Unfiltered Story #94401

, | Unfiltered | September 24, 2017

(I, a noble knight, have journeyed down to ye olde farmer’s market when a ghastly sight occurs before my eyes.)

Compl of Ainer: “I, Compl of Ainer come bearing none but the most unreasonable of expectations and shall not be pleased! Lady Cash of Ier! I command thee, lower these prices at once!”
Lady Cash of Ier: “Good sir, I am but a lowly shop keep of my boss’s employ! I have no rule over what gold he ask of thee for his goods!”
Compl of Ainer: “Then thou shalt pay for my goods from thine own pocket!”

(Lady Cash empties her pockets onto the counter and looks back at Compl.)

Lady Cash of Ier: “I’m sorry, sir, I haven’t enough gold to pay for all the goods.”
Compl of Ainer: “Then what be the sound of clanging from thy pocket?”
Lady Cash of Ier: “No, please, sir! That is all the gold intended to feed the children at the orphanage!”
Compl of Ainer: “Nonsense! The bellies of motherless children are no concern of mine! I shall take food from their very plates if it please me! I am your patron and you’ll do as I say or I’ll have you thrown in the stocks, worthless dog!”

(Compl raises his hand, ready to land a vicious blow upon poor Cash as the townsfolk scream in horror. In the same instant, I step forth to nobly intervene and shout in my noblest of knighty voices.)

Me: “I, Sir Costu of Mer shall stand this injustice towards this fair maiden no longer! Compl of Ainer, thou shalt control thine manner this instant or we shall settle this with blades!”

(I draw my sword and point it at Compl. His boots quiver in fear as the crowd reacts in awe at my bravery.)

Compl of Ainer: “Nay! If thou should try to bring any harm to me, I shall summon The Man of Ager!
Me: “The Man of Ager and I are good friends, since the day I single-handedly saved his farm from a band of villainous scum such as yourself, which was also the same day I introduced him to his wife after I rescued her from several very large dragons! At my word, he shall turn the other cheek as I rend the evil from your body. What be your decision, sir?”

(With that, Compl’s face turned white as a deep winter snow. With haste, he drops all the gold he was carrying in a generous donation to the orphanage as he flees from my bravery back to the cave from whence he crawled.)

Townsfolk: “Three cheers for Sir Costu of Mer! Noblest and manliest of knights!”
Lady Cash of Ier: “Oh, my hero! Bravest, most handsome knight in all the land!”

(Lady Cash skips merrily to my side and lay a kiss on my cheek. I lift her up onto my steed, which is noble, though not as noble as I. Together, we ride off into the sunset as all the townsfolk applaud my bravery, nobility and general magnificence.)