I’m pretty hands-on. I spent a lot of my childhood taking things apart to see how they worked and putting them back together. So, when I had the opportunity to do some work experience in my uncle’s factory, I was excited.

The first few days were great, but they clearly ran out of things for me to do, so they put me with [Employee]. He was a guy in his fifties who didn’t seem to want me there and wouldn’t let me help with anything!

After a day or two of following him around, I asked if I could actually “do” anything.

Employee: “When I was your age, I would have killed to have this opportunity.”

Me: “I’m not complaining. I was just hoping to help. Anything, at all. I’ve swept up twice already.”

Employee: “Why don’t you go over the road and see if they have any tartan paint?”

Finally having someone useful to do, I headed over the road to the paint shop, looking for a paint pot. After looking for something like “tartan red,” I realised that he was wasting my time. There was no tartan paint; he wanted me to ask for a paint that dried in a tartan pattern.

Shop Worker: “Can I help?”

Me: “Oh, no, thanks.”

Shop Worker: “Was there anything you were looking for in particular?”

Me: “Oh, yes. But it doesn’t matter.”

Shop Worker: “There is another paint shop down the road.”

Me: “Hmm? Oh, yes. Thank you.”

Still annoyed, I went out and grabbed a drink and took a long lunch. I mean, he wasn’t expecting me back from his fool’s errand anytime soon, right? I took my time and got back to the factory right as my lunch ended.

My uncle was there, furious.

Uncle: “Oh, thank God! There you are. I thought I was going to have to ring your parents.”

Me: “I got some lunch.”

Uncle: “Oh, that’s fine, really. But when I heard what [Employee] did, I called the paint shop; they told me you’d left for the next one and that we couldn’t find you there. I was worried that you got lost. Or worse.”

Me: “Sorry.”

Uncle: “Don’t apologize. [Employee] is an idiot and shouldn’t have done that. I’ve already had strong words with him.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, what should I do now?”

He sent me to the shops to buy some doughnuts for everyone. Then, I spent the rest of my time with him. It was great and he gave me a load of cash as “pay” on the last day for all the team help. Apparently, [Employee] felt so bad he put most of it in himself.

I get called into a meeting; it sounds urgent. They ask me to sit with a member of staff as a complaint has been made. The standard process is to get a manager that is impartial.

I take the sobbing woman to a private room and sit her down.

Me: “So, can you tell me what happened?”

Woman: “[Coworker] made a really disgusting remark to me.”

Me: “Okay. Do you feel okay if I ask you to repeat it?”

Woman: “Well, he said he wanted me to pass him the greased nipples.”

Me: “Okay. How did he say it?”

Woman: “Just like that, as plain as day. Like it was nothing!”

Me: “What were you doing at the time?”

Woman: “Ugh, all these questions! Why can’t you just fire him already?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we need to be sure what happened to take the best course of action. What were you doing at the time?”

Woman: “I was helping him fix the grease guns. I don’t even know why I had to. He could do it himself. I’m sure it’s just to punish me.”

Me: “Okay, just to confirm, he definitely said, ‘Greased nipples,’ and not, ‘Can you pass me the grease nipple?’”

Woman: “I don’t know. Why does it matter? What’s the difference?”

Me: “Well, ‘grease nipple’ is the correct name for a screw-in cap, fitted to most of our grease guns. The other, well, could be seen as misconduct.”

Woman: “I don’t know, either. I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Me: “Okay, and then you came straight here?”

Woman: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will take it seriously and look into the matter. We may need to give you both paid suspensions while we investigate it further.”

It didn’t take long after to have another witness come forward. She said she heard the guy ask for the grease nipple and then helped him fit it, and that the woman was too busy playing on her phone to actually listen to him.

Both were brought back and no further actions were taken. However, the guy — a man in his sixties — felt like it was just too much and was so worried about what people would think of him that he retired early.

We couldn’t do anything about the woman’s false accusation, but we did end up moving her away from machinery as she was too much of a risk when distracted.

Boss: “Do you get along with [Employee]?”

Me: “Err, the guy from marketing? Yeah. I mean, I don’t dislike him, but we don’t see each other or work together.”

Boss: “Hmm… Okay.”

Me: “Is there an issue?”

Boss: “Oh, no. Well, not really. He made a bit of an offhand comment. Nothing to take any further, but maybe make a bit of an effort there.”

Me: “Okay, sure. Again, I don’t really even see the guy, but okay.”

I don’t really know what more to do. I try to say good morning to everyone a bit louder; otherwise, I’m pretty okay with everyone.

Then, my boss calls me into his office.

Boss: “[Employee] had made a complaint against you.”

Me: “What?! What for?”

Boss: “Homophobic remarks.”

Me: “Seriously? I didn’t even know the guy was gay.”

Boss: “Then, apparently, you flipped him off as you drove out the car park last week.”

Me: “I what? I don’t have a car. I take the bus.”

Boss: “So you don’t have…” *reading from the paper* “…a small red car with a nodding dog in the rear window.”

Me: “I don’t have any car, red or otherwise.”

Boss: “Okay, well, I’m glad I didn’t process your suspension paperwork this morning. Maybe go back to work and I will straighten it out.”

It took weeks to get an update. It turned out that [Employee] made everything up, even the bit about being gay! Someone told me that he was already planning on leaving and was trying to get some sort of payout or hush money. They threatened to fire him but he just handed in his notice there and then.

My uncle got sick — really sick. Rather than let his company shut down, as I was the only family member with any experience, I was asked to do “what I could” to help the business stay open.

At first, many of the guys tried to take liberties, lie about working hours, etc. But most of that was written down so I could catch them out. 

One employee was particularly bad. Not only would he lie, sneak off, and do very little actual work, but he would also refuse to do anything he saw as not his job, even when it meant missing a major delivery. The guy was toxic. Unfortunately, he knew his contract and the company rule book inside and out — probably the only reason he hadn’t been sacked until now.

I gave the guy several chances, but he kept pushing more and more. He clearly didn’t respect me and didn’t see me as his boss.

When he started to not show up to work, I’d had enough. I started the disciplinary process. But [Employee] thought he could use the rules in his favour, becauses if you were sick and couldn’t make the disciplinary meeting, it had to be rescheduled. 

So, we began months of cat and mouse. Eventually, I caught him out; he ran out of sick days and had to have a meeting or his pay would stop. That’s when I got him in a disciplinary meeting.

Me: “Do you know why you are here?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Hmm, okay. Here is a list of times you were late, here is a list of times you didn’t show without authorisation, and here is a list of times you left early.”

Employee: “So?”

Me: “So, this exceeds the company’s acceptable absence policy. I’m afraid we are going to have to terminate your contract here.”

Employee: *With a smug look on his face* “You have to give me three warnings to allow me to change the pattern of behaviour.”

Me: “You’re quoting the company policy on absence; I know it well. But it states that the warning can be verbal or written. You have seventeen warnings on your absences.”

Employee: “I haven’t received anything.”

Me: “Really? Have you checked your pigeon hole?”

Employee: “What pigeon hole?”

Me: “For internal mail, remember? I asked you repeatedly to clear it out.”

Employee: “But no one checks them!”

Me: “That’s immaterial. I will be passing your termination papers to Human Resources this afternoon.”

Employee: “But you’re not my boss!”

Me: “No, but I spoke to him about this, and he was delighted to hear that you were being fired.”

He left, but not before knocking over everything he could. I sent all the letters from his pigeon hole to his home address — a little forget-me-not.

Back in the 1970s, I worked in a plywood plant with a crew of 300 men and women. The lunchroom had a few vending machines for soda pop. One day, the vending machine guy didn’t lock the machine properly and so people could get into it. Sometimes people didn’t have change, so we would see someone throw a $5 bill in and take change and their drink.

This went on for a while until all the drinks were gone.

A little while later, the vending machine guy came in. I happened to be in the lunchroom at the time. He realized the machine was not locked and went pale. He opened the machine and discovered that the coin box was full of money, tens and twenties even. He counted the money that was there. Everything was fully paid for and no money missing.

He looked at me, dumbfounded.

Me: “It made it easier to make change with the machine unlocked.”

He never failed to lock it properly after that.