When You Upgrade To Platinum Black, It Means Truly Nothing

, , , , , | Working | May 12, 2018

(I answer the phone.)

Caller: “Hello! This is [Caller] from [Travel Club]! I’m calling to tell you that you have been upgraded to a platinum level!”

Me: “Thank you. What does that mean?”

Caller: “I have no idea. Let me transfer you to my manager.”

(Pause.)

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Me: “It wasn’t meant to be a difficult question. I just wondered what I get for being a platinum member?”

Manager: “Nothing, really. But because you asked, I’ll give you a free year’s travel insurance, too. All right?”

Me: “Um, sure. Yeah. Thanks.”

Manager: “Goodbye!”

One Door Closes, Another One Confuses

, , , , | Working | May 12, 2018

(My mother is looking to have some major work done in our basement: adding heating ducts, getting new cabinets in the kitchen, and putting a shower in the bathroom, among other things. Her father and grandfather owned a kitchen and cabinet company, so she grew up around contracting and has more knowledge than the average homeowner on structure and fixtures. She has hired a contractor who was a recommendation from a trusted and close family member, and she liked the work he did on their house. He has been over a few times to get an idea of the work to be done, and he has come over today with written plans and to knock down a bit of the walls to get an idea of how much work it will be.)

Mom: *pointing on the plans as she goes along* “In the bathroom, we have the two doors here currently. We want to keep them there. I know with the shower going here, [door #1] won’t open all the way. That’s fine. It has to swing this way, because if it swings the other way, you can’t open this [door #2].”

Contractor: “Okay, okay. I see. No, wait. If the shower goes there, [door #1] won’t be able to open all the way.”

Mom: “I know. I’m okay with that. We are keeping [door #1] as it is.”

Contractor: “Okay, so, I’m going to move [door #1] to swing this way so it doesn’t get in the way of the shower.”

Mom: “No, you’re not going to do anything to [door #1]. Keep [door #1] the way it is. If you move it, we can’t access [door #2].”

Contractor: “Okay. So, the shower goes here. And we are moving the [door #2] down here? We can’t do that; it won’t open here! We’ll move [door #2] down here and make [door #1] swing the other way.”

Mom: “No, you’re not listening. Don’t touch the doors. Keep them the way they are. Just put the shower here.”

Contractor: “Oh, okay. So, you want the shower here, then you want me to make [door #1] swing the other way and move [door #2] down here. Got it.”

Mom: *fed up* “NO!” *sigh* “Should we just go down there and look at it in person?”

(He hasn’t started the work yet, but I’m sure she will be close behind him at all times during the project.)

Micro Realization Is A Big Problem

, , , , , | Learning | May 12, 2018

(We’ve just received instructions on how to ready a solution for one of our labs. Per the instructions, the solution needs to be heated to boiling in a microwave, and we have been told that it takes about a minute for one flask to boil. As there are only a few microwaves in the class, my classmates and I put multiple flasks in at once. After about a minute:)

Classmate #1: *concerned* “It’s not boiling!”

Me: “The microwaves are being distributed across multiple items, so it will take longer than what the TA told us. We just have to watch for it to boil.”

Classmate #2: *light-bulb goes off* “So that’s why my hot dogs are always cold!”

(These were all pre-med students, so I was very concerned for the future of our healthcare system.)

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio

, , , | | Healthy | May 12, 2018

Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

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Their Toilet Breaks Are Broken

, , , | Right | May 11, 2018

(I work the fitting rooms. The door to both restrooms is in the entrance to the hallway leading to the men’s fitting rooms. I often have customers that get the signs confused and try to go down the hall, but once you get past the initial door, you’re in a hallway with nothing but two doors that say “Men” and “Ladies.” The initial door is also locked, so I have to push a button to buzz customers in. One day, I’m working on a project a little way away from the fitting room — though still within sight — and I see a man approaching the area and reading all the signs, so I jump up to assist him.)

Man: “Where are the bathrooms?”

Me: “Just behind the door there.”

Man: *starts going down the hall to the men’s fitting rooms*

Me: “No, the door. Sir? Sir! SIR!” *I have to follow him and bring him back* “It’s this door right here.”

(I physically touch the door, then go back to the button to buzz him in. The man looks at the “Restrooms” sign on the door, then back down the hallway he’d come from, then around the corner to the rest of the store.)

Me: “It’s just behind the door.”

(The man finally opens the door, pokes his head inside, then looks down the hallway to the fitting room again.)

Me: “You got it. Right there behind the door.”

(The man finally goes through the door. At this point, he’s in a hallway with nothing but two doors that say “Men” and “Ladies,” so I go back to the project I was working on. After about a minute or two, he comes out of the door again, and I see him talking to his wife near the entrance to the fitting rooms. He’s already been in the bathroom and they’re not holding any clothing, so I don’t think much of it. After a bit, someone else approaches the fitting room, so I come back to count her in. When I’m finished, the couple approaches me again.)

Woman: “Bathroom?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll buzz you in.” *pushes button*

(The man looks very confused. The woman looks around at the signage.)

Me: “It’s just behind the door there.”

Woman: *hesitantly puts her hand on the handle*

Me: “Yeah, that’s it.”

(The woman opened the door, poked her head in, and then held the door open for her husband. He went in and she waited outside. I went back to my project. The man came out again fairly quickly and went talk to his wife. I came back to the fitting room and he asked to be let into the bathroom a third time. I buzzed him in yet again, and again he came out fairly quickly, but this time they left. I’m pretty sure he never did figure out how to use the bathroom.)

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