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Boring Is Quiet

, , , , , , | Related | February 8, 2018

(When our daughter is only two weeks old, my husband and I are admiring her as she wiggles around, making her baby noises.)

Me: “She’s just so precious. I don’t want her to ever grow up.”

Husband: “Nah, she’s pretty boring. I can’t wait for her to be one or two, when she’ll be entertaining and fun to play with.”

(Jump forward to her being 13 months old. She has started a phase of running in circles, and yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, non-stop, for fun.)

Husband: “Oh, my God! Make it stop! My head hurts! Why is she so loud? Why are you laughing?”

Me: “Remember when she was just a newborn, and you said she was boring and you couldn’t wait for her to be a toddler and be more fun? Careful what you wish for.”

(He says he wants three more kids. Let’s see how that goes.)

Unhealthy Conversation

, , , , | Related | February 2, 2018

(My dad’s American and my mom is from the Philippines. Every couple years, we visit Mom’s side of the family. One of my cousins has a new girlfriend, and all the aunts and uncles are excited to meet her for the first time. My parents and I end up being unavailable when he brings her to meet the family, so later we ask my aunt, that cousin’s mom, about her.)

Mom: “So, how did it go? How was she?”

Aunt: “Healthy.”

Mom: “Okay? What was she like, though?”

Aunt: “Just healthy.”

(I asked my mom about this later, and she confirmed that my aunt was saying the girlfriend was fat. No other indication of her personality or accomplishments, just that she was fat. As much as I like being Filipina, they can be savage, and I’m glad I don’t spend a lot of time with that side of the family.)


This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

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The Mother Of All Comebacks

, , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I am 24, and I have a coworker who is 37. She had her first child at age 14. She did very well in life, beating a lot of statistics about teen parents. She finished high school and even got Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. She eventually got married in her twenties to another man and had children with him. But she would be the first to say that teen parenting is not a good life choice, and she is very vocal to teens about smart sex choices. This occurs when we’re talking about family drama.)

Coworker: “Trust me. I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Coworker: “I have a daughter who is basically your age!”

Me: “And you’re not old enough to be her mother, either.”

Coworker: “Touché.”

Grand Theft Double Standards  

, , , , | Working | January 12, 2018

(My mother and I are out shopping and she wants to pick me up the new game for Christmas to be sweet. I, in turn, have just purchased her a nice bottle of wine, which I am holding in a state bag. We go to [Video Game Store]. A woman and her son, who is around 16, are in line in front of us. The cashier is male and probably 20 years old.)

Son’s Mom: “I want to buy the new [Grand Theft Auto] game for my son.”

Cashier: “Oh, sick, man. It’s rated ‘M’ for nudity and violence, though. Like, you get to go to strip clubs and stuff!”

Son’s Mom: “I didn’t know that.” *to her son* “Did you know that?”

Son: “Yeah, that stuff is kind of part of the franchise.”

Son’s Mom: *shrugs and buys the game*

Cashier: “You’ll definitely enjoy it, man!”

My Mom: “Hi, I would like to buy this game.”

Cashier: “Are you buying it for her? It’s rated ‘M’ and there’s a bit of female nudity and violence. I really can’t recommend it to someone under 17.”

My Mom: “It’s a good thing that she’s never seen female nudity or violence in her 23 years she’s been alive.”

Not Pregnant With Information

, , , , , | Related | January 10, 2018

(My mother is the oldest of eight children. She is the first to marry and to start having children of her own. Of my mother’s children, I am the eldest. All of my mother’s siblings marry and proceed to have children of their own throughout the course of my life. Every year, someone is announcing a wedding, a pregnancy, or a birth. While I am genuinely happy for my ever-growing extended family, I don’t feel the same amount of joy as my mother does, due to the fact that I never get to see these relatives except for every couple of years, as opposed to my mother who visits everyone once or twice a year. I’m 20 years old and attending college out of state, so my only communication with my parents is a weekly phone call, which is usually brief. I’m home for Christmas break when my mother’s youngest sibling — my youngest aunt — calls. Note: this takes place when social media is in its infancy and most people don’t have a Facebook page.)

Mother: “Hello?” *pause* “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m really glad everything went well.” *pause* “Don’t worry; I’ll call [various Aunts and Uncles] and let them know, too.” *pause* “You rest and take it easy. Love you. Bye.”

Me: “What’s going on with [Youngest Aunt]?”

Mother: “What do you mean? She just had the baby!”

Me: “Huh… She and the baby are okay, I’m guessing?”

Mother: “Yes, yes, they’re both doing well. What do you mean, ‘huh’? Aren’t you excited?”

Me: “Mom, I didn’t know she was even pregnant.”

Mother: “Of course you did. She announced the pregnancy back in May at [Cousin]’s baptism.”

Me: “I didn’t go to that.”

Mother: “I told you about her baby shower I was going to back in October.”

Me: “You mentioned a baby shower, but you didn’t say who it was for. I assumed it was for one of your friends from church who had a daughter that was pregnant.”

Mother: “She was admitted yesterday morning!”

Me: “And I was on the road yesterday morning, if you remember. I didn’t get here until almost dinnertime.”

Mother: *dumbfounded* “I really didn’t tell you?”

Me: “I wouldn’t be surprised if only you and Dad knew, which is sad since [Youngest Sibling] still lives here.”

Mother: “You could at least be a little more excited!”

(As if on cue, my other two siblings head down the stairs, unaware of our conversation, and my mother shouts to them.)

Mother: “[Youngest Aunt] just had her baby!”

(The two of them look at each other, confused, then look towards me.)

Me: “I told you they didn’t know.” *to my siblings* “Apparently, we have another cousin.”

(For those who are curious, the cousin mentioned in this story was the last one, making twelve cousins, just on my mother’s side of the family.)