Their Understandings Are Chalk And Cheese

, | Right | December 5, 2015

Me: “Hey, do you want to try this four-year aged cheddar?”

Customer: “Sure!” *tastes cheese* “That’s pretty good. Is it really four years old?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no, we actually age it like a month and then sell it to you guys. We call it four year aged cheddar for fun.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s so neat! I never would have guessed that.”

(The customer wasn’t sarcastic. I had to explain the process of aging cheese to her.)

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A Sweet Slippery Request

| Right | August 15, 2015

(I’m second in line waiting on a fresh batch of kettle corn, which has just finished. We’ve all been watching the preparation process, from start to finish and no one’s said anything.)

Worker: *to customer in front of me* “New batch is ready! Now, what would you like?”

Customer: “A small, no sugar, no oil.”

(The worker is taken aback and looking from the customer to the kettle of oil and huge mass of popped corn, leaving an awkward moment of silence.)

Worker: “Unfortunately, that’s not going to be possible.”

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Beggars CAN Be Choosers

| Friendly | December 12, 2014

(My friend and I are just leaving the farmer’s market when a man who appears to be homeless calls out to me.)

Homeless Man: “Excuse me, miss. Do you think you could help me out?”

(I turn to face him.)

Homeless Man: “Do you think you could give me something to eat?”

(I look through my bag and didn’t see anything I wanted to part with, but I thought I might go back to the market to get him something else.)

Me: “Do you like satsumas? Those little oranges?”

Homeless Man: “No, I don’t like those. I had some noodles earlier.”

Me: “Did you want more noodles?”

Homeless Man: “Maybe, like, some soup or something.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll go get you some soup.”

(I go back to the market to one of the stands where they have a lot of pre-made food, and I ask the attendant what she has. While she’s going through her offerings, the homeless man comes up.)

Homeless Man: “This isn’t soup!”

Me: *pointing* “These are soups right here.”

Homeless Man: “No, I can’t eat any of this. I guess I’ll just wait!” *wanders off*

Me: *to the attendant* “I guess he doesn’t want anything. Sorry to bother you.”

(My friend and I start to leave when we see the homeless man once again.)

Homeless Man: “Hey, do you think you could give me a dollar or two?”

Me: “Uh… sorry. I don’t have any small bills.”

Friend: *to me* “Seriously? If he’s going to be that picky, he’s not that hungry!”

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Getting Wind Of Forbidden Fruit

| Working | January 15, 2013

(It is 2:45 pm and I am walking home past a small Farmers’ Market.)

Me: “May I get three peaches, please?”

Fruit Seller: “Well, uh… the market doesn’t technically open until 3:00. I’m not supposed to start selling until then.”

Me: “Oh, bummer. These are the first peaches I’ve seen this year.”

Fruit Seller: “Yeah, and they’re really good.”

(The seller quickly glances around the market at the other stalls. He then prods three peaches out of their crate and onto the sales table.)

Fruit Seller: *dramatically* “Oh no, the wind! Quick, catch them before they fall on the ground!”

Me: *also dramatically* “I have caught them! But alas, the wind returns!”

(I fling the necessary cash onto the table and surreptitiously roll the peaches into my bag.)

Fruit Seller: “Terrible weather we’re having.”

Me: “Indeed. Well, I shall go home and wait until 3:00 then.”

Fruit Seller: “That is wise.” *wink*

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When You’ve Been Shawshanked

| Right | December 27, 2012

(I work at a table that is set up at a farmer’s market every Sunday where I sell different deli meats. I also cater events and I am speaking to a couple in their 30s about possibly catering an engagement party. I am a caucasian female in my 20s.)

Me: “So, I can give you my business card if you’d like to discuss the options for your engagement party.”

Woman: “Sure, thanks!”

Man: “You’ve been so helpful!” *looks at name on business card* “Morgan Freeman? Are you seriously Morgan Freeman?”

Me: “Well, yes. That’s my name.”

Woman: “Are you the actor?”

Me: *laughing* “Haha, only on weekdays!”

Man: “No she’s not. What a liar! This is bulls***. You’re not Morgan Freeman!”

Woman: “Honey, it says right there on the card. So, are you the one that does all the narration? Like for the penguin movies?”

Man: “She’s a liar. We’re leaving.”

Me: “No. I’m not the African American male actor. But anyway, my email and phone number are on there for my catering business.”

Man: “Sorry, we don’t deal with liars.”

(He hauls his fiancée away.)

Woman: *turns around and literally yells* “DO YOU KNOW OPRAH?!”

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