Having A Generational Blond Moment

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2019

(My friend often touches up and edits photos from customers — in other words, Photoshop. One day a customer comes in looking upset.)

Customer: “Can you please restore my photo? I don’t know why my granddad’s hair is faded white. I need you to put black on it. He’s so young!”

(My friend takes a look at the photo. It’s a gritty black-and-white photo of a young man and woman. The man is Caucasian while the woman is East Asian. They look like a couple from their demeanor.)

Customer: “Please! It’s my only picture of my granddad. Read the back. And this is the first time I’ve ever laid eyes on him.”

Friend: “Ma’am… your granddad is Caucasian. He has blond hair. That’s why it looks ‘faded white.’”

Customer: “What? I’m Korean! How is that possible?”

Friend: “…”

Customer: “…”

Friend: “Well. All I can say is that this man in the photo has blond hair. There is nothing wrong with this photo.”

Customer: “I’m white? Really?”

Friend: “You’re mixed race.”

Customer: “…”

(The customer left with her mouth open.)

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All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

, , , , , | Romantic | July 5, 2019

(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

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Maybe They Were Telepaths

, , , | Related | June 24, 2019

My parents offered to take my wife and me out for lunch to a place my mum had selected, one of those “gastropub” places you see popping up all over the UK. She chose well, as the food was delicious, the menu was varied, portion sizes were excellent, and the service was very professional. We really enjoyed our lunch. The weird bit was this.

On this particular Sunday afternoon, the place wasn’t really very busy; there were just a few families like us and a couple of barflies. Almost all the other patrons were, like us, fairly typical of the sort of clientele you’d find in a place like this, in the sense that they were chatting, laughing, and generally enjoying themselves. I say, “almost all,” because the three people at the table behind ours were most definitely the exception.

They were an elderly couple and their adult son who arrived around the same time we did. They looked at their menus and spoke to the waitress only to order drinks and food. The rest of the time they sat there in total silence. And I really mean that. While waiting for their food, the three of them sat there looking daggers at each other. When they got their food, there was still no conversation, not even of the, “Oh, that looks delicious,” or, “How’s the chicken?” variety. Throughout the entire meal, they just stared at each other.

I bet Christmas is a bundle of laughs in that household.

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This Had Better Not Be Their Only Birth Control Method

, , , , , | Romantic | June 17, 2019

(My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we both chose independently before we even met that neither of us wants biological children. I recently started a new job, and out of about 90 employees I am one of two that has no children, and three of my coworkers are actively pregnant. After I’ve been there for a month, we hire another person who is pregnant. I tell my boyfriend about the new hire after her first day.)

Me: “We got someone new today, [New Coworker].”

Boyfriend: “Oh, neat. How is she?”

Me: “She’s so nice! And heavily pregnant.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Not regularly pregnant? She’s ‘heavily’ pregnant, specifically?”

Me: *laughs* “Very specifically. She’s due on [date about two months ahead]. But she has a small frame, so she looks huge.”

Boyfriend: “Didn’t you say someone else has that due date, too?”

Me: “Yup! [Coworker #1]. And [Coworker #2] just went on maternity; her baby is due this weekend. Plus, [Coworker #3] is gonna pop in the next couple of weeks. I’m surprised she hasn’t left already.”

Boyfriend: “Jesus, that’s so many pregnant people in one spot.”

Me: *in a goofy “spooky” voice* “They’re communicating… and gathering.”

(He gives me a funny look at this point, so I say:)

Me: “What? What’s that face for?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t get any big ideas, now.”

Me: *pointing to my head* “Hey, it’s not this part of me that you need to tell that to! You need to tell this* part of me!” *pointing at my lower tummy*

(He bends over and puts his ear to my stomach, and pokes me.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t go getting any big, hormonal ideas!”

Me: “You know, it does take at least two people to make a pregnancy happen; don’t put all this on me.”

(He thinks for a second, and then pulls back and points accusingly at his own groin.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t you dare to get any big ideas, mister!”

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An Education In Coincidence

, , , , , , | Learning | June 5, 2019

This one’s on me. For the past year or so, I’ve had five wonderful 10- to 12-year-old boys in my Minecraft classes, good friends who became closer through interacting on their computers. A sixth boy recently joined for the spring term, and I noted that he shared [Uncommon Last Name] with one of the previous students — who has a hyphenated name, but half of it is identical — and both of them listed [Mother’s Not-Too-Common First Name] [Uncommon Last Name] as their emergency contact. Naturally, I figured they were brothers…

…and managed to greatly upset the long-time student by telling him that. Probing further before the next class, I found that one student lived on the east end of the county while the other came from a more western city. You can bet I was extremely apologetic to the student in that next class!

Yes, there are two mothers with the same first and last name, with a son between 10 and 12, whose child has high-functioning mental challenges, who signed him up for the same class at the same time in a town neither of them lives in.

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