A Few Carrots Short Of A Bunch

, , , , | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

(I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to the database — something outside of my company’s control.)

Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database; once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

Client: “It’s still your fault.”

(This goes on for twenty minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “Okay, fine, if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”

Client: “WELL, IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!”

Me: “That’s because you are one.”

Client: “NO, I’M NOT!”

Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, thirty seconds ago.”

Client: “I LIED!”

Me: “…why?”

Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!”

(They kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I hung up. No one in the company has heard from them since.)

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Maybe It Got Chuck Norris’d

, , , | Right | April 22, 2009

(A customer approaches the repair counter with a paper shopping bag, and I can hear stuff rattling around inside.)

Customer: “I bought this computer here, and it’s broken. I want to return it.”

(She dumps out the bag, and inside is a laptop that is broken completely in half.)

Customer: “It was like this when I opened the box.”

Me: “Okay… well, do you have the receipt and the original packaging?”

Customer: *hands me a receipt*

Me: “Ma’am, this receipt is from three months ago.”

Customer: “I know. I bought it three months ago but I just opened it today.”

Me: “Do you have the original packaging?”

Customer: “No, I threw it away.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You opened the box, three months after buying the computer, and the laptop was broken in half, so you threw out the box?”

Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t think I needed it.”

Me: “I really don’t think you can return this.”

Customer: “All right, but you can fix it. It’s still got a manufacturer warranty.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but manufacturer warranties don’t cover accidental damage, just defects.”

Customer: “But it’s not accidental damage! It was like this when I bought it!”

Me: “I find that really hard to believe, and so would anyone else. Nobody in their right mind would believe that it came out of the box like this.”

Customer: “But why would I lie about that?”

Me: “To get a free repair? I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Your warranty does not cover accidental damage.”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “But what if it wasn’t an accident?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “What if it wasn’t an accident? I did it on purpose. That’s not accidental damage.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hmmmmmmm?”

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

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It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

, , | Right | April 21, 2009

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

Customer: “Well [Brand] says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

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Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

, , | Right | April 20, 2009

(Our shop has a chocolate fountain, which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

Me: “…sorry?”

Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like, the water pipes or something?”

Me: “No, we melt our own–”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one?! Where is your manager?”

(After failing to convince them, the customer left angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

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First Ocean To The Right, Then Straight On ‘Til Drowning

, , | Right | April 16, 2009

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Man: “What’s the quickest way to get to Hawaii?”

Me: “…probably via Vancouver International Airport.”

Man: “What?”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not actually a travel agent. I can put you in touch with someone who can book you a flight–”

Man: “I don’t wanna fly there! I could’ve done that from Seattle! I’m going to drive.”

Me: “Over more than twenty-five hundred miles of ocean?”

Man: “You can’t fool me. I know it’s not that far. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly there through the Canadian part of America.”

Me: “No, Canada’s not–”

Man: “I’m gonna report you for being unhelpful, missy. Now give me god**** directions to Hawaii if you don’t want your a** fired.”

Me: “Turn left on to any pier you come across, and then drive straight on, You’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry about the water. You can probably sue for damages.”

(Amazingly, he left, perfectly happy with my directions to essentially drown himself.)

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