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Wait… So, Who All Is Coming?

, , , | Related | August 4, 2020

My aunt tends to repeat an idea multiple times, even if she heard and understood it clearly. At this family gathering, only my younger sister and I are in attendance. The other three members of my family did not come. This conversation ensues.

Aunt: “Is your mother coming?”

Me: “No, she had to do [event].”

Aunt: “Huh? Your mother’s not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Then your dad?”

Me: “No, he went with my mother to [event].”

Aunt: “Oh, he’s not coming, either?”

Me: “No, he’s accompanying my mother.”

Aunt: “Then how about [Older Sister]?”

Me: “No, she had to do something for school.”

Aunt: “Oh, [Older Sister] is also not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be able to make it.”

Aunt: “So, your mum, your dad, and [Older Sister] are all not coming?”

Me: “No, they won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Huh, they’re all not coming?”

Me: “No, they’re all not coming.”

Aunt: “So, it’s only you and [Younger Sister] here today?”

Me: “Yes, it’s only me and [Younger Sister].”

Aunt: “Only the two of you?”

Me: “Yes, only us.”

Aunt: “Only the two of you, and the rest of your family aren’t coming?”

Me: *Facepalm*

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You Can Dance If You Want To, You Can Leave Your Mom Behind

, , , , | Related | August 2, 2020

I am at a family reunion with extended family which, in my case, means people I don’t see at any other time except these reunions.

I am a rather introverted child, so I am sitting in a corner reading a book when my mother and another relative come up.

Mom: “[My Name], there’s a dance tonight. Do you want to go?”

Me: “No.”

Relative: “But it’s $5.00 for two, so if you go along, it’ll be cheaper than paying $3.00 for one person.”

Me: “No, it’ll cost $2.00 more.”

Mom: “No, it’ll be cheaper!”

The conversation derails into a debate about how it’ll be cheaper if I go along. Every time I point out that I don’t want to go, I get told that it’ll be cheaper, and the conversation loops through that again. Finally, frustrated with the circular argument, I give up.

Me: “Fine. If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

Predictably, I have no fun. I don’t dance, the music is too loud, I don’t know anybody there to talk to, and I’m not outgoing enough to try talking to people I don’t know.

The next morning, my mother corners me.

Mom: “Why did you go if you didn’t want to dance?”


This story is part of our Dancing roundup!

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Sounds Like Someone Needs A Little-Voice Transplant

, , , , , , | Related | June 16, 2020

I come from a large family, and we don’t get together very often. A table-full of us are gathered at a nephew’s wedding.

[Brother #4], who is not present, as it happens, is famous — notorious, actually — in our extended clan for being an adrenaline junkie with poor decision-making skills.

Seriously — about twenty years ago, as a result of a miscalculation on a bungee jump, he was featured on an episode of the Discovery Channel show called “Real Life Medical Miracles.” For his fortieth birthday, he told his wife he wanted to try cage boxing.

One of us is telling a long and complicated story about him, three dogs, and a skunk, and a niece is shaking her head in disbelief.

Me: “It’s true. You know that little voice that we all have in the back of our brains? The one that tells you not to do dumb stuff like stick a fork in the wall socket?”

Niece: “Are you saying Uncle [Brother #4] doesn’t listen to his little voice?”

Me: “I’m saying his little voice was dropped on its head as a child.”

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Not Just Grandma Is A Hack

, , , , | Related | April 12, 2019

(I am about 13 in this story. My family and I are at a family reunion. My grandparents, who recently moved to Oregon, will also be there. I went to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.)

Step-Grandma: “So, what did you do this summer, [My Name]?”

Me: “Mostly stayed at home, but I did go to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.”

Step-Grandma: “What did you do at the camp?”

Me: “We coded a site, went to the aquarium, and learned about cyber-principles, some basics of hacking, and how to do it legally.”

Step-Grandma: “Good! Now you can hack the Russians back!”

Me: “…”

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Baby-Talk Is Very Adult

, , , | Related | January 17, 2019

(I’m the youngest in my generation of the family, and everyone else of my age group has gotten married. I have a small line of relationships that didn’t work out, for one reason or another. At this point, I’m single again after a two-year relationship.)

Aunt: “You know, [Cousin]’s wife is pregnant already. When are you going to have a kid?”

Me: “Uh… I’m single and still smarting from that, so, no thanks. I also kind of need a boyfriend for that, anyway.”

Aunt: “Oh, honey, you don’t need a boyfriend. Just find a random guy and…”

(I give her a look of pure appalled disgust.)

Me: “…I’m not going to do that.”

Aunt: “Honestly, honey, you’re going to be left behind. Everyone else has settled down to have a family. You’re the only one who hasn’t.”

Me: “You KNOW why I haven’t.”

(I’ve been very responsible about this decision, and have taken proper precautions, as I haven’t wanted to bring a new human being into the mix of college, college debt, and job hunting.)

Aunt: “So when ARE you going to be an adult and start a family?”

Me: *fed up* “When I d*** well want to!”

(I have no idea why she thinks that having a baby is the only thing that will make me an ‘adult.’)

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