(Our grandson and us are attending a game fair. One of the vendors hands out foam zombie brains. We manage to get two for our grandson. Apparently, the brain is a bit hard for a five-year-old to hold onto, because we have to keep chasing it down. We are walking in the neighborhood when our grandson again fumbles the brain. We get quite a few stares when he wails:)
Grandson: “Oh no! I’ve lost my mind!”
(We are at the fair with my two-year-old son. We’re all eating corndogs.)
Husband: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
Me: “Yep, I did the pee-on-a-stick test. Came up negative, thank god!”
Husband: “No kidding! Not ready for another!”
Two-year-old son: *staring at his corndog* “Pee on a stick? That sounds terrible!”
(I am at the local renaissance fair with my sister and her husband. We are watching a magic show.)
Magician: “For my next trick I will be using a prop. I have here a box with two holes.”
Me: “So do I.”
Sister: *face-palm*
Everyone Around Me: *hysterical laughter*
(My two-year-old daughter, my husband, and I are all together at a Renaissance festival. We are all in costume. A guy in a pirate outfit approaches me the second my husband steps away to look at something.)
Random Pirate Guy: “Hello there, fair lady. I just wanted to give you this trinket and compliment you on your exceptional beauty.”
(He kisses my hand, and slips a pipe-cleaner rose ring on my finger.)
Random Pirate Guy: “Would such a fair maiden consent to possibly meeting me later today?”
Me: “Um, that’s nice of you, but I’ll decline thanks.”
(The pirate guy suddenly gets very offended, and I can tell he’s about to make a scene.)
Random Pirate Guy: “Oh? Um, is there some reason you don’t want to talk to me?”
Me: “I can give you three: One…”
(I point to the stroller in front of me with my daughter in it.)
Me: “Two…”
(I point to my wedding ring, directly next to the rose ring he just gave me.)
Me: “…and three.”
(I wave to my husband, who is now sprinting towards us holding a brand new long sword.)
Husband: “Look, sweetie! I got a new sword!”
(I don’t see the guy again for the rest of the day, and I have to explain to my husband why I am laughing so hard.)
(I am breastfeeding my three-month-old baby quietly in a corner of a medieval festival. I am a participant. In front of me is a display of medieval stuff that I make. A tourist is passing by, and sniffs.)
Tourist: “Like they did that in the middle ages!”
Me: “Do you mean the breastfeeding? Of course they did; how else would they feed their baby?”
Tourist: “If you knew a bit about history, you would know that they hired other women to feed the baby.”
Me: “It is true that high-born ladies hired nursemaids to feed their baby and look after them, but how do you think these hired women fed the baby?”
Tourist: “With a bottle of cow’s milk of course! Jeez!”
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