Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

Me: “In two days, sir.”

Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the Internet sooner than that.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dial-up account until your DSL is installed.”

Caller: “But dial-up is too slow… cancel my order!”

Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three-week wait.”

Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

(The next day, the same customer calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

Caller: *silence* “So… can I still get the dial-up until my DSL is installed?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

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About To Get Charged With Battery

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

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As The Checkout Line Churns

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [Name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking; we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh… I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [Brother]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [Mom]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [Estranged Father]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you. I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they are watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God… Please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [My Stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me: *to Boss* “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

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A Very Loose-Knit Family

, , , | Right | June 10, 2009

(I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eat with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

Customer: “No!”

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Mommy Sincerest

, , , | Right | June 4, 2009

(I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she has brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)

Mom: $57…$64…”

Child #1: “Uh-oh, Mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”

Child #2: “Yeah, Daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”

Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since Daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So, you can tell Daddy that he can kiss Mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”

Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell Daddy that! You’re so funny, Mommy!”

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