Not Just Grandma Is A Hack

, , , , | Related | April 12, 2019

(I am about 13 in this story. My family and I are at a family reunion. My grandparents, who recently moved to Oregon, will also be there. I went to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.)

Step-Grandma: “So, what did you do this summer, [My Name]?”

Me: “Mostly stayed at home, but I did go to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.”

Step-Grandma: “What did you do at the camp?”

Me: “We coded a site, went to the aquarium, and learned about cyber-principles, some basics of hacking, and how to do it legally.”

Step-Grandma: “Good! Now you can hack the Russians back!”

Me: “…”

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Baby-Talk Is Very Adult

, , , | Related | January 17, 2019

(I’m the youngest in my generation of the family, and everyone else of my age group has gotten married. I have a small line of relationships that didn’t work out, for one reason or another. At this point, I’m single again after a two-year relationship.)

Aunt: “You know, [Cousin]’s wife is pregnant already. When are you going to have a kid?”

Me: “Uh… I’m single and still smarting from that, so, no thanks. I also kind of need a boyfriend for that, anyway.”

Aunt: “Oh, honey, you don’t need a boyfriend. Just find a random guy and…”

(I give her a look of pure appalled disgust.)

Me: “…I’m not going to do that.”

Aunt: “Honestly, honey, you’re going to be left behind. Everyone else has settled down to have a family. You’re the only one who hasn’t.”

Me: “You KNOW why I haven’t.”

(I’ve been very responsible about this decision, and have taken proper precautions, as I haven’t wanted to bring a new human being into the mix of college, college debt, and job hunting.)

Aunt: “So when ARE you going to be an adult and start a family?”

Me: *fed up* “When I d*** well want to!”

(I have no idea why she thinks that having a baby is the only thing that will make me an ‘adult.’)

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The Man From Uncle

, , , , | Related | July 28, 2018

(My mother’s side of the family is having our first big reunion in years. In many East Asian cultures, you don’t call older relatives by name; there are specific titles for specific relationships.)

Cousin: *talking about mum’s older brother* “Because I’m half white and all American, I didn’t realise Tua Ku’s name wasn’t Tua Ku until I was, like, eighteen…”

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