Check Out This New Heart-Stopping Deal!

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work security at a large shopping mall. One day, a customer in one of the stores suffers a heart attack and his heart stops. They have me at the door to keep flow of traffic moving and keep the door clear while we attempt to resuscitate him. [We succeed and he makes a full recovery.] Inside the store, there are approximately four uniformed security officers, two police officers, two firefighters, and two paramedics. There is also a large gurney in plain sight in the center aisle. An older couple walks up to the door and looks inside.)

Woman: “Oh, look, honey, they must be demonstrating a new product!”

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Flush That Idea Immediately!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(I keep aquariums. At one point I debate giving away my current fish so I can house a different type, and I mention it to a friend.)

Friend: “Well, you could always just flush them. I mean, all pipes lead to the ocean, right?”

Me: “…okay, first problem with that, they would first fall into an ocean of s***. Second problem, they’d end up in a treatment facility, which would kill them if they weren’t dead already. Third problem, they’re freshwater fish.”

(I ended up giving the few large cold-water fish I had to a fellow fish-keeper so I could get many small tropical fish. People, if you no longer want your pets, PLEASE don’t try to “release them to the wild!” They will either die or wreak havoc on the local ecosystem.)

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The Wrong Dressing Needs Addressing

, , , , , | Working | September 11, 2017

(I am ordering at a restaurant where you order at the counter, and then a server brings you your food. While considered a fast, casual place, their food and service is usually on point, and I come here frequently.)

Me: “Hello! Can I please get [entree] with chicken, and a side salad? And can I get the pomegranate dressing for the side salad?”

Server: “Okay, I’ll bring that out to you.”

(A few minutes later, the server brings me my food. I notice that my entree does not have chicken on it, which I paid extra for.)

Me: “Excuse me, I don’t think there’s any—”

Server: “Chicken? Okay, I’ll get that for you.”

(I overhear her say to the kitchen staff, “Yeah, she noticed.” While waiting for my chicken, I notice my salad has dressing on it, and there is also a cup of dressing next to it. I assume it’s just extra dressing. However, I taste the salad, and the dressing on it is balsamic vinaigrette. The server comes back with chicken in a cup for me to dump on my entree.)

Me: “Thank you. I’m sorry, I just tasted the salad, and there’s balsamic vinaigrette on it. I wanted the pomegranate. I’m not sure if that’s what’s in the extra cup?”

Server: “Yeah. I thought you just wanted the pomegranate as an extra thing.”

(I am a bit dumbstruck by this and don’t know exactly how to respond.)

Me: “No… I wanted it to put on my salad.”

Server: “Oh. Okay, I’ll get you a new one.”

(She goes to bring me a new salad. She comes back with a salad without dressing. I taste the dressing in the cup, and surprise, it’s also balsamic.)

Me: “I’m sorry, the dressing in the cup was also balsamic. Are you guys out of the pomegranate? I can just take this.”

Server: *sighs* “No, they’re just idiots. I’ll take care of that.”

(I hear her yell at the kitchen staff, “POMEGRANATE! THIS IS BALSAMIC!” The cook looks very confused. I see another staff member tell him which dressing is the balsamic and which is the pomegranate. The cook brings me a cup of dressing.)

Cook: “Here you go. I’m sorry about that.”

Me: “It’s okay. Thank you!”

(I taste the dressing. It is balsamic again. I walk up to the server.)

Me: “I am so sorry to do this, but this is balsamic again. Are you sure you guys have the pomegranate? I’ll just take this.”

Server: *to the cook* “Are you kidding me?!”

Cook: “[Other Staff Member] told me that one was the pomegranate!”

Server: “Well, [Other Staff Member] was wrong!” *to me* “I’m sorry. This is crazy. Here, take a couple cookies.”

(She hands me some of their homemade cookies, which are actually really good.)

Me: “Oh, okay, thank you. I’m really not trying to be difficult. I can just take the balsamic.” *I really don’t like balsamic, but I’m ready to be done with this at this point.*

Server: “No, we have it. You should get what you ordered.”

(The cook brought up the dressing. I tasted it, and it was finally pomegranate. This was the most trouble I’ve ever had at any restaurant to get my order right. But at least I did get two free cookies!)

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The Definition Is Fluid

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 10, 2017

(I have made some new friends, and I am discussing them with my boyfriend.)

Me: “…and then there’s [Friend’s Name], but they usually go by [Gender-Neutral Name].”

Boyfriend: “Because she’s a tomboy?”

Me: “Not really. They described themselves as gender-fluid.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “You know? Someone who identifies as being either gender?”

Boyfriend: *look of realisation” “Oh! That’s what that means!”

Me: “What did you think it meant?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t want to say.”

Me: “You thought it was an actual fluid didn’t you?”

Boyfriend: “…maybe.”

Me: *jokingly* “And what did this magical fluid do? Make you change genders?”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “Seriously!?”

Boyfriend: “There’s medical breakthroughs every day!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re focusing more on curing cancer than making you a drink to give you a vagina!”

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Thinking They Can Rule Your Roost(er)

, , , | Right | September 9, 2017

(Where I work, we have just had a new chicken cooker installed in our deli department. As someone’s attempt at humour, when the chickens are cooked, the cooker crows like a rooster. It sounds fairly realistic, but after a few times you do get used to it. This day I answer the phone.)

Me: “Good afternoon, this is [Supermarket], this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to speak to someone regarding the live animals you have in your store room.”

(What she’s talking about clicks, and I think this is just a joke call because of the rooster noise. So, I start laughing at her.)

Customer: “I don’t see how it is funny! You are keeping live animals in your back dock. I can clearly hear a rooster crowing behind your deli area!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is just the noise our chicken cooker makes when the cooking cycle is finished. It’s just the maker’s attempt at a joke.”

Customer: “Well, I find it offensive and off-putting, and it makes me not want to shop at your store again.”

Me: “Well, that’s your choice, of course, but it is just a recording. We don’t keep any live animals anywhere in the store.”

(She ranted about the same thing for a few more minutes, until I offered to put her on with the store manager to complain further. She then informed me that if I didn’t change the noise within a week, she wouldn’t shop here ever again. She then hung up on me. To this day, I don’t know if she was just having a lend or was actually serious.)

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