, well, toys don’t come with breakfast meals. So, if you would like a kid-sized ice cream cone, it will be [price].”

Mother: “Well, can’t you just give them ice cream? I mean, they’re kids! I paid more for their breakfast meal than I would have for kids’ meals!”

Manager: “I apologize, but if you want the ice cream, you will have to pay for it.”

Mother: “I’ll be calling corporate about this! This would never happen at the place I go to at home!”