What A Tangled Web We Weave

, , , | Right | January 15, 2009

(A customer has already ordered, picked up, and drunk most of his drink. He then walks up to the counter, very angry.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “What the f*** is this?!” *points to his cup*

Me: “It looks like the drink I made you, and you seem to have already enjoyed it.”

Customer: “No smart-a**, this!” *pours the drink onto the counter and a key bounces out* “What the f*** is going on here?!”

Me: *alarmed* “I am so sorry, sir! When I made the drink, I know there wasn’t a key in it. Let me make you a new one.”

Customer: “Yeah! You f****** better make me a new f****** drink. This is complete bull-s***! You’re lucky I don’t sue you and this coffee company!”

(I take the key and make him a new drink, and he goes and sits outside with his friends. The key isn’t mine, so I start asking coworkers and customers. No one is claiming it. The customer walks up about five minutes later, bright red and embarrassed.)

Customer: “Yeah, uh… I’m going to need my car key back so I can go home.”

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And On This Farm He Had My Dinner

, , | Right | January 12, 2009

Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

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Petrol Perception

, , | Right | January 8, 2009

Customer: “Your pumps are a lot slower than they used to be. It never used to take this long to pump $20 of gas.”

Me: “The pump speed hasn’t decreased; it just takes longer to get to $20 now that the price of gas is half what it used to be.”

Customer: “Well, I wish it would go up again so I could fill up faster!”

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Just A Little Closer…

, , | Right | December 31, 2008

(A customer purchased a copy of a popular antivirus program. About 2 hours later I received a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just bought an [Antivirus Program] from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “What about it isn’t working? Did you install the program?”

Customer: “It’s not interfacing with my system.”

Me: “Not… interfacing? I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.”

Customer: “I set the box next to my computer, and it’s not doing anything at all. Nothing is happening on my computer! This program is defective.”

Me: “Um… well, you have to open the box and insert the CD into your computer, then install the program, before it will run.”

Customer: “WHAT?! How do I do that?”

Me: “…”

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I Always Travel By Rocket

, , | Right | December 31, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

Me: “233 miles.”

Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

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