I’ll Arrange For The Séance

, , | Working | November 12, 2017

(I handle money for land projects and transfer of money between owners. The current owner has passed away, and the project managers that work for my company don’t understand why we can’t get the current owner to say it’s okay, and why we can’t give the money to the new owner.)

Coworker: “Why would the money be in the [special process]? Was there an attempt to contact the customer?”

Boss: “Yes, we tried, but no one had the area code for Heaven.”

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I Am Lawless

, , , , , | Friendly | November 10, 2017

(I started a new job as a receptionist at a local law firm about three months ago. I have had no experience in a law environment prior to this job, and my general understanding of law is that of the average individual. One evening after work, I meet up with a few friends for drinks. One of them starts talking about her ongoing issues with her ex-boyfriend.)

Friend: “[My Name], what do you think I should do?”

Me: “Honestly, I think you should have hired an attorney back when he stopped paying his child support. I imagine it will only get worse from here on out.”

Friend: “Yeah, but I can’t afford to hire an attorney. Isn’t there something I can do?”

Me: “I’m sure there is, but what that is, I cannot tell you.”

Friend: “Can’t or won’t?”

Me: *taken aback* “I mean that I do not know the answer.”

Friend: “But you work at a law firm!”

Me: “That doesn’t mean I instantly know anything more about law than you do.”

Friend: “But you’re smart. You’ve certainly picked something up by now?”

Me: “According to that logic, you should book your son’s next check up with someone who works in the maintenance department or the billing department at [Major Hospital].”

Friend: “That’s stupid, though. Why would you think they’d know anything about medicine?”

Everyone Else At The Table: “EXACTLY!”

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Best To Just Keep It All Closed Down

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)

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They Were Gunning For An “A”

, , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(The UK has very strict gun laws. One day, there are police everywhere and helicopters in the sky. Social media informs me that two people were spotted with guns. The next Monday when I’m in my films and media class…)

Teacher: “Before we start, I just want to thank you guys for being so eager to do your coursework. Next time, though, please alert both the college and the police if you’re going to be filming with realistic replica firearms.”

(He looked pointedly at two of my classmates. I think we know who caused the stir.)

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It’s Not Going Swimmingly

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2017

(My husband and I have just started to try to conceive, instead of just leaving it to luck or chance. After an intimate night, he asks me to position myself so that gravity isn’t working against us. I ask that he at least hand me my phone so that I have some entertainment until I get up.)

Me: “Please, it’s just right there by you. I would have to get up to get it myself.”

Husband: “No. No distractions. I need you to completely focus on telling those swimmers to get you pregnant.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s not how it works.”

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