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Family Re-Ew-nion, Part 2

| Related | August 23, 2012

(My cousin and his girlfriend are getting ready to move to New York. My grandma gets the wonderful idea of throwing him a going away party, which the entire family attends. His younger brother is also celebrating his birthday. We get to the part where we’re singing happy birthday for him.)

Cousin’s brother: “Alright, time to blow out the candles.”

(Instead of letting him blow out the candles, we start singing another rendition of the birthday song.)

Cousin’s brother: “Okay then, please tell me you’re all done now.”

(In retaliation for this, various people collaborate and three more versions are sung, each one wackier than the last.)

Cousin’s brother: *groaning* “Are you going to let me blow out these candles or are we going to be here all day? Seriously, how many more songs do you guys know?”

Uncle: *making it up as he goes* “Happy birthday Chris, you smell like a monkey, happy birthday Chris, you’re one year closer to the grave, happy birthday Chris, mom’s wondering when you’ll be giving us grandchildren.”

Grandma: “You’re like twenty-two already. You’re not getting any younger! I mean, just look at how pretty your girlfriend is!”

Cousin: “I think you’re talking about my girlfriend grandma, but that’s okay. She’s attractive and mom taught me how to share.”

Aunt: “I had no part in this and I did not teach him that!”

Uncle: *completely ignoring my aunt* “Yeah! That’s my boy! It’s too bad she can’t marry you both. Or can she?”

(My cousin’s girlfriend, his brother, his mom (my aunt) and my grandma all look like they’re going to die from embarrassment. Everyone else just about dies of laughter.)

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The Couple That Slays Together, Stays Together, Part 6

| Romantic | July 26, 2012

(I have brought my girlfriend to a family gathering. She has not met my family before and is very nervous about it.)

Uncle: *to me* “Be gone! I must question your new paramour.”

Me: “Righto!”

(I wander off, but stay within earshot.)

Uncle: *to my girlfriend* “Young lady, what are your intentions with my nephew?”

Girlfriend: “I am going to lull him into a false sense of security, kill him, and then mount his head in my basement with the others.”

Uncle: *immediately gets up and walks past me* “She’s a keeper.”

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Doesn’t Get The MSG

| Related | July 10, 2012

Dad: “Come check this sauce before I put it on the chicken!”

Me: “Um…”

Dad: “What? It’s Kikkoman.”

Me: “I’m allergic to soy.” *and have been for three years*

Dad: “…And? Check the ingredients!”

(I don’t think he’s actually figured out why my roommates have banned me from eating anything he cooks.)

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He’s Gone Coco-Nuts

| Related | June 11, 2012

(We are at a family reunion, and my 97-year-old great-grandfather is questioning one of his sons (my great-uncle) about the desserts available.)

Grandpa: “So, what kind of pies are there?”

Uncle: “There’s a chocolate one and a coconut one.”

Grandpa: “So, there’s coconut?”

Uncle: “Yes, there’s coconut and chocolate.”

Grandpa: “Is there chocolate?”

Uncle: “Yes.”

Grandpa: “And coconut?”

Uncle: “Dad, there’s a chocolate pie and a coconut pie.”

Grandpa: “But there’s coconut, right?”

Uncle: ”Yes!”

Grandpa: “Well, I want chocolate. I hate coconut!”

This story is part of the Family Reunion roundup!

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