Problem Exists Between Bottle And Hand

, , | Right | February 4, 2009

(I work for a popular coffee chain that sells bottled drinks at the counter. The bottles have a tamper-evident pop-top feature. One day, a customer approached the counter after purchasing one of these drinks.)

Customer: “Hey, I just bought one of these things and when I opened it the cap popped up.”

Me: “Yes, they do–”

Customer: *interrupting* “It says ‘Do Not Drink If Button Is Up.'”

Me: “Yes, it’s a tamper-evident button to–”

Customer: *speaking very slowly* “I want you to understand what I’m saying here! I can’t drink this — it’s been tampered with!”

Me: “When you opened the container, the button popped up–”

Customer: “I’M NOT SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!”

Me: *headdesk*

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Come Fly The Stupid Skies

, , , , | Right | February 3, 2009

(I am flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzz the flight attendant.)

Flight Attendant: “What can I help you with?”

Passenger #1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”

Passenger #2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”

Flight Attendant: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”

Passenger #2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”

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A Rainbow Of Flavor

, , | Right | February 2, 2009

Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

Me: “It tastes like… mangoes?”

Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”

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Education Is No Guarantee

, , , | Right | January 30, 2009

Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

Customer: “What? Why?!”

Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

Customer: “But… why?”

Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to under-aged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “Because… smoking is dangerous.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads ‘SMOKING KILLS.’ Wasn’t that a hint?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just… ugh. Just give me some gum!”

Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… Umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

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Why You Never, Ever Share Toothbrushes

, , | Right | January 29, 2009

Customer: “I need to return this toothbrush.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No — I thought it would work.”

Me: “How did it not work?”

Customer: “Well, it said it had indicator bristles, and when I peed on them they didn’t change color! How is it supposed to indicate if I’m pregnant or not?!”

Me: “Ma’am… they’re to indicate whether the toothbrush needs replacing, not whether you’re pregnant.”

Customer: *looks sheepish and leaves*

Me: *to manager* “I’m going on break now…”

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