Around The World…Eventually

, , | Right | December 19, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

Caller: “Highway One.”

Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

Caller: “South.”

Me: “Ok, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

Me: “What city are you in?”

Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway south to get to you!”

Me: “Well, then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

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The Effect Of High Tide On Man-In-The-Moon Bowlers

, , , , | Right | December 19, 2008

(Note: We are two blocks away from the beach.)

Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every eight weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

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If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

, , | Right | December 15, 2008

(I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will stripes magically appear?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

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It Was Either That Or Get Shocked By The Kite Again

, , , , | Right | December 15, 2008

Customer: “I need a biography of Benjamin Franklin.”

Me: *I take him to the history section* “Here’s his autobiography.”

Customer: “That means he wrote it himself, right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: *eyes widening* “They could do that back then?”


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Diagnostics Through Osmosis

, , | Right | December 11, 2008

(I was working part-time in my dad’s shop when a customer comes in with a blue Kia Pride.)

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My car don’t work.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It don’t work.”

Me: “Um, could you specify, ma’am?”

Customer: “I just told you, it don’t work.”

Me: “Uh, okay… let me just take a look to see what the problem is.”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Huh? Why?!”

Customer: “Nobody goes into my property, and my car is my property!!”

Me: “But I have to see your car to know what the problem is, ma’am.”

Customer: “I just told you! It don’t work!”

Me: “…”

(Turned out, she just ran out of gas.)

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