Disc Doctor, Not Disc Miracle Worker

, , , | Right | May 1, 2009

(Our store sells a device called a Disc Doctor; it resurfaces CDs so they can be read again.)

Caller: “I bought a Disc Doctor and it isn’t working.”

Manager: “Well, I have one, and they can be difficult at times. Why don’t you tell me what you did, and I’ll try and talk you through it.”

Caller: “Okay. I sprayed it with the solution and then I put both halves in the tray–”

Manager: “Wait… did you just say ‘both halves’?”

Caller: “Yeah, both halves.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s not going to work…”

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Sometimes, Ignorance Really Is Bliss

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Quebec, to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.)

Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.”

Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.”

Customer: “Time… zones?”

Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00 am here, it is only 10:00 am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30 am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30 pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.”

Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!”

Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90-minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.”

Customer: “I still don’t get it; the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than two hours to get back!”

(After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.)

Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.”

Customer: “Oh! Well, that makes much more sense. Thank you!”

Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”

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Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

, , , | Legal Right | April 29, 2009

Me: “This is [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

Caller: “So, I don’t have to appear there?”

Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to.’ But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

Caller: “No, I won’t.”

Me: “Okay, very well. Thanks for the call.”

Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

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More Than He Bargained For

, , , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)

Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)

Customer: “Will you take $4?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)

Customer: “$5?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)

Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Dad was always an agreeable sort.)

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Living On The Edge Of Anaphylactic Shock

, , , | Right | April 24, 2009

(A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?”

Me: “Well, right now we have lemon-drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.”

(I ring her out and she goes on her way. Twenty minutes later I get a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and… MY GOD, I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?”

Me: “Well… the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have peanuts in them.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD!” *hangs up*

(Only two weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.)

Customer: *looks at the cookies again* “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.”

Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?”

Customer: “WHAT?! Well… what about the orange walnut cookies?”

Me: “Those have walnuts in them.”

Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?”

Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.”

Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.”

Me: “Look: really, the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.”

Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind, then!”

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