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Wishing You Could Be From A No-Hick Town

, , | Related | August 1, 2017

(I hit my neck, which hurts, but it’s not bleeding so I think nothing more of it and continue with my day, which includes a family gathering. I’m asexual, but only my siblings know that. Every time I see my family, at least five people want to discuss my non-existent love life and make suggestions about who I should date. Since all my cousins are getting married and settling down, the whole family has gotten even more involved than before in finding me a boyfriend. When I go downstairs, I see two of my aunts first. They stare at me open-mouthed for a few moments, and then share an amazed glance.)

Me: “Hi [Aunt #1], [Aunt #2]. How are… um… What’s that look for?”

Aunt #1: *grinning broadly* “I think the real question is ‘How are YOU?’ Looks like someone had a good time last night.”

Me: “What?”

Aunt #2: “No need to play coy. It’s winter. You could’ve just worn a turtleneck, and no-one would have seen it.”

Me: “Seen what?”

Aunt #2: “Oh, come on. We know you wanted us to see it. It’s easier than telling everyone you’ve finally found someone, huh?”

Aunt #1: “Oh, this is wonderful! We thought it would never happen!”

Me: “Um… I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Aunt #2: *gestures to my neck*

(I go to the bathroom to look at my neck in the mirror. There’s a red mark where the metal rod hit my neck. It looks just like a hickey.)

Me: *blushing furiously* “No! That’s not what this is! I was taking apart the hamper upstairs, and-”

Aunt #1: “It’s all right, honey. We know what it is. But if you aren’t ready to tell the rest of the family, we can find you a scarf or something. Oh! I have some cover-up in my bag.”

Me: “No, but it’s really not a hickey!”

(I explain the whole hamper situation, and my aunts’ huge smiles gradually fade to disappointed looks.)

Aunt #1: *sighs sadly* “Well, you’ll find someone someday, dear.”

Aunt #2: “You know, your biological clock is ticking…”

(I ended up getting yet another talk about how I needed to find a man so I could have babies. Then, I spent the rest of the day red-faced and constantly having to repeat this same conversation with almost every relative I saw. The one good thing about blushing that hard is that it sometimes hides the “hickey.”)

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Up In Your Face About Your Face

, , , | Related | July 31, 2017

(My family rarely gets together so I haven’t seen anyone for several years. An event comes up and most of my siblings and many cousins, etc. make arrangements to gather in a town for a festival weekend. It is planned that the first night all will get together for a giant, shared meal. I am seated across the table from my aunt.)

Aunt: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: “What?”

Aunt: “That thing on your face!”

(She touches her own face indicating where.)

Me: “Oh. That’s cancer.”

Aunt: “Can you do something about it?”

Me: “Surgery is scheduled for later this month.”

Aunt: “Why would you go out in public like that?”

(This is a lesion that is smaller than a pencil eraser located above my lip. It looks a bit like a healed cold sore.)

Me: “Well, this is the only face I have so I don’t have much choice.”

Aunt: “Couldn’t you have gotten it fixed before you came?”

Me: “As you can see from my scars, I had surgery before I came. There is only so much the doctor was willing to do at once. I’ll have two more surgeries.”

Aunt: “Well, you’ll just have to sit somewhere else. I can’t eat looking at that.”

Me: “Sorry my cancer makes you so uncomfortable. What on earth was I thinking?”

(I got up and moved to sit next to a cousin.)

Cousin: “Yeah, just this morning she asked us why we thought the family got together so rarely. How’s your treatment going, by the way?”

Me: “The prognosis is good; thank you for asking.”

Aunt: “All I inherited from mom was my nose, thank goodness.”

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Has Everything Except Everything You Need

, , , | Related | July 20, 2017

(I’m at my mom’s house for a weekend family picnic. The conversation has died down so I’m on my phone on the app for a major maker of yarns, ordering yarn for a crochet project that I am working on. The type of yarn that I want is hard to find even at craft stores so I have to buy it online. A family friend is there and she is obsessed with a certain major big box retailer.)

Family Friend: “What are you doing?” *as she looks over my shoulder*

Me: “Buying yarn so I can make dish scrubbies.”

Family Friend: “Why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

(First of all, this type of yarn is a special type of yarn used to make dish scrubbies and is hard to find even at the two major chain craft stores in my area. Second of all, the yarn section at the local Walmart is very tiny and only has basic yarns.)

Me: “They only have it online.”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything! If they don’t have it at Walmart, you don’t need it! Why don’t you try making them from Supersaver yarn?”

Me: “No, I want the scrubbie yarn!”

Family Friend: “But why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

Me: “They don’t have it.”

Family Friend: *repeating what she just said VERY slowly* “But. Why. Don’t. You. Buy. It. At. Walmart?”

Me: “How many times do I have to tell you, they don’t have it?! No one in the area has it so I have to buy it online!”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything!”

(My mom then broke in and asked this friend to go help her in the kitchen because she could see how stressed that I was getting and that the conversation wasn’t getting anywhere. This family friend thinks that Walmart is the greatest store in the world and that people are stupid to shop elsewhere.)

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Should Look In The Smoking Mirror

| Related | February 22, 2017

(I’m talking with my two cousins at a family get together back when we were 10-12 years old. Suddenly, one of them changes the subject. For clarification, my dad used to smoke but has stopped a few years prior.)

Cousin #1: “Hey, did you know that your father tried to quit smoking once before, too, and failed?”

Cousin #2: “Yeah, that’s so pathetic.”

(All I could manage to do was stare confused at them. Their father still smokes everyday even to this day. They genuinely seemed to have not made the connection.)

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You’ll Die Before They Get It

| Related | December 5, 2016

(Every summer the cousins on my dad’s side have a weekend get together at his mom’s house. Our great-grandpa was known for being hard of hearing and sight. As a kid our uncle was run over by our great-grandpa with a lawn mower. Our uncle survived with less toes than normal. However, our grandma was always extremely protective of us whenever she heard Grandpa start the mower up. I’m 12 and my sister is 10.)

Grandma: “Kids, get inside! Grandpa is mowing!”

(As we collect our toys, my sister asks our 14-year-old cousin why we have to go in. Our cousin gives us the same explanation I just gave. The uncle who was run over is her dad.)

Sister: “Did he die?”

Cousin: “No, [Uncle] is my dad.”

Sister: “I understand, but did he die when Grandpa ran him over?”

Cousin: “He got run over when he was four. I hadn’t even been born yet.”

Sister: “I get that! I just want to know if the mower killed him!”

Cousin: “If he had died, [Cousin #2], [Cousin #3], [Cousin #4], and I wouldn’t have been born! He got hit when he was four! We hadn’t been born! If he had died, I wouldn’t be here!”

Sister: “Yes! But did he die?”

Me: *holding back tears* “NO!”

(Needless to say, our grandma got quite the kick out of hearing this story. It was a great reason for taking longer than we should have to escape Grandpa’s blades of t(o)error.)

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