Mapping It Out For Them

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I go to a copy and business supply store to have a large map laminated. The map measures 24 inches by 36 inches. Upon learning these dimensions, the clerk tells me🙂

Clerk: “I’m sorry. Our widest lamination machine is only 26 inches wide. We can’t help you.”

(I wait a few moments for him to connect the dots, then reply:)

Me: “Well… Can’t you just turn the map sideways and pass the now-24-inch wide map through the machine?”

Clerk: *after a confused moment or two* “Sure! No problem!”

Know Where You Can Stuff Those Cancer Pipes

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(Due to the sheer volume of stock we have donated to our charity shop, only a small percentage of our bric-a-brac is on display. Customers know to ask us if they want something they can’t see.)

Older Gentleman: “Do you sell pipes?”

Me: “Pipes? Copper pipes? Wind pipes? Glass pipes?”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, pipes.” *mimes a smoking pipe*

Me: “Sir, we are a cancer charity; we will not sell anything to do with smoking.”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, that was a bit of a stupid question, wasn’t it?”

(I must admit it did make me giggle throughout the day.)

When You’re Acting Like A Boss

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I have been working at this very small, family-owned store for a year now, and it’s time for my review. Because our only manager quit several months ago, I have personally taken on many of her old responsibilities just to keep the store afloat. The owner hasn’t seemed to notice and, in fact, has been treating me fairly poorly. I assume this is due to stress. But he’s refused to promote any of his employees to manager roles or to hire a new manager. He claims he is now the new manager, despite losing his temper any time I attempt to pass him management duties that aren’t actually part of my job description or pay grade. We finally sit down for my interview, and I am hoping for a good review so I can ask for a raise based on my increased responsibilities.)

Owner: “Okay. Well, I like to keep this process very formal, just so you know, for paperwork reasons and clarity. I rate everything on a scale of one to five, one being grounds for termination and five being excellent. Don’t worry about the grade, though, if you don’t get a five. Nobody gets a five. Two to three is pretty average; it means you’re doing okay, but there’s room for improvement.”

Me: “Uh… Okay. This seems a bit formal for our usually informal systems.”

Owner: “Well, this is important, and I like to keep it very orderly so there are no questions later, and for the paper trail.”

Me: *wondering if he’s about to fire me now* “Uh… Sure.”

Owner: “Here is my list of the various areas of the job and your mark. You’ll see you’re a two to three on everything.”

Me: “Oh.”

Owner: “Do you have any questions?”

Me: “Well… I guess I don’t understand why I am not doing well in the store. I did not expect to rate this way.”

Owner: “Well, two to three is actually very good. A four would be management, and nobody who works for me is management. And five, nobody gets.”

Me: “Nobody?”

Owner: “Well, if you get a five, then I might consider making you partner.” *laughs* “It’s the top ranking!”

Me: “Uh, okay. Well, can you give me specifics on what I can do to improve my… rating? The things you’ve listed here seem very minor. I feel as if I’ve taken on most of the managerial responsibilities since [Old Manager] left, and I’m surprised you feel I am not up to the task.”

Owner: “Oh, really? Huh. Like what?”

Me: *lists duties*

Owner: “Really. Well, I’ll do those from now on; don’t worry.”

Me: “You know, I don’t mind doing them, but I was kind of hoping for a raise.”

Owner: “No, no, it’s okay. That’s my responsibility now, as the store’s manager. Anyway, the stores aren’t doing very well, anymore. We’re pretty down from the last month. I have to figure out a way to fix it. I’m sorry; I just can’t give out any raises right now.”

Me: “I see.”

Owner: “Any other questions about these sheets?”

Me: “I guess not.”

Owner: “Great. Thanks for meeting me so late! I wanted to get this done before we head off to Italy tomorrow for a few weeks. I left you a task list. If you could make sure to delegate the duties to everyone else tomorrow when you come in, that’d be great. Have a good night. See you when I get back!”

(Then, he actually left for Italy for three weeks. Guess who ran the store?)

A Combo Of Inattention

, , , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(I’m in line to order behind three people: [Customer #1], [Customer #2], and [Customer #2]’s wife, [Customer #3]. [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] each step up, make their orders, and step back. They also both order the same combo. [Customer #1] ends up stepping away from the counter, causing [Customer #2] to pull ahead. The employee finishes the order and puts it on the line.)

Employee: “[Combo]!”

(As [Customer #1] steps up, [Customer #2] grabs the order.)

Employee: “No, sir. That’s his order.”

([Customer #2] ignores the employee and tries again to take the combo.)

Customer #1: “No, that one’s mine.”

Employee: “Please, sir, your order is coming.”

([Customer #3] steps in.)

Customer #3: “Honey, that’s the young man’s order. Ours is next.”

Customer #2: “He said [Combo]!”

(The wife grabs [Customer #2] by the arm and drags him back away from the counter.)

Customer #3: *to [Customer #1]* “Sorry about him. At times he’s not very bright. Enjoy your food.”

(When I get my order I still hear the couple arguing:)

Customer #3: “Our order is to go. That young man’s food was on a tray. How the hell were you going to carry it?”

We’ve Upgraded You To Time Travel

, , , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(I am on the phone with customer service about an item I ordered.)

Me: “Hey, I ordered this item this morning [Wednesday] with two-day shipping, but it says it won’t arrive until next Tuesday.”

Customer Service Rep: “Sorry, that item isn’t in stock until Saturday. After it is in stock, it will be normal two-day shipping.”

Me: “The page says nothing about it being out of stock.”

Customer Service Rep: “It does on my screen, sir.”

Me: “It doesn’t anywhere on mine. It says it’s in stock.”

Customer Service Rep: “Sorry about that. I’ll upgrade you to one-day shipping for the inconvenience. Now the item will arrive this Friday.”

Me: “Um… Friday is before Saturday.”

Customer Service Rep: “Yes, that’s correct, sir. I’ve upgraded you.”

Me: “So, the item will be here on Friday?”

Customer Service Rep: “Yes.”

Me: *long pause* “Okay, then.”

(Yes, it arrived on Friday.)

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