Beauty Is Pain… Mental Pain

, | Right | April 9, 2009

(I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

Customer: “I just… I can’t work it.”

Me: “All right. Well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

Customer: “[Brand].”

Me: “Those are pretty standard. They work just like any other lipstick.”

Customer: “But how do I work it?”

Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

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H2O: The Dampening

, , , | Right | April 8, 2009

(Per our closing procedures, I have to mop the edges of the aisles every night before we close.)

Customer: “You know, it’s very wet.”

Me: “Yes, that is a common characteristic of water.”

Customer: “Well, isn’t there anything you can do about it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there are caution signs all around the store to tell you it might be slippery.”

Customer: “But can’t you do something to make the water less wet?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’ve run out of our dry water, and only have the wet kind left.”

Customer: “Well, you should order more.”

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Nature: Not OSHA Compliant

, , | Right | April 7, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me… how deep is the water?”

Me: “Um… you mean the ocean?”

Customer: “Yes. How deep is it?”

Me: “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

Customer: “HOW DEEP IS THE WATER?!”

Me: “It’s the ocean, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, well, how deep is the deepest part?”

Me: “Very, very deep.”

Customer: “Can I touch the bottom?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “That’s not safe.”

Me: “It’s much shallower near the shore. It gets deeper the farther out you go.”

Customer: “That is definitely not safe. You should fix that.”

Me: “I’ll tell my boss.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *walks away*

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Please God, Let These Be Rhetorical Questions

, | Learning Right | April 7, 2009

Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

Me: “Oh, okay. What’s wrong with it?”

Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

(I start looking up his record on the database.)

Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

Me: “…”

Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

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How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

, | Right | April 4, 2009

(A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

Customer: “Are these fresh?”

Mom: “They’re alive.”

Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

Mom: “…yes.”

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