A Scrabble To Find The Scribbler

, , , , , , | Working | April 29, 2019

(At the factory where I work, coworkers suddenly start writing “funny” messages on the doors and walls of our toilets. It turns out it’s some kind of contest between them. Clearly, management isn’t thrilled, and issues a memo that if anyone is caught in the act they’ll be fired on the spot. But since these are toilets, it is illegal to install camera surveillance. Without any means of surveillance, the memo has no effect and the walls and doors get smeared with more new “funnies” every day. One day, the maintenance department thinks they’ve found a solution in a paint that is supposed to be resistant against all sorts of pens, markers, crayons, etc. They invite a salesman to demonstrate the product. The man comes in with a lot of samples and we all get to try to write on the samples with anything we can come up with: markers, pens, lipstick, pencils, and even spray paint. Nothing sticks to the samples. The salesman cleans every sample without any effort.)

Head Maintenance: “That’s nice. But I want to see this stuff on one door of our toilets.”

Salesman: “Sure you can. I’ll treat one of your doors with our product, but you’ll have to sign this order for it first.”

Head Maintenance: “There’s no way I’m going to buy a product if I haven’t tested it in real life. That’s why we asked for a demonstration in the first place. We’re done.”

(Management found a cheaper solution. They painted the toilets and hired someone to clean the toilets whenever workers used them. That man also checked the toilets for new scribbles. As a result, two coworkers were fired. The walls and doors stayed clean.)

 

That’s All Phone Books Are Good For Now

, , , , , , | Working | April 19, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and loves to play practical jokes.)

Dad: “Hey, [Colleague], I took up a collection for you.”

Colleague: “What for?”

Dad: “Phone books.”

(Dad gets a big stack of phone books he’s borrowed from all the offices and sets it down in front of her.)

Colleague: “But what for?”

Dad: “Well, I heard you got a new car.”

Colleague: “Um, yeah?”

Dad: “Well, if you sit on these, you can see over the steering wheel.”

This Prank Doesn’t Lose Steam

, , , , , , , | Working | April 15, 2019

(Before he retires, my dad is a fitter machinist and works in a range of pharmaceuticals, food factories, and coal mines over the years. I love to hear all his stories about practical jokes and things that he has done over the years. And no, he has never been fired or reprimanded. In fact, he is usually incredibly well-liked and promoted continually since he works incredibly hard whenever he isn’t pranking someone or goofing off. He works with a great friend who, while apparently clever, seems to have some incredibly ditzy moments.)

Dad: “This would clean up better if we could steam clean it. Ah, I know! [Friend], take this bucket and go ask [Colleague across the factory] for some steam.”

(Thinking he’ll clue into the joke after a minute or so, he is surprised when [Friend] nods and leaves with the bucket. After a few minutes, [Friend] comes back, and surprise, surprise, the bucket is empty.)

Friend: “Ah, no! It’s gone. Hang on. I’ll go again. I must have spilled it.”

Dad: *trying his best at a serious face* “Okay.”

(As soon as he’s gone, he calls the extension for [Colleague], who exclaims that he thought [Friend] was pranking him. Dad laughs and explains briefly, and then [Colleague] puts Dad on loudspeaker so he can listen when [Friend] arrives.)

Friend: “I need some more. I spilled it.”

Colleague: “Ah, I know what it is. It evaporated. What you’ll have to do is pour it quickly and then run to the back with it before it disappears. Here, take two just to be sure.”

(Dad hears a few noises and then it goes silent for a moment before [Colleague] picks up, laughing.)

Colleague: “He’s on his way.”

(Dad hung up and, sure enough, [Friend] was running through the factory, carrying a bucket in each hand, with all of the operators staring at him, and he arrived panting with two empty buckets.)

Unfiltered Story #147114

, , , | Unfiltered | April 15, 2019

I am the most junior worker at a specialty manufacturer, so I get to answer the phones when it rings. This is in the mid 90’s, well before map apps.
Me:”<Manufacturer>, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I need to bring some material down to be cut, where is <our street>?
Me:”It runs parallel to <major street> between <street> and <street>. If you’re coming from the west end of the city, don’t speed on <our street>. There’s a speed trap, lots of people visiting us get tickets.
About an hour later, the customer arrives.
Customer: “I got a speeding ticket on <our street>!
Me: “I did tell you about the speed trap, sir.”
Customer:(sheepishly) “…yeah…”
The whole reason I started telling customers was all the complaints I heard about people getting tickets…

I’ll Make You Sorry You Asked

, , , , | Working | March 22, 2019

(My boss at this time is a very arrogant individual; he is very full of himself and likes to pretend that the world snaps to attention and answers his every whim. Another thing to note is that all of the supervisors and quality staff are required to have a radio, and we are not allowed to turn them off while on the clock.)

Boss: “[My Name], this is [Boss].”

Me: “Go for [My Name].”

Boss: “Where are you right now?”

(Not wanting to give the whole plant a mental picture they can’t unsee…)

Me: “Indisposed. I can meet in five minutes; just tell me where.”

Boss: “But where are you right now?”

Me: “Not currently available.”

Boss: *furious and demanding* “[My Name], tell me where you are, and what you are doing, right now.”

(Okay, Boss, you asked for it…)

Me: “I am currently in the fourth stall from the door in the east bathroom, sitting on the toilet and feeling much better.”

(There is a long pause on the other end of the line. I am well aware that everyone with a radio has heard our conversation.)

Boss: *much more quietly* “When you are finished, please see me in my office.”

Me: “Of course. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

(I don’t remember what was so important, but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t have waited five minutes. But he never pressed me over the radio again.)

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