Don’t Have A Cow, Man

| VIC, Australia | Right | February 12, 2016

(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we don’t not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)

Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we where wondering if we could buy one?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”

Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”

Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*

Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”

Boyfriend: “The small cow…”

Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”

(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)

Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!

Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”

Me: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE CALF!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”

Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”

Girlfriend: “No. Why?”

Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*

Me: “F***!”

(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”

Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!

(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)

Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*

Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*

Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”

Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”

Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”

Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*

Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”

Me: “God, yes.”

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Make Hay While The Sun Shines

| UK | Romantic | June 9, 2015

(I am hanging out at the back of a barn owned by my friend’s family, waiting for said friend to show up so we can go out some place. Note, I am female, a lesbian, and have a self-admittedly deep obsession with puns.)

Friend: *walking up to me* “Hey.”

Me: *slightly absent-mindedly* “Hey.”

(Less than a second seems to pass, and a couple of my other friends appear and walk past.)

Both Friends: “Hey.”

Me: “Oh, hey…”

(I notice something seems up at this point; both of the other friends who just walked by usually never come around the area. Just then, the girl I have a crush on comes by, with a huge bale of hay under her arm.)

Crush: “Hay. And you there:” *pointing at me* “Hey, gorgeous. I’ve been wondering, do you wanna go on a date sometime?”

(I basically leapt out of my skin at this point. My crush was notorious for hating puns with a passion. It turned out that she and my three friends all devised this plan so that she could ask me out. We’ve been dating for two and a half years now!)

Horsing Around With The Possibilities

| ME, USA | Romantic | June 5, 2015

(My horse is old and I spend a lot of my time with him when I’m not working. My boyfriend often accompanies me because we have semi-conflicting schedules.)

Boyfriend: “You love that d*** horse more than me.”

Me: “So what?”

Boyfriend: “You should love me more! I can do things for you that he can’t!”

Me: “Like what?”

Boyfriend: “Open stuck jar lids, get things off the top shelf or off the top of the fridge, unlock and open the door with an arm-load of groceries. I have thumbs; the possibilities are endless.”

Welcome To The Cliché Farm

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Working | November 2, 2014

(I am 18, and have been hired by a local farm to help out for the summer. The terms of my contract aren’t clear, so my dad brings me in one day to sort it out. We’re in the office with my boss when one of my coworkers walks in.)

Coworker: “You wanted to see me?”

Boss: “Oh, yes. [My Name], [Dad], can you excuse us for a second?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(We walk out of the office; she closes the door. The next thing we hear is muffled shouting. My dad and I look at each other and crack up.)

Me: “I thought that only happened in the movies!”

Dad: “Yeah, so did I!”

Milking The Conversation

| CT, USA | Working | July 8, 2014

(I work at a dairy farm milking cows. Every milking, without fail, a conversation like this happens between us and one of the cows:)

Bertha: “Moo.”

Worker #1: “Hi, Bertha!”

Bertha: “Mooooo.”

Worker #2: “What’s the matter, girl?”

Bertha: “Mooo.”

Worker #1: “Are you hungry, Bertha?”

Bertha: “Mooooooooooo.”

Worker #2: “Be patient. We’re almost done.”

Bertha: “Mooo.”

(At this point, just as we are about to let her loose, Bertha always poops in the milking parlor.)

Both Workers: “Thanks, Bertha.”

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