Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

, , , , | Right | September 26, 2008

(A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “All right, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred-dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

1 Thumbs
5,530

Trust Me, The Dull Finish Suits You

, | Right | September 24, 2008

(A customer is looking at hardware we have on display.)

Customer: “Is the polished finish… dull?”

Me: “No. The polished finish is polished.”

Customer: “Oh… so what’s the dull finish?”

Me: “The dull finish… is sometimes called brushed.

Customer: “So, it’s not polished?”

Me: “No. Polished is like a mirror. You can see your reflection.”

Customer: “Oh… what do you see on the dull finish?”

Me: *face palm*

1 Thumbs
1,282

Ah, Managers

, , , | Right | September 21, 2008

Customer: “Does this camera come in different colors? I really want blue.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m sorry… I don’t have any blue ones. I only have black, red, and bronze.”

Customer: “Blue takes better pictures.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yes, my brother takes pictures and says the blue ones are best.”

Me: “Well, to be honest, the color only affects how it looks. It has nothing to do with the performance.”

Customer: “Are you calling my brother a liar?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying he’s misinformed–”

Customer: “I SAID he’s a photographer and he knows what he’s talking about. He’s been published.”

Me: “I’m sure he has, but I’ve done hundreds of weddings myself and I’ve been selling for years.”

Customer: “Stop it! I want to see the manager.”

(I get my manager and explain the situation.)

Manager: “So, I understand you want a blue camera because it’s supposed to be better?”

Customer: “Yes, I thought you guys would know that!”

Manager: “You know, I think your brother was mistaken.”

Customer: “But–”

Manager: “Let me explain. You see, sports cars come in all colors, right? You ever notice that they always seem to sell the red ones most? Porsches, Lamborghinis, and Corvettes?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Manager: “So, I think it’s an obvious choice.”

Customer: “I’ll take the red one!”

Me: “…”

1 Thumbs
4,532

1-800-DUHHHHH

, | Right | September 14, 2008

Me: “Operator.”

Customer: “I need to call long distance to New York.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, you need to hang up and dial ’00’ for the long distance operator.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ’00’ button on my phone. I only have a ‘0’!”

1 Thumbs
1,774

Not Quite An Open And Shut Case

, , | Right | September 11, 2008

Caller: “Hi, I bought a DVD here earlier today, but I can’t get it out of the case. ”

Me: “All right, is it a new or pre-owned DVD?”

(Our pre-owned DVDs are all locked with a piece of red plastic that has to be removed before they leave the store.)

Caller: “I don’t know. It was, like, $7.”

Me: “Well, we have both pre-owned and new movies at that price. Is the case wrapped in plastic?”

Caller: “Well, there’s plastic on it.”

Me: “All right, you’ll need to take the plastic off of the case.”

Caller: “That won’t break it?”

Me: “If the case is wrapped in transparent plastic, you are going to need to remove all of that plastic first.”

Caller: “How? I don’t want to break it.”

Me: “Okay. You’ll need to remove the plastic wrap. If you have problems, get a pair of scissors or a knife and use that to cut open the plastic, and then take it off the case.”

Caller: “Okay, but it still won’t open.”

Me: “Are there any stickers covering the sides of the case?”

Caller: “Yes. There’s one on the top. ”

Me: “You’ll need to pull that off.”

Caller: “The case still won’t open, though. I don’t want to break it.”

Me: “Are there any other stickers on the case?”

Caller: “No. Well, there’s one of the left side that looks like the one on the top.”

Me: “Right. You’ll have to remove that. And any other stickers that look like it.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. But it’s still not opening.”

Me: “Any other stickers or plastic wrap?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Okay… tell me, what does the case look like?”

Caller: “Well, there’s the side of the case that says the name of the movie and then there’s a black side that looks like the top and bottom.”

Me: “And what side are you trying to open? The black side?”

Caller: “No! The side with the title! Why isn’t it opening?”

Me: “Okay. I want you to put the case down on a table or something. Okay? Now. Put the case face up, like a book, with the front of the case facing you. Okay? Now. Go to the RIGHT side of the case, with the two black pieces of plastic–”

Caller: “Not the left side?”

Me: “No. NOT the left side. The RIGHT side.”

Caller: “So not the side with the title?”

Me: “No. The RIGHT side. Now. Pull the RIGHT side open.”

Caller: “It isn’t working!”

Me: “Are you opening the RIGHT side?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Try the RIGHT side.”

Caller: “Oh… Thanks. They shouldn’t make these so hard to open, you know!” *click*

1 Thumbs
5,069