Better Ask The Halibut First

, , , | Right | May 6, 2008

Customer: “I’d like the halibut. Is there any way you can make that vegan?”

Me: “Other than by making it not be a fish, no.”

Customer: “Good point.”

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Touché

, , | Right | May 5, 2008

(Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)

Me: “Hi… I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”

Me: “So… how do you know it’s there?”

Customer: “…”

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Customer Knows Best

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2008

(We are running a little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “What about sale items?”

Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

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Not Even Remotely Intelligent

, , | Right | May 2, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her [Brand] TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on. Is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on… Hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says ‘Remove Before Using?’ Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes, ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady called back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

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Must Be From The Valley

, , | Right | May 1, 2008

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

 

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