If Dying Bunnies Doesn’t Make You Sad Then You’re A Rock

, , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(I paint rocks and sell them at craft fairs. Many of my rocks are painted to look like animals: cats, dogs, foxes, squirrels, etc. Two men approach my table. One man looks like your stereotypical sixties hippie: long hair, head bandana, tie-dye shirt, the works. He stares at my rocks for a moment before speaking to his friend.)

Hippie: “This looks like the end of a sad childhood, like she had a bunny and the bunny died, and now she paints these rocks and she just wants to hug them.”

(He said all of this right in front of me as if I wasn’t there! For the record, I have never owned a bunny, although I have had pet rats for as long as I can remember, and due to their short lifespan, I have endured quite a few losses. However, I just paint rocks because it’s fun!)

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I’m Sure They’re Working On One Starring Dwayne Johnson

, , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(I paint rocks and sell them at craft fairs. Many of my rocks are painted to look like animals: cats, dogs, foxes, squirrels, etc. A man approaches my table with his young daughter. He points to one of my rocks while talking to her.)

Customer: “Look, a killer whale! Just like Free Willy. You haven’t seen that, huh? They haven’t done a remake yet.”

(They walked away after that, leaving me to wonder why a movie from 1993 needed to be remade in order for his daughter to see it!)

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He Essentially F***ed Himself

, , , | Right | December 8, 2018

(The main road is closed off for a weekend and turns into a large annual fair with insane amounts of sitting accommodations, and beer and food stands. However, as the streets need to be open to traffic again by Sunday at midnight sharp, it’s forbidden to sell beer after nine pm, so that there’s enough time to disassemble the stands and clean the streets. As you can imagine, German beer and an early last call don’t mix very well, and year after year there are problems with this. It’s 9:20 pm, and I’m working on disassembling benches when I see an obviously intoxicated person coming up to a beer stand nearby, where a cashier is still waiting for people returning their steins.)

Customer: “I’ll have another beer!”

Cashier: “Sorry, can’t do. It’s after nine o’clock. We’re not allowed to sell beer after nine.”

Customer: “Ah, come on! Shut up and pour me another one!”

Cashier: “Sorry, but no. You’re asking me to break the law. If somebody sees this, I could lose the licence for this stand.”

Customer: “Don’t be paranoid! Come on! It’s just one beer.”

Cashier: “Yes, for you. But if I make an exception for you, somebody will see it, and soon I’ll need to make an exception for everyone. Besides, as I already told you, you’re asking me to break the law.”

Customer: “Bulls***! I’m not asking you to break the law. I’m asking you for one tiny exception, only once. Just give me a beer and tell the people after me to f*** off.”

Cashier: “Sorry, bud, somebody already used that line today, so, as you are after him…” *grinning* “You know… f*** off!”

(For a second, he actually looked offended until the workers — quietly working nearby and listening — cracked up laughing. He stormed away, embarrassed.)

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Unfiltered Story #131627

, , | Unfiltered | December 7, 2018

Backstory: I use to work for a traveling carnival in the 90’s, that did mostly county fair’s across the state.  At this one fair, I was running the “Swinger” ride that swings you around in a circle.  It’s a busy night, and I am running rides just as fast as I can load the ride.  Two drunks make it through my line and sit next to each other.  They start rocking back and forth “Swinging” back and forth.

Me: Sir’s please sit still.  Don’t Rock, Twist, or Swing.  The rules are right there *Points to rules*
Drunks: Ok Man.

I go an continue my safety checks and help people buckle in, when I make it back around I see them twisting the chains in with their chairs.

Me: Sirs, Second warning, please sit still.  Don’t Rock, Twist, or Swing.

I go around to double check everybody is buckled into the ride.  Take my seat at the controls, and start the ride.  It starts swinging everybody around the ride lifting them out of the air.  The drunks start to fight on the ride. I shut down the ride, turn it off.  Hop out of my chair and start walking the opposite direction the ride spins in.

Me: “YOU TWO!  *RIDE SPINS* KNOCK IT OFF!!!!”

After the ride slows to a stop.  I see my Boss hopping my fence line but I got it all under control.

Me: YOU TWO!  OFF MY RIDE!
Drunks: What did we do man!?
Me: I told you to sit still, and behave!  You were fighting on a full ride with kids on it!  Off the ride now!
Drunks: Ok Man!

The Boss escorted them off my ride, and I started it up again.  Later that evening my Boss was in the van with the other workers.

Boss: Man, don’t ever cross *Me*, man you should have seen him kick these drunks off his ride.  Scary.”

This Kid’s Got Balls

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2018

(My friend and I are volunteering at a fall fair. We are manning one of the games, where you get a ball and you have to throw it into one of the buckets. Everything is going fine until my friend goes out to grab a quick bite to eat and then a set of triplets — one boy and two girls — shows up with their parent.)

Me: “Hello! Would you like to play a game?”

Parent: “Sure! Here, kids, listen to what he has to say.”

(I explain all the rules and give them each two balls, as that is how the game works.)

Boy: “I threw mine and they didn’t make it in; what do I get?”

Me: “You get one ticket!”

(The tickets are the prizes to trade in; they get one for participation.)

Boy: “I want more!”

(He then proceeded to take the balls out of his sister’s hands, and started throwing them at me. I caught one, but then he threw them at my sensitive area. He hit me twice, and my face one time. He then took the buckets, and he was about to throw that at me when his mom finally looked over and dragged him out. Thank you, mom!)

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